PEOPLE HAVE BEEN CLAMORING FOR A GOOD HULK-ARTICLE ARCHIVE.

AND RIGHTLY SO.

HULK KNOW THIS COULD BE EASILY REMEDIED BY REDOING THE SITE, BUT TO BE BLUNTLY HONEST, HULK DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO DO THAT RIGHT NOW (HULK BARELY HAS ENOUGH TIME TO BUY UN-HULKED SHIRTS). AND BETTER YET, HULK LIKES THE BY-SUBJECT FORMAT OF ORGANIZATION BELOW SO MUCH BETTER THAN CHRONOLOGICAL LISTING.

HULK WILL UPDATE EVER MONTH OR SO.

HERE WE GO:

PRACTICAL “FILM SCHOOL”

SCREENWRITING 101 – TWO GIANT TOMES ON SCREENWRITING (VOLUME I AND VOLUME II) – HULK HOPE THIS SUPER USEFUL.

ACTING 101 – EASILY THE MOST MISUNDERSTOOD AND POORLY-DISCUSSED FEATURE OF FILMMAKING

HULK EXPLAIN ACTION SCENES! (WITH TOM TOWNEND!) – DAY 1, DAY 2, DAY 3 – A GIANT WRITE UP ON HOW TO APPROACH ACTION IN CINEMA AS “VISUAL STORYTELLING” AND NOT “CHAOS CINEMA”

THE MYTH OF 3 ACT STRUCTURE – THE MOST COMMON APPROACH TO STORYTELLING IS, QUITE FRANKLY, A TERRIBLE APPROACH.

HULK EXPLAINS WHY WE SHOULD QUIT IT WITH HERO JOURNEY SHIT – SERIOUSLY IT’S TIME FOR A MORATORIUM

HULK VS. THE JOHN CARTER SCRIPT – WHILE THIS TECHNICALLY AN EVALUATION ON ONE FILM, IT MORE ABOUT THE PROBLEMS OF STORYTELLING VS. DRAMA

CONCEPTUAL FILM THINKING!

NEVER HATE A MOVIE: OR HOW QUENTIN TARANTINO GOT HULK TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMBS

WHY YOU LOVE MOVIES – JUST WHAT IT SAYS

TANGIBLE DETAILS AND THE NATURE OF CRITICISM – EVALUATION ABOUT SPEAKING THE LANGUAGE AND BUILDING THE KNOWLEDGE, JUST LIKE ANYTHING MORE CONCRETE.

HULK VS. THE TWILIGHT HOUR OF FILM – FILM IS DYING. WE SHOULD MOURN AND REVERE. NOT BICKER.

SERIOUS(ISH) CRITICISM

HULK VS. THE GENIUS OF MULHOLLAND DRIVE – DAVID LYNCH A BRILLIANT FILMMAKER!

THE HULK ON MARK RUFFALO’S HULK – A PIECE FOR THE NEW YORKER!

HULK VS. FIGHT CLUB (AND THE WORK OF DAVID FINCHER?)

WHAT THE FUCK IS IT ABOUT BATMAN? – A MEDITATION ON FAN MOTIVATIONS

HULK VS. THE GIRLS CRITICISM

HULK AND THE CINEMA OF EDGAR WRIGHT – A HISTORY

HULK VS. TWILIGHT – WHY IT’S WAY WORSE THAN YOU THINK (BUT STILL OKAY)

HULK VS. THE CHURCH OF SOUTH PARK

HULK VS. THE WAR ON QUIRK

HULK FINALLY READY TO POINT ON THE DOLL AND SHOW WHERE THE LOST FINALE TOUCHED HULK

HULK WATCHED EAT, PRAY, LOVE FOR YOU ASSHOLES.

“WHY IT WORKS” – MOVIE EVALUATIONS (OR NON-REVIEWS)

THE AVENGERS IS A JOSS WHEDON MOVIE – (THAT’S A GOOD THING)

22 SHORT THOUGHTS ABOUT MARGARET – IT’S A MASTERPIECE

WHAT 50/50 MEANS TO HULK – MOVIES ARE PERSONAL FOLKS

HULK VS. THE TWO HUGOS – THE PROBLEMS OF PROPULSION

THE ENDING IS THE CONCEIT – JAMES GUNN’S “SUPER” AND THE ART OF DISPLACEMENT

PEGGY CARTER – WHY CAPTAIN AMERICA WORKS

HULK VS. THE HULK MOVIES - AN XMAS PRESENT NON-MIRACLE!

