IGNORANCE IS BLISS.
NOTE: WARNING FOR THE LITERAL MINDED, IGNORANCE IS NOT ACTUALLY BLISS. IN FACT, IGNORANCE IS ACTUALLY BAD WHEN COMES TO THE FOLLOWING: KNOWING IF YOU HAVE EARLY STAGE CANCER, VOTING, ATTEMPTING HOME REPAIR, KNOWING IF THAT MILK IS PAST-DUE, ENGAGING IN ANY SORT OF COHERENT DISCUSSION, THE EXISTENCE OF [INSERT TOTALLY AWESOME BAND HERE], AND WHICH OF THOSE SPIDERS ARE POISONOUS, YES THE ONES RIGHT FREAKING THERE!
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO GOING TO THE MOVIES AND ASSUMING EVERYTHING IS ALL FINE AND DANDY WITH THE PROJECTION SO THAT YOU CAN JUST SIT BACK, RELAX, AND ENJOY A MOVIE, THEN YES…
IGNORANCE IS TOTALLY BLISS.
WHEN YOU KNOW A BUNCH ABOUT THEATER PROJECTION (HULK NEVER ACTUALLY WORKED IN ONE. HULK IS JUST, YOU KNOW, A NERD) YOU WILL LIKELY BE ASSAULTED WITH A BEVY OF VERY STUPID TECHNICAL ISSUES. THESE DAYS, HULK PRETTY GOOD ABOUT STAYING OUT OF THEATERS THAT ARE CARELESS WITH THIS STUFF, BUT EVEN THE BEST WILL HAVE THEIR MINOR ISSUES.
EXAMPLE OF HULK’S INNER DIALOGUE: “THE FRAME LOOKS AN INCH TOO HIGH ON THE SCREEN… SHOULD HULK SAY SOMETHING? THAT NOT THAT BIG A DEAL. BESIDES, HULK’S IN THE MIDDLE, GETTING OUT COULD BE AWKWARD. GOD HULK CAN’T WAIT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT THE FRAME BEING AN INCH TOO HIGH [GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE] WHOA, THAT GUY IN THE 3RD ROW LOOKS LIKE MANDY PATINKIN.”
… THIS HAPPENS A BUNCH. SOMETIMES YOU SAY THINGS TO THE THEATER MANAGEMENT. SOMETIMES YOU DON’T. IT LARGELY DEPENDS ON YOUR ENERGY LEVEL/NOT WANTING TO SEEM LIKE A PRICK/YOUR SIZING UP OF THE COMPETENCY OF THE USHER.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT HULK IS NOT LOOKING TO FIND PROBLEMS WITH THINGS. THERE IS NOTHING MORE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD HULK WANTS THAN TO JUST GO TO THE MOVIES AND EVERYTHING BE AWESOME, SO THAT HULK CAN SIT BACK AND HAVE A WHOLLY VISCERAL AND THRILLING EXPERIENCE. THE LAST THING HULK WANTS TO THINK IS “I’M IN A THEATER RIGHT NOW.” REALLY, HULK WANTS WHAT WE ALL WANT.
SO ANYWHO, HULK SAW DRIVE THIS PAST WEEKEND AND DIDN’T MENTION THE FOLLOWING:
THE THEATER HAD A BLOWN SPEAKER.
THE MOVIE THEATER SUPPOSEDLY PRIDES ITSELF ON PROJECTION AND THESE SORTS OF TECHNICAL ISSUES, AND THIS IS, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, A BIG ONE.
MEANING IT WAS A FRONT SPEAKER, ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCREEN, SO THE DIALOGUE WAS WAY, WAY LOW. NORMALLY HULK WOULD JUST LEAVE IF THIS THE CASE AND SEE THE FILM IN DIFFERENT SHOWING (THIS SADLY, THE EASIEST OPTION IN MOST CASES), BUT GIVEN HULK’S SCHEDULE RIGHT NOW THERE WAS SIMPLY NO OTHER TIME OR WAY HULK WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SEE THE DARN MOVIE. THEREFORE, HULK WENT TO TELL AN USHER, WHICH AGAIN, AT THIS THEATER YOU ARE TOTALLY ENCOURAGED TO DO.
CONVERSATION GO LIKE THIS:
HULK: “HI. SORRY. I’M PRETTY YOU HAVE A BLOWN SPEAKER, THE FRONT SCREEN-SIDE LEFT. THE DIALOGUE IS WAY, WAY TOO LOW.”
USHER: “Oh no sometimes trailers have different volumes.”
HULK: “NO. SORRY, THAT NOT WHAT HULK SAYING. HULK PRETTY SURE THE SPEAKER’S BLOWN.”
USHER: “Um. Well… let’s see… [LONG SILENCE].”
HULK: MOST THEATERS HAVE REPLACEMENT SPEAKERS CAUSE IT HAPPENS LOT. YOU SHOULD TELL THE PROJECTIONIST. A LOT OF TIMES THEY CAN EVEN BE REPLACED MID-MOVIE.” (NOTE: THIS LARGELY DEPENDS ON YOUR ELECTRICAL RIGGING AND WHETHER YOU CAN ISOLATE CURRENT TO A SPEAKER TO SHUT IT DOWN FOR REPAIR. MOST OF THE TIME YOU CAN. SOMETIMES YOU CAN’T. AND DEPENDING ON SPEAKER SIZE THEY HAVE TO CALL IN TECHNICIANS SO THAT COULD DELAY TOO.)
