WHAT IF HULK TELL YOU THAT THERE ONE SINGULAR THROUGH-LINE TO THE VERY NATURE OF CRITICISM?

HULK READ LOT OF MOVIE CRITICISM. AND HULK MEAN LOT. HULK POSSIBLY EVEN READ YOUR BOOK/COLUMN/SITE TODAY. AND OVER DOING THIS LAST TWENTY YEARS OR SO, HULK BEEN LOOKING FOR ONE SINGLE THROUGH-LINE HELP EXPLAIN WHY CRITICS SAY THE THING THEY DO. SPECIFICALLY, HULK INTERESTED WHAT CAUSE SOMEONE TO HAVE SEEMINGLY BIZARRE OPINION. IT NOT EASY THING DO. LOTS PEOPLE COMING FROM DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES AND HAVE ALL SORTS VALUES. AND IT ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT WHEN TRYING DECIDE IF IT YOUR OWN BIAS GETTING IN WAY. YET HULK DESPERATE KNOW WHY PEOPLE RESPOND TO MOVIES WAY THEY DO. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY HOW THEY THEN PROCESS AND EXPLAIN THOSE RESPONSES. THE ANSWER NOT JUST RELATE MOVIE CRITICISM, BUT UNIVERSAL CRITICISM. HULK BELIEVE CENTER AROUND ONE THING:

TANGIBLE DETAILS.

OK. HULK KNOW YOU THINKING “TANGIBLE DETAILS? DUH, OF COURSE! WHAT YOU IDIOT? OF COURSE THE FREAKIN’ DETAILS MATTER!”

HULK KNOW. HULK KNOW. IT SOUND BROAD AS HECK, BUT HULK ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT VERY SPECIFIC WAY THE OBVIOUS, TANGIBLE DETAILS OF MOVIE DIRECTLY AFFECT HOW THE AT-LARGE CULTURE DIGEST IT. SO ALLOW HULK MOMENT ILLUSTRATE EXACTLY WHAT HULK MEAN… OKAY MORE THAN MOMENT. OVER 4000 WORDS AND LOTS OF TANGENTS. HULK SORRY, BUT VERY SIMPLE CONCEPT OFTEN THE HARDEST KIND TO JUSTIFY.

SO…

GIVEN: OUR ABILITY PROCESS THINGS INHERENTLY LINKED TO AMOUNT OF INFORMATION WE UNDERSTAND. MOST OF US QUASI-EXPERTS IN SOME WAY AT SOMETHING. OUR FAVORITE TV SHOW. BEER-BREWING. OUR FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM. WHATEVER, CHANCES ARE IT SOMETHING.

BUT THEN THERE LARGE NUMBER THINGS OUTSIDE THAT AREA WE QUASI-EXPERTS IN. AND MANY OF THESE THINGS STUFF WE ALL HAVE TALK ABOUT IN FORM OF PUBLIC SOCIALIZING. THE PROVERBIAL CAMPFIRE. STUFF LIKE ELECTIONS, THE SUPERBOWL, POPULAR TV SHOWS, BIG NEWS EVENTS, HIT MOVIES, RESTAURANT CHAINS. THE USUAL STUFF. AND OFTEN THESE UNIVERSAL SUBJECTS THROW US INTO CONVERSATIONS THAT WE MAY OR MAY NO HAVE STRONG KNOWLEDGE ABOUT.

"THE NYE METS ARE MY FAVORITE SQUADRON"

IN ONE WAY, IT OKAY IF NOT KNOW LOT ABOUT CERTAIN SUBJECT. THERE ACTUALLY SUBCONSCIOUS WAY IN WHICH MOST OF US ABLE PROCESS SIMPLE GOOD OR BADNESS OF JUST ABOUT ANYTHING: MOVIES WORK ON LARGELY VISCERAL LEVEL. FOOD CAN TASTE GOOD OR NO TASTE GOOD. SPORTS TEAMS HAVE WINS AND LOSSES. PRODUCTS CAN SIMPLY WORK OR NO WORK. THERE WAY WE UNDERSTAND SOME FORM RELATIVE VALUE OF ALL THESE THINGS.

BUT WHEN COME TIME ACTUALLY EXPLAIN THEM, NOT EVERYONE HAVE LANGUAGE/VERNACULAR TO BEST EXPRESS WHAT AT PLAY. SO ONLY WAY CAN EXPLAIN ANYTHING BY PRESENTING EVIDENCE. AND EVIDENCE 100% DEPENDENT ON THINGS WE NOTICE. AND THOSE THE TANGIBLE DETAILS.

… and FOR MOST PEOPLE, IT NOT ALWAYS THE RIGHT DETAILS PER SAY, BUT INSTEAD THE ONES THAT SIMPLY STICK OUT MOST.