THE AVENGERS SIT OUTSIDE A MOVIE THEATER AND TALK ABOUT “THOR”

ATTACK THE BLOCK IS A FLAT OUT MASTERPIECE

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH DR. WHO

WHY CONTAGION WORKS

SUPER 8 – GOOD ENOUGH THAT HULK WISH IT WAS BETTER

COWBOYS AND ALIENS AND TERRIBLE SCREENPLAYS

SXSW RESPONSE: WHY BOYS SHOULD LIKE “GIRLS”

SXSW RESPONSE: THE RAID AND THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF MARTIAL ARTS CINEMA

SXSW RESPONSE: SXSW AND THE ONGOING PROBLEMS OF FOUND FOOTAGE

SXSW RESPONSE: GOD BLESS AMERICA AND THE DANGERS OF DIDACTICISM

SXSW RESPONSE: COMPLIANCE AND THE TRUE STORY COMPLEX

DRIVE – WHY NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT IS OKAY

A DANGEROUS METHOD, DRY COMEDY, AND THE PROBLEMS OF ADORING CRONENBERG

WHY HULK LIKED MACGRUBER BETTER THAN BLUE VALENTINE

HULK SAW MIRANDA JULY’S “FUTURE”

HULK’S MOVIE WEEKEND: TREE OF LIFE AND KUNG FU PANDA 2

HULK REVIEW “SOMEWHERE” FOR YOU

COST OF LIVING AND THE STATE OF SHORT FILMS

VIDEO GAMES

HULK VS. THE BATSHIT EVOLUTION OF THE MODERN WARFARE SERIES – VIDEO GAME SEMIOTIC/ART TALK!

GODDAMMIT VIDEO GAMES, THE FIRST FEW HOURS OF ARKHAM CITY IS LOTS OF FUN, BUT SUPER-DUPER SEXIST

HULK VS. ARKHAM CITY – ROUND 2: BITCHES BE TRIPPIN’!

HULK PLAYED L.A. NOIRE

BOOKS

EXACTLY WHY A FEAST FOR CROWS IS A TERRIBLE WASTE OF 1,000 PAGES

WHY A DANCE WITH DRAGONS IS BOTH A VAST IMPROVEMENT AND YET UTTER PROOF THE BOOKS WILL NEVER BE GOOD AGAIN

MUSIC

WHAT THE FUCK REALLY HAPPENED TO WEEZER?

FILMCRITHULK-CENTRIC STUFF

YES INTERNET, THERE IS A FILM CRIT HULK

HULK VS. THE WHOLE VULTURE THINGY

HULK’S TOP 15 MOVIES OF 2010

HULK REVEALS THE MONDO HULK POSTER!

HULK INTERVIEWED BY SXSW

HULK DOES THE FAMOUS “12 QUESTIONS” INTERVIEW

HULK ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS – PART 1

HULK ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS – PART 2

HULK ON FACEBOOK AND STUFF

“HULK’S FAVORITE MOVIES” SERIES

PUTNEY SWOPE – THE GREATEST FUCK YOU MOVIE OF ALL TIME

HAPPY GO LUCKY – THIS MOVIE SAYS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS EVER.

SUPERCOP – WHAT IS NOT GREAT ABOUT THIS MOVIE?

FUN/SILLY  STUFF

HULK WATCHED TRANSFORMERS 2 FOR YOU ASSHOLES (MINUTE BY MINUTE ACCOUNT)

THE 13 MOST INTERESTING THINGS ABOUT KATY PERRY’S “LAST FRIDAY NIGHT” VIDEO AND YES HULK SERIOUS

FILM CRIT HULK SHORT CUTS

WON’T YOU MEET THE MUPPETS?

5 REASONS YOU SHOULD SEE BRIDESMAIDS

HULK VS. THE BOND MOVIES: DR. NO, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, GOLDFINGER, THUNDERBALL, YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE… THE SERIES WASN’T FINISHED : /

GREEN LANTERN “REVIEWS” 1, 2

MOST IMPORTANT CINEMA QUESTION EVER: CAN YOU WATCH MOVIES WHILE DRUNK?

THINGS HULK THINKS ABOUT WHEN THERE IS NO POWER

THE DO-DECA PENTATHLON TRAILER

OUR DAILY TRAILER: DEATH TRAP

OUR DAILY TRAILER: THE THIN RED LINE

HULK SHARES: PORTAL PEEPS

HULK’S 5 FAVORITE THINGS ON YOUTUBE

CULTURE/RANDOM STUFF

POST MODERNISM… NOT A THING

POST MODERNISM… STILL NOT A THING! (A RESPONSE TO SAM STRANGE)

RYAN DUNN’S DEATH: THE INEVITABLE GOAL OF JACKASS

WHY HULK GO TO THE MOVIES - AS IN OUT TO THE MOVIES

HULK’S TAKE ON THE NATURE OF BOX-OFFICE

THANKS UNIVERSE, HULK NOW REPULSED BY STAR WARS

WHY CELEBRITIES GET MARRIED

HULK YOU-GOOGLE-A-GIZES: THEO ANGELOPOULOS

HULK ONE QUESTION INTERVIEW: PATTON OSWALT

A NOTE TO THEATER OWNERS/MOVIE-GOERS REGARDING SOUND

HULK PRESENTS: IT’S NOT JUST WHO BUT WHEN – RITA HAYWORTH (1941)

3 CRITICS HULK THINK YOU SHOULD READING

JOHN SINGLTON DIRECTED ABDUCTION? AND WHAT IS THIS SAYING?

WHY CHARLIE SHEEN PULLED A BIGGER HEIST THAN THE ONE IN OCEAN’S 11

TV! – COMMUNITY

YOU ARE OUT OF FUCKING EXCUSES. HULK COMMAND YOU TO WATCH COMMUNITY… RIGHT NOW!