USHER: “Sounds okay to me though.”
HULK: “HULK THINK IT’S JUST CAUSE YOU’RE STANDING ON THE EDGE BY THE WALL SPEAKERS, IF YOU COME 10 FEET OVER TO WHERE PEOPLE SITTING IT COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. HULK CAN POINT TO SPEAKER THAT BROKEN.”
USHER: “Okay, Thank you sir I’ll tell the projectionist.”
NEEDLESS TO SAY IT NOT REPLACED AND HULK PRETTY SURE, LIKE A GAME OF TELEPHONE, THE MESSAGE WAS GARBLED (OR EVEN CONVEYED).
BUT AGAIN, HULK JUST MADE DUE AND LUCKILY DRIVE IS THE KIND OF MOVIE WHERE THERE’S BARELY A WORD SAID AND ALL THE OTHER AMBIENT SOUND TELLS THE STORY. AFTER FIVE MINUTES HULK WAS EVEN ABLE TO TRICK HULK’S BRAIN INTO THINKING IT A DELIBERATE CHOICE TO MAKE AN UBER QUIET MOVIE. AGAIN, HULK USUALLY OKAY AT CREATING THESE SORTS OF MIND GAMES, BECAUSE, WELL MOVIES ARE PROJECTED INCORRECTLY A FUCK TON.
THE KEY IS JUST TO UNDERSTAND HOW THEY AFFECT WHAT YOU SEEING.
SO ANYCRAP, AFTER THE MOVIE HULK WENT TO GUEST SERVICES (WHO HULK SHOULD HAVE GONE TO RIGHT AWAY BUT HULK DIDN’T WANT TO MISS A FRAME) AND THE PERSON THERE TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD THE PROBLEM IMMEDIATELY. THEY SAID THEY DIDN’T HEAR ABOUT IT AND WERE VERY SORRY AND WENT TO GO FIX IT.
SO WHY DOES THIS MATTER SO MUCH? BESIDES ESTABLISHING THAT HULK IS EITHER SUPER ANAL ABOUT MOVIE WATCHING OR JUST LOOKS FOR ANY OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABOUT PROJECTION NUANCE ON THIS BLOG?
BECAUSE SOUND DIRECTLY AFFECTS YOUR EXPERIENCE.
CUT TO A FEW MINUTES EARLIER, AS PEOPLE AS THEY WERE LEAVING SOME GUY IN A IRON MAN T-SHIRT SAID: “The movie was too fucking quiet. Seriously it was shit. How could anyone make a movie like that? I couldn’t hear him talk. Ryan Gosling fucking sucks.”
TO PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT PROJECTION, THE STATEMENT IS BOTH HILARIOUS AND SOUL-CRUSHING. THERE IS A WHOLE CREW OF AMAZINGLY TALENTED PEOPLE WHO SPEND MONTHS OF THEIR LIVES TRYING TO ORCHESTRATE EVERY SINGLE DETAIL IN TERMS OF PICTURE AND SOUND AND THEN THEY HAND THEM OFF TO THE THEATERS THAT PRESENT THEM AND ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
HULK KNOW THERE A HUGE MOVEMENT OF LATE TO CORRECT PROJECTION WHETHER IT IN REGARDS TO HIGH-VALUE/HIGH COST THEATER CHAINS LIKE THE ALAMO DRAFT HOUSE OFFERING HIGHER STANDARDS, THE APPROPRIATE BULB BRIGHTNESS FOR 3D, OR TERRENCE MALICK WRITING LETTERS, BUT IT JUST ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE IMPORTANT CONVERSATIONS IN MOVIES.
SHOULD THE THEATER TRIED TO DO MORE? (MAYBE) COULD THEY HAVE DONE MORE? (MAYBE) SHOULD THEY HAVE STOPPED THE SCREENING AND REFUNDED EVERYONE? (PROBABLY NOT) SHOULD THE USHERS HAVE REALIZED THE OBVIOUS PROBLEM BEFOREHAND AND FIXED PRE-SCREEENING? (PROBABLY THE BEST SOLUTION?)
HULK KNOW HULK SAID THIS A “HULK SMASH” COLUMN BUT IT NOT REALLY LIKE THAT. HULK JUST LOOKING TO RAISE THE PROFILE OF A CONVERSATION ABOUT NERDY TECHNICAL ISSUES.
IT’S NOT JUST FOR NICOLAS WINDING REFN AND THE HOST OF FILMMAKERS, CINEMATOGRAPHERS, SOUND EDITORS, AND PRODUCTION PEOPLE WHO POURED YEARS OF THEIR LIVES INTO IT AND WOULD HATE TO HEAR STORIES LIKE THIS.
IT’S ABOUT YOU. BECAUSE EVEN IF IT’S A HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS TO BE AWARE OF THIS KIND OF STUFF, BECAUSE WHETHER WE ARE IGNORANT OF IT OR NOT, IT DIRECTLY AFFECTS OUR EXPERIENCE.
FILM CRIT HULK! HULK BLOG! 