HULK VS. THE BOND FILMS: “GOLDFINGER” (1964)

March 21, 2011

LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK.  HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.

THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.


BOND ENTRY #3: “GOLDFINGER” (1964)

GOLDFINGER CONSIDERED ONE OF BEST BONDS ALL TIME.

… HULK DISAGREE.

BUT IN ORDER DISCUSS GOLDFINGER HULK HAVE TALK ABOUT DIRECTION. LET JUST GET THIS BIT OBVIOUSNESS OUT OF WAY: DIRECTION THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT MOVIE. THIS NOT UNDERMINE WRITER WHATSOEVER. THEY MOST UNDERVALUED BY FAR.  IT JUST GO WITHOUT SAYING THAT DIRECTION NEXT COLOSSAL STEP IN PROCESS AND IT POSSIBLE DESTROY GOOD SCRIPT W/ BAD DIRECTION/CASTING/EDITING ETC. ALL OF WHICH DIRECTOR’S RESPONSIBILITY ANYWAY.

IT VERY EASY DESTROY A GOOD SCRIPT. AND THAT EXACTLY WHAT ALMOST HAPPEN HERE.

IT WEIRD, BUT PEOPLE TEND THINK BOND FILMS NOT REALLY BEING “DIRECTED.” IT ALMOST LIKE PEOPLE THINK BOND FILMS EVOLVE AND EXIST IN NATURAL STATES WITH GOOD AND BAD CHOICES MADE BY ACTOR PLAYING BOND. THAT OBVIOUSLY NOT CASE BUT FOR SOME REASON IT JUST HAPPEN. PROBABLY CAUSE THEY ALL SO SIMILAR.

THE FIRST TWO BOND FILMS DIRECTED BY MAN NAMED TERENCE YOUNG (HE ALSO DIRECT THE 4TH FILM “THUNDERBALL”). ALL THREE FILMS RANK AMONG HULK’S FAVORITE BONDS. HE HAVE SUCH GOOD SENSE OF PACING AND IMBUE CONNERY’S WORLD WITH ORGANIC SENSE OF “REALITY” NO MATTER WHAT MAY HAPPEN. YOU ALWAYS BELIEVE HIS BOND MOVIES IF THAT MAKE SENSE. HULK EVEN CONSIDER HIM BY FAR THE BEST AT INTEGRATING SEXUALITY IN NON-CHEESY WAY INTO BOND MOVIE. AND HIS SUCCESS NOT JUST LIMITED TO BOND EITHER. YOUNG DIRECT THE CLASSIC FILM “WAIT UNTIL DARK”(1967) WITH AUDREY HEPBURN. BASICALLY, THE MAN GOT SKILLS AND HE LAUNCH THE FRANCHISE

BUT THE THIRD ENTRY, GOLDFINGER = DIRECTED BY MAN NAMED GUY HAMILTON… AND THE MAN A FREAKING HACK. YOU MAY SAY “BUT HULK! I LIKE GOLDFINGER! IT PRETTY GOOD!!! HOW HE A HACK, HULK,?!?!”

TRUE, GOLDFINGER NOT THAT BAD. HULK WILL ARTICULATE WHY IT SUCCEED IN MANY WAYS IN MINUTE, BUT FIRST LOOK AT OTHER FILMS GUY HAMILTON DIRECTED IN BOND SERIES…YUP… THREE OF WORST BONDS EVER (DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER, LIVE AND LET DIE, AND THE MAN WITH GOLDEN GUN). ALL MOVIES WITH SUCH BIZARRE AND DUMB CHOICES AS MAKE HULK SPEECHLESS. HIS ENTIRE CAREER AN EXAMPLE OF POORLY-AGED, BAT-SHIT DECISION-MAKING. SERIOUSLY, HULK CAN’T WAIT TEAR THOSE OTHER MOVIES APART….

BACK TO GOLDFINGER.

SEE THIS THE FIRST BOND TO HEAD FULL TILT IN “GIMMICKY” DIRECTION THAT LATER BE ITS UNDOING. HAMILTON OBSESSED WITH THIS KIND OF STUFF. BUT SINCE IT FIRST TIME WE SEEING GIMMICKS WE GET KIND OF EXCITED BY IT. IT SEEM LIKE NATURAL EVOLUTION OF WHAT WE SEE BEFORE. IT MORE “AWESOME” VERSION OF STUFF IN PREVIOUS MOVIES. NO MORE SIMPLE CAR WITH BULLET SHIELDS, WE GET BAD ASS CAR WITH EJECTOR SEATS! (HULK ALSO ARGUE THIS THE FIRST AND POSSIBLY LAST TIME A BOND GADGET CAR ENTERTAINING). THE GADGETS EVEN MORE CRAZY AND SCI FI. WE GET FIRST COMPLETELY NOVELTY BAD GUY IN ODD JOB (NOTICE THEY RETURN ONCE HAMILTON GET BACK TO SERIES). WE EVEN GET A WHOLE BUNCH OF WOMEN PILOTS IN THE BAD GUYS LAIR IN MATCHING CLOTHES :

PICTURED: NATIONAL THREAT

AND SIMPLY, IN THIS THIRD FILM WE REACH BOND-GIRL-DOUBLE-ENTENDRE-NAME APEX WITH “PUSSY GALORE.” THE SERIES WILL NEVER OUT DO. AND THERE ALL SORTS OF TWISTS/TURNS/INVERSIONS OF BOND CONVENTIONS THAT IT REALLY EXCITING IN KIND OF WAY.