COMMUNITY QUICK TAKE: “REMEDIAL CHAOS THEORY

HULK’S OPEN LETTER TO NBC EXECUTIVES – WHY COMMUNITY MATTERS

TV! – DOWNTON ABBEY

DOWNTON ABBEY AND THE PECULIAR GLORY OF BRITISH DRAMA (ALL ABOUT SERIES I)

HULK VS. DOWNTON ABBEY – SERIES II

EPISODE # – 2.03

EPISODE # – 2.06

TV! – MAD MEN EPISODIC WRITE UPS

EPISODE 5.03 “TEA LEAVES

EPISODE 5.05 “SIGNAL 30

EPISODE 5.07 “AT THE CODFISH BALL

EPISODE 5.09 “DARK SHADOWS

EPISODE 5.11 “THE OTHER WOMAN

PODCAST APPEARANCES

HULK PLAY WITH THE INDOOR KIDS – AND ASKS ARE VIDEO GAMES ART?

SILVERTONGUE UK ONLINE – SOUND IN MOVIES

SILVERTONGUE UK ONLINE – OSCAR TALK

THE GOLDEN BRIEFCASE – PROPAGANDA FILMS AND BELLFLOWER TALK

WARNING! THIS COLUMN DETECTS HIGH LEVELS OF GAMMA RADIATION IN THE FORM OF OVER-INDULGENT SELF-AIMED ANALYSIS!

SO YESTERDAY THERE WAS A BIT OF A DISCUSSION ON TWITTER ABOUT HULK, THE HULK-SPEAK, AND WHETHER OR NOT HULK SHOULD DROP IT ALL TOGETHER AND GO PERMANENT BANNER-MODE FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYONE’S BLISS.

ON ONE SIDE, A GOOD DEAL OF REALLY SMART PEOPLE FIND IT GIMMICKY, DISTRACTING, AND LIMITING. ON THE OTHER SIDE, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO SEEM TO REALLY DIG IT. A STUNNING AMOUNT OF PEOPLE WEIGHED IN ON THE TOPIC, INCLUDING SOME OF HULK’S MOST VOCIFEROUS READERS, AS WELL AS A GREAT MANY OF HULK’S FAVORITE CRITICS, ONES THAT HULK HAS READ, LOVED, AND RESPECTED FOR YEARS. NOT TO MENTION A BEVY OF WORKING FILM PROFESSIONALS AND WRITERS , INCLUDING BUDDING UBER -PRODUCER KEITH CALDER (BEHIND SOME GREAT FILMS LIKE THE WACKNESS AND THE APPARENTLY FANTASTIC YOU’RE NEXT ON THE WAY) AND EVEN, GULP, THE UTTERLY-BRILLIANT EDGAR WRIGHT.

THE IDEA THAT HULK WOULD BE A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION AMONG THESE PEOPLE DOES NOT EVEN QUALIFY AS HUMBLING, BUT OUTRIGHT STUPEFYING. IT IS THE KIND OF SURREAL MEASURE OF FATE THAT CAUSES HULK TO QUESTION EXISTENCE. IS HULK REALLY HERE? IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

BUT AS DUMB AND WHOLLY UNINTERESTING AS ADDRESSING THIS CONCERN IS, THE PROBLEM IS THAT THE ISSUE HAS GROWN ENOUGH IN SIZE TO BECOME THE PROVERBIAL ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. AS SUCH IT IS TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOU,  THE READER, AND EXPLAIN WHY EXACTLY HULK DOES WHAT HULK DOES.

DIRECTLY REFERENCING THE CONUNDRUM ON THE BLOG MAY SEEM SORT OF WEIRD AND DEFINITELY SELF-INDULGENT. HULK JUST WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT THE GOAL HERE IS NOT TO HULK TO BE LIKE “HERE’S WHY HULK IS AWESOME!” BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY MORTIFYING.

NO, THE GOAL IS HERE IS ONLY TO JUSTIFY WHY THIS IS HAPPENING AND TO DO THAT HULK WOULD HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY HULK BELIEVES IN THE HULK BLOG. AND THAT CAN GET A TAD CLOYING FOR SOME, HULK UNDERSTAND.

PERHAPS MORE WORRYING IS THE DREADED ISSUE OF “OVER-EXPLAINING THE JOKE.” BUT SINCE OVER-EXPLAINING THE JOKE IS SORT OF WHAT HULK DOES HERE, PERHAPS IT’S TIME TO DIRECT IT INWARDS. AFTER ALL, HULK HAS SPENT MORE TIME THINKING ABOUT THE WHOLE CIRCUMSTANCE THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET.

SO IN EFFORT TO PUT IT BEHIND US, IT IS NOW TIME FOR HULK TO GIVE YOU A DECENT ANSWER.

NO HULK DON'T DO IT!

THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND IS THAT HULK HONESTLY GETS THE FACT THAT ALL-CAPS WRITING CAN HARD TO READ. THIS MAY JUST HAVE TO BE A GIVEN. AND CONCERNING THE DISJOINTED SENTENCE STRUCTURE AND GRAMMAR HULK DID YA’LL A SOLID AND ADOPTED THOSE PESKY THINGS LIKE PREPOSITIONS, APOSTROPHES, AND THE ALL-TOO CRITICAL WORD “IS.” THAT’S RIGHT, HULK LEARN GOOD! BUT REALLY IF YOU’RE GONNA READ 10,000+ WORDS THERE HAS TO BE SOME MEASURE OF MEETING YOU HALFWAY. WHAT THIS MEANS IS THAT RIGHT NOW, ALL HULK IS REALLY DOING IS  JUST SWITCHING OUT “I” FOR “HULK” AND TURNING ON CAPS LOCK… OTHERWISE YOU’RE JUST READING REGULAR OLD ENGLISH… DISAPPOINTING, HULK KNOW… THOUGH HULK WON’T DENY USING A FEW MOMENTS OF WELL-TIMED, TRUE-BLUE HULK SPEAK FOR A CHEAP JOKE. BUT COME ON, WHO COULD RESIST THAT?

AS FOR THE CHARGE THAT HULK IS MERELY WRITING IN-CHARACTER AND THIS SOMEHOW IMPLIES A LACK OF VERACITY OR THE ABILITY TO TAKE WHAT IS BEING SAID SERIOUSLY, HULK ARGUES THIS A BIT OF A MISS-CHARACTERIZATION.

FOR STARTERS, THERE HAS NOT BEEN A SINGLE THING THAT HULK HAS WROTE THAT WASN’T SOMETHING TRUE IN HULK’S HEART OF HEARTS. THE CONTENT IS GENUINE. HULK HOPES THIS IS MADE CLEAR PARTIALLY BY THE FACT THAT HULK GETS TO WRITE ABOUT WHATEVER THE HECK HULK WANTS. THERE IS NO PRESSURE FOR HITS. HULK MAKES ABSOLUTELY ZERO MONEY OFF OF THIS THING. IN FACT, HULK WORKS 60+ HOUR WEEKS AND SQUEEZES MOST OF THIS WORK IN WHEN HULK SHOULD BE SLEEPING. WHICH MEANS, VERACITY OF INTENTION IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS HERE.

ADMITTEDLY, THERE IS AN ADDED BENEFIT TO BEING THE HULK AND THAT IS THAT HULK IS UNIQUELY FREE OF CERTAIN POLITICAL EXPECTATIONS OF BEING “A CRITIC.” HULK IS INSTEAD THOUGHT OF AS SOME SORT OF GENIAL, AMORPHOUS BEING THAT LIVES IN THE INTERNET TUBES AND LIKES MOVIES AND SHIT.  THE FREQUENT CHARGE AGAINST CRITICS IS THAT THEY CARRY PERSONAL VENDETTAS, SOMETHING THAT IS RARELY TRUE, BUT DUE TO HULK’S NEBULOUS QUALITY, HULK IS NEVER CHARGED WITH ULTERIOR MOTIVES. THAT IS BECAUSE THE HULK CAN BE ANYTHING: THE WILD RAMBLING ID OF THE MOVIEGOER. THE JESTER OF THE COURT. HULK CAN BE YOU JUST AS YOU CAN BE HULK. THERE IS A DISTINCT VALUE TO THIS ANONYMITY OF BEING THE GIANT GREEN ONE, TO WIT THE AMAZING RESPONSE OF ONE DAMON HOUX:

houx Damon Houx
@FilmCritHULK “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth,” Oscar Wilde.

A GREAT HUMAN TRUTH AND ADMITTEDLY, ONE OF THE DISTINCT ADVANTAGES TO BEING THE HULK… BUT IT’S ALSO CRITICAL TO MENTION THAT’S NOT THE REASON WHY HULK DOES IT. NO, IT COMES FROM SOMEWHERE A LITTLE MORE INNOCENT AND PERHAPS SILLY. YOU SEE, OVER THE LAST YEAR AND HALF THERE IS SOMETHING THAT HULK HAS UNDOUBTEDLY LEARNED:

EVERYONE LOVES THE HULK.

AND WHY THE FUCK WOULDN’T THEY?  HULK NOT TALKING ABOUT HULK-SELF, BUT THE IDEA OF THE HULK. ISN’T THERE SOMETHING SO LOVABLE ABOUT THE BIG GREEN GUY? THE WAY THE HULK IS IMPLICITLY YOUR FRIEND; A KIND OF BLUNT INSTRUMENT OF DOE-EYED INNOCENCE COMBINED WITH OUT OF CONTROL SMASH-TASTIC CAPABILITIES. THE HULK IS THE PROVERBIAL BULL IN A CHINA SHOP, OR THE UNBREAKABLE MARE. BUT THE SECRET HUMAN TRUTH OF THESE WILD AND OUT OF CONTROL ANIMALS IS THAT DEEP DOWN, MOST EVERYONE JUST WANTS TO CALM THE ANIMAL DOWN AND CONNECT TO THE SPIRIT INSIDE. WE SEE THIS TROPE ALL THE TIME IN MOVIES, HECK IT’S CLICHE AT THIS POINT, BUT IT SPEAKS TO OUR OWN NATURE: WE’RE ATTRACTED TO BIG STUPID THINGS THAT WIELD ENORMOUS POWER. AND IT’S SOMETIMES EASY TO FORGET THAT THE HULK IS OBVIOUS SUPERHEROIC RIFF ON JEKYLL/HYDE AND THEREFORE IT’S PLACE OUR OTHER PSYCHE. IT MAKES FOR THE EASIEST POSSIBLE REPRESENTATION OF OUR OUR HIGH / LOW SELVES.

HULK'S NOT SURE WHETHER HULK IS HIGH OR LOW THOUGH

IF ALL THIS SOUNDS LIKE A BIG CIRCLE JERK OF PONTIFICATING NONSENSE, HULK WOULD DISAGREE WITH YOU. ALL THIS IS AT PLAY IN OUR MINDS IT JUST HAPPENS RAPIDLY AND AT AN INSTANT. MOST OF YOU HAVE GOTTEN TO HEAR THE REAL HULK VOICE UNDERNEATH IT ALL, BUT REMEMBER THERE WAS ALL A MOMENT WHERE YOU FIRST HEARD ABOUT THE HULK BEING A FILM CRITIC AND THAT WAS LITERALLY ALL YOU KNEW. IN THAT INSTANT IT WAS A SINGULAR, SMALL, AND HOPEFULLY FUN CONCEPT THAT DREW YOU IN. HULK HAS GOT SEE IT HAPPEN HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF TIMES THROUGH THE BLOG AND TWITTER AND OVER THAT TIME THE PATTERN HAS BECOME OBVIOUS:

PEOPLE JUST FUCKING LOVE THE HULK.

PERHAPS IT’S BEST EXEMPLIFIED BY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE MOMENTS EVER: HULK TWEETED THE YOUNG ACTOR JOHN BOYEGA, OFFERING HUGE PRAISE OF HIS PERFORMANCE IN ATTACK THE BLOCK AND THIS WAS HIS RESPONSE:

JohnBoyegaJohn Boyega

Did the HULK just tweet me? I’m flipping honoured!!!!!! thanks big guy

HOW AWESOME IS THAT REACTION? AGAIN, PEOPLE LOVE THE HULK. EVEN IF YOUR REACTION ISN’T AS STRONG, THE HULK HAS THIS TREMENDOUS POWER TO REVERT PEOPLE TO SIMPLE JOY.

BUT YOU KNOW WHO REALLY LOVES THE HULK MOST OF ALL?

HULK DID. GROWING UP ON A STEADY DIET OF MARVEL COMICS AND THE WONDERFUL TV SHOW THERE IS A REAL, TANGIBLE HISTORICAL AFFINITY HERE FOR THE BIG GREEN ONE. WHICH MEANS THIS WHOLE MATTER COULD HAVE BEEN SETTLED WITH A SIMPLE STATEMENT OF “BECAUSE HULK LIKES IT. THAT’S WHY!” BUT THAT WOULDN’T BE ALL THAT FAIR TO YOU.

SO IS BEING THE HULK SOMEHOW… CHEATING? A CHEAP GIMMICK?

YES AND NO.

IT IS A GIMMICK FOR SURE, THERE’S NO DENYING THAT IMPLICIT, WONDERFUL DRAW. BUT THE TRUTH IS IF HULK WAS JUST A CHEAP GIMMICK HULK WOULD BE CRACKING JOKES AND YA’LL WOULDA TUNED OUT BY NOW. THIS IS FOR CERTAIN. BESIDES, THESE LONG-FORM HULK ARTICLES ARE A SERIOUS UNDERTAKING SO REALLY IT’S ABOUT COMMITMENT AND PATIENCE. HULK TRULY TRIES TO OFFER YA’LL SOMETHING OF REAL VALUE WITH EVERY SINGLE POST.

OF COURSE, PART OF THE HULK JOKE IS THAT MOST PEOPLE COME EXPECTING THE DUMB-TALK SMASHY TIME, BUT THE ACTUAL CONTENT OF THE ARTICLES HERE ARE FAIRLY SOFT, MEASURED, AND THOROUGH. OH SURE THERE’S THE OCCASIONAL POINTED BARBS OR THINGS THAT REALLY DO SET OFF HULK’S SMASH MODE. BUT FOR THE MOST PART ,HULK TRYING TO PUT FORTH THE BETTER ANGEL OF HULK’S NATURE. A GENUINE OPTIMISM ABOUT MOVIES, THE INTERNET, YOU GUYS, AND OUR SHARED CULTURE.

HULK CANNOT STATE MORE CLEARLY: NONE OF THIS IS ABOUT ADORATION, BUT THE TRUE JOY OF CONNECTING WITH IDEAS. THE RESPONSES HULK HAS GOT FROM SOME OF YOU, LIKE FOR EXAMPLE THOSE WHO WROTE IN SAYING HOW HULK’S MYTH OF 3 ACT STRUCTURE PIECE CHANGED THE SHAPE OF YOUR WRITING AND HAD A REAL FREEING EFFECT, THAT IS THE BIGGEST KIND OF JOY ANYONE CAN RECEIVE. SERIOUSLY.

LIKE COOKIES!