THEY ALSO COME OH-SO-CLOSE TO BEING OUT OF CONTROL RIDICULOUS.

DON’T BELIEVE HULK? WAS WOMAN NOT KILLED BY BEING PAINTED IN GOLD? DID THAT NOT HAPPEN? CAUSE HULK PRETTY SURE THAT HAPPEN.

CUE STRATEGICALLY PLACED PILLOW!

DESPITE THIS KIND OF STUFF, RICHARD MAIBAUM STILL THERE WITH SOLID-ISH SCRIPT (BEFORE TOM MANKIEWICZ SHOW UP AND RUIN EVVV-ERRR-EEE-THING… HULK SAID THAT GARY OLDMAN STYLE). AND IT STILL FIRMLY ROOTED IN 60′S EARLY BONDESS BEFORE WENT TACKY IN 70S. BETTER YET, SEAN CONNERY STILL SEEM CARE A BIT. IT ALL THESE GOOD QUALITIES THAT PREVENT THE GIMMICK INCLINATION FROM PULLING GOLDFINGER TOO FAR. AND AS RESULT IT TOE LINE BETWEEN THE OLD SCHOOL SEXIST BADASSERY PEOPLE LOVE ABOUT SEAN CONNERY’S BONDS AND THE NEW SCHOOL GADGETRY AND CAMP.

PERHAPS THAT WHY PEOPLE LOVE IT SO? IT TOE THE LINE FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE BOTH?

… BUT FOR HULK IT DIDN’T PLEASE EITHER SIDE OF HULK THAT LIKES THOSE THINGS.

BEST MOMENT: MAIN VILLAIN INVITE CRIME SYNDICATES TO HEAR HIS LONG/IN DEPTH MASTER PLAN THEN IMMEDIATELY KILL THEM FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?:

SHE LOOK LIKE SHE SMOKE A PACK FOR BREAKFAST... THERE ALSO SOMETHING LOHANISH GOING ON HERE

1) SHIRLEY EATON AS JILL MASTERSON – GOLDFINGER PLAY WITH CONVENTION OF BOND GIRL. AT FIRST WE MEET JILL MASTERSON, GOLDFINGER’S ASSISTANT WHO HELP HIM CHEAT AT CARS. BOND SLEEP WITH HER AND CONVINCE HER MESS UP HER JOB, SO GOLDFINGER KILL HER BY PAINTING HER IN GOLD THUS SUFFOCATING HER… SO… YEAH… BUT PEOPLE REALLY LIKE HER CAUSE SHE SUPER PRETTY IN THAT BOMBSHELL WAY AND GET NAKED PAINTED IN GOLD DESPITE CLEARLY SEEING HER UNDERWEAR. ANYWAY HULK FIND HER KIND OF FORGETTABLE. MOVING ON.

HULK ADORE HER

2) TANIA MALLET AS TILLY MASTERSON – AHHH. THIS MORE LIKE IT. HULK BE HONEST. HULK THINK TANIA MALLET BEAUTIFUL. SHE GRACE-KELLY-LIKE. HER STORY ALSO INTERESTING IN THAT SHE ONE OF RARE PEOPLE WHO JUST NOT THAT INTO BEING ACTRESS. SHE LIKE WORKING AS MODEL MORE AND LEFT ACTING AFTER GOLDFINGER. SHE ONLY HAVE COUPLE CREDITS TO HER NAME. ANYCRAP, HER CHARACTER ALSO INTERESTING IN THAT SHE THE 2ND “FALSE START” BOND GIRL IN THE MOVIE. SHE JILL’S SISTER AND WANT AVENGE DEATH BY KILLING GOLDFINGER. BOND THINK SHE ACTUALLY HUNTING HIM, BUT A FEW NEAT SCENES LATER THEY COME TO UNDERSTANDING AND THEN SHE RANDOMLY (AND CONFUSINGLY) SHOT DEAD. SO MUCH FOR TANIA.

SHE PITIES FOOLS

3) HONOR BLACKMAN AS PUSSY GALORE – ENTER PUSSY GALORE, GOLDFINGER’S RASPY-VOICED PILOT HENCHWOMAN WHO TOUGH AS NAILS AND COMPLETELY NO NONSENSE. BESIDES HAVING MOST RIDICULOUS NAME IN BOND ICONOGRAPHY, BOND ALSO DATE RAPES HER.  SERIOUSLY. GO BACK WATCH SCENE… YIKES. ANYWAY SHE ENTER GAME SO LATE THAT HULK REALLY HAVE NO INTEREST IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP (THE DATE RAPE DOESN’T HELP EITHER). NATURALLY SHE PART OF BOND GIRL ARCHETYPE 3 “DEVOTED HENCHWOMAN TURNED TO GOOD THROUGH THE POWER OF JAMES BOND’S WIENER.”…. THIS WILL HAPPEN… A LOT.

MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: TWO WORDS: “MAN TALK”

HULK THINK THAT TAKE THE CAKE FOR ENTIRE BOND SERIES.

SUPPORTING CAST:

SINCE HULK COVERED THE BOND GIRLS, REALLY IT ONLY ABOUT AURIC GOLDFINGER HIMSELF. FIRST OFF, GOLDFINGER PLAYED BY MAN NAMED GERT FRöBE COMPLETE WITH UMLAUT. THAT NAME AWESOME. AND DESPITE HIS “I LIKE GOLD!” GIMMICK HULK SORT OF FIND HIM BE ONE OF MOST BORING VILLAINS OF BOND OEUVRE.  HIS PLAN = STUPID. HIS TEAM OF PILOTS OBVIOUSLY NOT SHARE HIS INTERESTS. HIS HENCHMEN THROWS A HAT. HE CHEAT AT GOLF. AND ONCE OVERPOWERED HE RUN AROUND HELPLESS. THE ONLY INTERESTING THING HE EVER DO = THREATEN KILL THE SOURCE OF JAMES BOND’S POWER…

OF COURSE IT HIS PENIS

HAROLD SAKATA AS ODD JOB! ODD JOB. THAT RIGHT. THE MOST UNFAIRLY USED PLAYER IN THE GOLDENEYE GAME. SERIOUSLY.

HATERS GONNA HATE

AND NO FORGET CEC LINDER’S ONE AND ONLY PERFORMANCE AS FELIX… THAT ALL HULK GOT HONESTLY.

I EXISTED!

DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: THREE SMASHES OUT OF FIVE.

BETTY’S TAKE: “Was that the one where the chick was dipped in gold? I think I remember that one. How many freaking bonds have we watched so far? When does Sean Connery come back cause I’m not feeling Roger Moore one iota.”

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5 Responses to “HULK VS. THE BOND FILMS: “GOLDFINGER” (1964)”

  1. Phil said

    Aw, Hulk, leaving out my favorite part (in the beginning, where Bond removes his wetsuit to reveal that he’s wearing a perfectly dry & pressed tuxedo underneath. I would argue the awesomeness of that one little moment has been so far unmatched throughout the series)? Man…

    Actually, I love the whole opening. From the plastic explosive hidden inside his breathing tube (I’m assuming he transmuted his raging testosterone into oxygen, then), to the hey-they-liked-it-before-so-we’ll-do-it-again-ness of the belly dancer in the club (I think the jarring differences between FRWL to Goldfinger is, by itself, worthy of a blog post, by the way), to the fight in her dressing room (where he sees the guy coming because of the reflection in her eye!), and especially the repeated quip at the conclusion (we’ll never know if the woman was a party to the set-up, or if she was as much of a victim of circumstance as Bond. But he obviously doesn’t care).

    In the interest of brevity (because that movie is like a non-stop highlight reel of scenes I adore), I’m going to say that I think I love ‘Goldfinger’ because it reminds me of being 11, when “awesome” was not only sufficient, but the be-all-end-all of goals.

  2. mgss said

    TRUE, HULK FULLY ACKNOWLEDGE GOLDFINGER FULL OF GREAT SINGULAR MOMENTS. AND HULK DO LIKE THE MOVIE, SO DON’T GET HULK WRONG. BUT HULK GUESS HULK’S ISSUE MORE ABOUT OVERALL TONE. HULK WISH A LOT OF THE OTHER MOMENT COME OFF AS STRONG AS THAT TUXEDO MOMENT IF THAT MAKE SENSE.

    AND WHILE IT DEFINITELY THE BEST OF THE MORE “GIMMICKY” (THAT WORD SOUND WORSE THAN HULK MEAN IT) JAMES BOND MOVIES, THERE JUST SOMETHING THAT BOTHER HULK AS THE OVERALL EFFECT. IT MORE LIKE THE FACT THIS MOVIE GOOD AND WORK SO WELL IT INSPIRE THE LUDICROUS GIMMICKY BONDS THAT COME LATER (DIAMONDS, ETC… ALL BY HAMILTON).

    ANYWHO, HULK THANK FOR READING. AND MORE BOND/HULK LOVE TO COME!

  3. Lawrence said

    My problem with Guy Hamilton isn’t that I think he’s a hack, just that he’s the most blatantly misogynistic of the Bond directors. That works for this movie in the 1964 but not in the later ones made in the 70s.

  4. [...] VS. THE BOND MOVIES: DR. NO, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, GOLDFINGER, THUNDERBALL, YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE… THE SERIES WASN’T FINISHED : [...]

  5. Goldfinger may have been the Bond film that began all the tropes we associate with Bond, but I still stand by the claim that it has perhaps the best integration of a theme song with a scene in all the Bond films with perhaps the exception of the skiing scene in OHMSS, and that is the Goldfinger theme playing over the scene where Oddjob “takes” the mafia guy to the airport followed by Felix as they follow Bond’s tracker.

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