AND HERE’S ONE LAST TRUTH FOR YA’LL: OUTSIDE OF THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN HULK’S PERSONAL LIFE, HULK EMBRACING HULK’S INNER-HULK WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HULK… GOOD GOD THE HULK SPEAK IS REALLY NOT HELPING WITH THAT PARTICULAR SENTENCE, BUT WHATEVER.

THE POINT IS THAT HULK HAS GOTTEN TO CONNECT WITH SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE ABOUT MOVIES, GOTTEN TO WRITE ARTICLES WITH BRAZEN GENIUSES LIKE TOM TOWNEND, AND HAD INTERACTIONS WITH PEOPLE WHOSE MOVIES HULK ADORES. AND IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HULK’S READERS WHO COMMENTS ARE WONDERFUL, THOUGHTFUL INDIVIDUALS. HULK HAS EVEN SINCERELY TRIED TO READ EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER SENT TO HULK AND HULK TRULY APPRECIATES THE INPUT. SOMETIMES WE TRULY LOSE SIGHT OF THE FACT THAT THE INTERNET IS WHOLLY POWERFUL THING, CAPABLE OF SUCH AMAZING CONNECTION. TRULY AMAZING.

SO WHAT THIS “HULK SPEAK” STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS BASICALLY COMES DOWN TO IS THAT THIS IS ULTIMATELY JUST A MATTER OF BEING “COOL WITH IT” OR “NOT COOL WITH IT.” THAT’S ALSO TOTALLY OKAY. IN FACT, IT’S WHAT HAPPENS WITH MOST THINGS.

SO HERE’S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO… WHEN YOU READ HULK’S BLOGS OR TWEETS OR WHATEVER THE HELL, GO WITH WHAT YOUR MIND FIRST JUMPS TO: A 12 FOOT TALL, GREEN, MUSCULAR BEING CRAMMED IN FRONT OF A LITTLE COMPUTER SCREEN AND POURING HIS HEART OUT ABOUT MOVIES. A HEART THAT IS, LIKE THE REAL HULK’S, GENUINE, HUMAN, AND REAL.

BECAUSE WHETHER YOU REALIZE IT OR NOT, THAT’S WHAT IS REALLY HAPPENING HERE.

YES, INTERNET, THERE IS A FILM CRIT HULK. THE HULK EXISTS AS CERTAINLY AS LOVE AND GENEROSITY AND DEVOTION EXIST, AND YOU KNOW THAT THEY ABOUND TO YOUR LIFE ITS HIGHEST BEAUTY AND JOY. ALAS! HOW DREARY LIFE WOULD BE IF THERE WERE NO HULK. IT WOULD BE AS DREARY AS IF THERE WERE NO YOU. THERE WOULD BE NO CHILDLIKE FAITH THEN, NO POETRY, NO ROMANCE TO MAKE TOLERABLE THIS EXISTENCE. WE SHOULD HAVE NO ENJOYMENT, EXCEPT IN SENSE AND SIGHT. THE ETERNAL LIGHT WITH WHICH CHILDHOOD FILLS THE WORLD WOULD BE EXTINGUISHED.

HULK COULD PERHAPS JUST LEAVE YOU WITH THAT SACCHARINE BIT OF USURPERY, BUT THAT WOULDN’T BE THE OVERLY-CAUTIOUS GREEN GUY YOU’VE COME TO KNOW. THE TRUTH IS THAT IF BEING THE HULK EVEN AFFORDS THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF IRREVERENCE AND CHILD-LIKE FUN TO BE HAD IN THIS ENTIRELY-TOO-DRAB ARENA WE CALL FILM CRITICISM, EVEN IF IT’S FUN JUST TO ONE PERSON, THEN EMBRACING THE INNER-HULK WAS ABSOLUTELY THE RIGHT DECISION.

HULK SPEAK STAYS.

NOW THAT THAT’S SETTLED, HULK CAN FINALLY GET BACK TO BUSINESS AND ADDRESS THE STUFF THAT’S ACTUALLY FUN FOR HULK TO WRITE AND FOR YOU TO READ. LIKE THE REVIEW OF JAMES GUNN’S SUPER COMING UP ALONG WITH THE MOST DRUNKEN, SARCASTIC THING HULK HAS WRITTEN YET. GOOD TIMES!

YOUR BULLISH, DOE-EYED, AND INHERENT FRIEND

-HULK

IT TOTALLY AWKWARD, BUT IN THIS AGE OF INTERNETTIN’, SELF-PROMOTION = INEVITABLE NECESSITY.

IF GOAL TO ACTUALLY SHARE WHAT HULK HAVE SAY (WHICH IT IS) THEN THERE JUST CERTAIN STEPS NEED BE TAKEN, SO HULK GONNA SUCK IT UP AND DEAL.

AS PART OF THIS SHARING CONTENT INITIATIVE, HULK INVITE YOU LIKE FILM CRIT HULK’S NEW FACEBOOK PAGE.

PROPER LINK HERE: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Film-Crit-Hulk/203700956335197

HULK GONNA POST ARTICLES, UPDATES, PICTURES, ALL THAT STUFF THAT MAKE IT EASIER TO HOPEFULLY ENJOY HULK.

PLEASE “LIKE” IT IF SO INCLINED.

IF NOT, THAT OKAY. WE STILL COOL.

LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK.  HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.

THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.


BOND ENTRY #2. “FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE” (1963)

THE SECOND ENTRY IN BOND SERIES DEFINITELY IN HULK’S RUNNING FOR “BEST BOND EVER.” BUT IN ORDER QUALIFY THAT, HULK FIRST DISCUSS “WHAT MAKE A GOOD BOND FILM?”

TO SOME, THEY JUST WANT GOOD MOVIE. ONE THAT OBSCURE THE NONSENSICAL ELEMENTS OF BOND SERIES IN ORDER GRAVITATE TOWARD THINGS LIKE “STORY” AND “EMOTION.” FOR OTHERS, THEY WANT AS MANY BOND CONVENTIONS TO BE LOADED INTO 2 HOURS AS POSSIBLE. HULK ARGUE THIS SORT OF “ANTI-MOVIE-MAKING” BUT HULK UNDERSTAND IT TOO. BECAUSE THERE THINGS THAT MAKE JAMES BOND UNIQUELY JAMES BOND. AND EVERY COUPLE YEARS PEOPLE WANT GET THEIR FILL. HULK TOTALLY GET IT, BUT IT ALSO CAN GET A BIT PAVLOVIAN AT TIMES (CHECK OUT THE ABSURDLY FRIGHTENING “CRAIG NOT BOND” CAMPAIGN FROM FEW YEARS BACK THAT PREDICATED PURELY ON FACT DANIEL CRAIG HAVE BLONDE HAIR. IT BEYOND FUCKING INSANE.)

B-B-BUT HE BLONDE! AND HIS TIE UNTIED! UNSPEAKABLE!

HULK LEAN A LITTLE HEAVY ON THE “STORY” DIRECTION (HULK MEAN, ARE THESE MOVIES OR ARE THESE MOVIES?) BUT REALLY HULK DEEPLY APPRECIATE THE SUCCESSFUL BLENDING OF THE TWO. WHAT MAKE THE EARLY CONNERY RUN SO EXCITING THAT THEY MAKING THE RULES OF SERIES RIGHT THEN/THERE. IT GENUINELY FUN SEE HOW THE SHADOW S.P.E.C.T.E.R. EXTEND FURTHER AND FURTHER INTO WORLD INFLUENCE. AND THE INCREASING GRANDEUR OF EVIL LAIRS = GENUINELY THRILLING TO AUDIENCE (IT NEAT FOR MODERN AUDIENCE SEE ACTUAL THINGS CALLED “SETS”). SO HULK LOVE IT WHEN LATER FILMS MANAGE TO CAPTURE SAME SENSE OF AWE, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HOW DIFFICULT DO SINCE AUDIENCE KNOW IT COMING.

MOVING ON: HULK ACTUALLY HAVE THEORY THAT EVERY BOND FILM MERELY A RESPONSE TO THE RESPONSE OF THE ONE BEFORE IT. NOT ENOUGH GADGETS? THE NEXT ONE HAVE CRAZY GADGETS EVERYWHERE. TOO MANY GADGETS EVERYWHERE? THE NEXT ONE GO EASY ON GADGETS… AND SO ON. FOR EXAMPLE PEOPLE LIKE THE GRITTY, REALISTIC MANNER OF CASINO ROYALE, BUT WANTED MORE ACTION SCENE, SO QUANTUM OF SOLACE GO EVEN FURTHER WITH GRITTY AND ALSO CRAM IT CHOCK FULL OF ACTION SCENE. OF COURSE PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS SO NEXT ONE WILL GO MORE WITH INTRIGUE/SUAVENESS.

AND THIS “REACTION TO LAST ONE” EVEN QUALIFY FOR “FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE.”

THE FIRST FILM “DR. NO” COME OUT AND IT MASSIVE HIT. PEOPLE LOVE THE GAGDET STUFF SO THIS TIME BOND GET REALLY NEAT BRIEFCASE FULL OF THEM. LIKEWISE, SOME PEOPLE FELT DR. NO NOT SERIOUS ENOUGH SPY MOVIE SO “RUSSIA” OBSCURE SOME OF THE CAMP OF FIRST ONE AND FAVOR A MORE CONCENTRATED AND CLASSIC ESPIONAGE/LOVE STORY. IN FACT, THE FILM HAS HITCHCOCK INFLUENCE ALL OVER IT: THE HELICOPTER CHASE RIGHT OUT OF “NORTH BY NORTHWEST”. THE SNIPER SCENE SHOT COMPLETELY IN HITCHCOCKIAN STYLE. THEN THERE WHOLE WONDERFULLY QUIET/TENSE “STRANGERS ON A TRAIN” FINALE.

SOME PEOPLE THINK “FROM RUSSIA” A LITTLE TOO BORING AND NOT “BOND ENOUGH,” BUT HULK THINK THE WHOLE MOVIE WORK GREAT AS PERFECT BLENDING OF PURE BOND ENTRY AND INDEPENDENT PIECE OF CINEMA. IT DEFINITELY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITES.

BEST MOMENT:  SURPRISINGLY EFFECTIVE CLOSE-QUARTER FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY IN THE TRAIN / ROSA KLEBB IN THE MAID OUTFIT (TIE)

GENIUS

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?:

1) DANIELA BIANCHI AS TATIANA RAMANOVA – ARCHETYPE: THE RIVAL AGENT SET UP BE VILLAINESS (THOUGH IN THIS VARIATION SHE SORT OF UNWITTING ONE) BUT SHE ACTUALLY FALL FOR HIM.  SHE CONTINUE THE BOND GIRL TRADITION OF VACUOUSNESS (WHICH ALL MORE WEIRD CONSIDERING SHE A QUALIFIED RUSSIAN AGENT?)… BUT HERE THING. DESPITE ALL THIS NONSENSE, TATIANA RAMANOVA STILL FEEL LIKE REAL PERSON. HULK KNOW, HULK KNOW. THAT SEEM LIKE WEIRD STATEMENT, BUT FILM JUST SPEND SO MUCH TIME WITH HER (WAY MORE THAN ANY OTHER BOND GIRL) THAT EVEN IF SHE BIT NAIVE, HER LOOK AND CHARACTER JUST MUCH MORE OF A “ADULT WOMAN” IN COMPARISON TO THE PARADE OF INFANTILE GIRLS BOND FILM USUALLY SHOVE OUT THERE. BIANCHI’S RAMANOVA  MUCH MORE OF A HITCHCOCKIAN FEMALE LEAD (COMPLETE WITH THEIR OWN PROBLEMS OF SEXISM) RATHER THAN THE COMPLETE FEMALE IDIOT AUDIENCE WILL GROW USE TO. AND PERHAPS THAT WHY SHE ONE OF HULK’S FAVES.

THIS MAY BE ANOTHER REASON

2 + 3) MARTINE BESWICK AND ALIZA GUR – BOTH PLAY TWO GYPSIES IN WHAT ALSO HAPPEN TO BE OUR:

MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: TWO GYPSY WOMEN MADE TO FIGHT TO DEATH FOR RIGHT TO JAMES BOND’S DONG… OF COURSE THEY BOTH WIN.

WHY MURDER WHEN CAN SHARE?

SUPPORTING CAST – DR. NO HINTED AT END OF FIRST FILM THAT HE JUST PART OF LARGER ORGANIZATION S.P.E.C.T.E.R. HERE WE SEE MORE OF SHADOWY WEALTHY GROUP. AND 1) THE MAIN “VILLAIN” IN THIS ONE SIMPLY AN ARYAN BLONDE HITMAN NAMED “DONALD GRANT” WHO SENT TO KILL HIM. HE SPEND MOST OF MOVIE LOOKING MENACING AND TRACKING BOND ACROSS EUROPE (WHILE USING RAMANOVA AS PAWN) BUT RARELY SPEAKING. WHICH MEAN HE SIMPLY NEED HAVE GREAT LOOK/NATURAL PRESENCE. SO WHO BETTER THAN ROBERT SHAW! THAT RIGHT! QUINT FROM JAWS! ANYWHO, HE MOSTLY SET UP AS SILENT BAD ASS. THEN IN FINALE HE SURPRISE AUDIENCE WITH COVERT WITH BRITISH ACCENT IN GREAT TETE-A-TETE SCENE WITH BOND. THE BUILD UP SO GOOD THAT “ARYAN BLONDE ASSASSIN” ACTUALLY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE BOND VILLAINS.

ACTUALLY, HE LOOK LOT LIKE DANIEL CRAIG... WEIRD

2) PEDRO ARMENDARIZ AS ALI KERIM BEY – YET ANOTHER OF THE MINORITY SUPPORTING CHARACTERS WHO SHOW UP AND DIE IN SERVICE OF JAMES BOND. THIS ONE MADE ALL THE BETTER BY HAVING A FAMOUS MEXICAN CHARACTER ACTOR PLAY TURKISH GUY (THE 60S CAN GET AWAY W/ THAT STUFF… THEN AGAIN, HOLLYWOOD STILL GET AWAY WITH PAN-ASIAN CASTING LIKE NOBODY BUSINESS). TO BE FAIR, PEDRO PRETTY GOOD IN FILM. MEANING HE SORTA LIKABLE AND HE NOT TOTALLY EMBARRASSING. IT THE LITTLE THINGS… HIS STORY A SAD ONE AS HE FIND OUT HE HAVE TERMINAL CANCER WHILE FILMING AND DIE SHORTLY AFTER COMPLETION.

3) DESMOND LLEWELYN MAKE FIRST APPEARANCE AS Q! OK, HE JUST “BOOTHROYD” AT THIS POINT AND NOT IN FULL Q GLORY YET, BUT WE GET SEE FIRST BITS OF HIS  SHTICK. HULK SAVE HIS “Q” TAKE FOR LATER.

4) LOTTE LENYA AS ROSA KLEBB – TOO FANTASTIC TO DESCRIBE. HER MINCING ALPHA LESBIANISM AND PATENT ABSURDITY EVEN BETTER THAN HER AUSTIN POWERS DOPPELGANGER.

DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: 5 HULK SMASHES OUT OF5!

BETTY’S TAKE: “I still can’t get over his thighs ”

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