THE FILM THAT MAKE HULK FIRST THINK IN THESE TERMS ACTUALLY SPIDER-MAN 3. MOST PEOPLE AGREE THAT SPIDER-MAN 3 PRETTY MUCH SUCK. OK? GOOD. MOVING ON. THE REAL REASON IT SUCK IT BECAUSE IT FORGET MOST BASIC ELEMENTS OF STORYTELLING 101. IT HAVE ZERO NARRATIVE STEAM AND ENERGY. IT CONFUSED ABOUT CHARACTER MOTIVATION. IT  SIDETRACK PLOT CONSTANTLY. THESE SIMPLE SCREENWRITING PROBLEMS. BUT WHAT THE ONE THING TONS PEOPLE POINT TO AS WHY IT SUCK?

EMO PETER PARKER.

NEVERMIND FACT MOST PEOPLE NOT KNOW WHAT "EMO" ACTUALLY MEAN

HULK HATE SAY IT, BUT THE SAD TRUTH THAT THE “EMO PETER PARKER” SEQUENCE THE ONLY ONE IN FILM THAT ACTUALLY HAVE SENSE OF HUMOR AND PALPABLE ENERGY. SERIOUSLY, HULK ARGUE IT THE ONLY “GOOD” SEQUENCE IN FILM. WATCH IT AGAIN BELOW. HULK THINK MAGUIRE DELIVERING GREAT COMIC PERFORMANCE. ESPECIALLY SINCE THE REAL JOKE THAT THIS WHAT A “CONFIDENT” PETER PARKER ACTUALLY LOOK/ACT LIKE. HILARIOUS.

BUT GIVEN THAT REST OF FILM HAVE NO ENERGY + FUN SCENES WHATSOEVER, IT THEREFORE NOT FIT TONE OF MOVIE WHATSOEVER. IT SIMPLY WAY, WAY DIFFERENT. THEREFORE, IT TANGIBLE TO EVERYONE WHO SEE IT. IT BECOME DEFAULT THING PEOPLE POINT OUT WHEN TRYING EXPLAIN WHY THE MOVIE (WHICH THEY ABSORBED ON VISCERAL LEVEL) SUCKED. TRUST HULK, EVEN IF THE EMO PETER PARKER SEQUENCE NOT IN MOVIE, PEOPLE STILL BE TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH SPIDER-MAN 3 COMPLETELY AND WHOLLY SUCKED. IT JUST THE THING THAT STOOD OUT TO EVERYONE.

OKAY, THAT NOT EVEN THE ONLY REASON. THE OTHER BIG THING PEOPLE POINTED TO THAT “IT HAVE TOO MANY VILLAINS!” NO. NOT AT ALL. IT JUST IT HAVE VILLAINS WHOSE PLOT-LINES GO NOWHERE AND HAVE NOTHING DO WITH EACH OTHER. THE DARK KNIGHT HAVE TWO VILLAINS AND WORK CAUSE THE VILLAINS STORIES INTERTWINED AT KEY POINTS AND CONSTANTLY DRIVE NARRATIVE FORWARD. HULK RECENTLY TALK ABOUT REASON FIRST KUNG FU PANDA WORK SO WELL THAT THE FIVE MAIN CHARACTERS MOTIVATIONS AND PLOT ALL TIE INTO EACH OTHER SEAMLESSLY. AGAIN, IT GO BACK TO STORYTELLING 101. BUT IN SPIDER-MAN 3 EVERY CHARACTER JUST SORT OF DOING OWN THING REGARDLESS OF WHATEVER ELSE GOING ON. AND RAIMI HAD NO INTEREST IN VENOM SO STUDIO FORCED IT ON HIM TO BOOT. AS RESULT, THE SCENE WHERE VENOM AND SANDMAN “TEAM UP” LAUGHABLE IN ITS LAZY CONSTRUCTION. IT COULD NO GIVE LESS OF SHIT. AGAIN, IT NOT THAT THERE ARE TWO VILLAINS. IT THAT THE TWO VILLAINS JUST NOT DONE WELL WHATSOEVER. THE “TOO MANY VILLAINS!” MANTRA SOMETHING NOTICEABLE TO MOVIE-GOING PUBLIC BECAUSE THE PRIOR SPIDER-MAN MOVIES SUCCEED GREAT WITH JUST ONE VILLAIN.

BEING “EXPERT” JUST MEAN YOU ABLE MAKE THE LESS TANGIBLE DETAILS, WELL, TANGIBLE. MANY MUCH-BETTER CRITICS AND HULK SPENT LIFE TRYING FIGURE OUT MOVIES. SO MAYBE HULK CAN TELL WHEN SUBTLE TONE SHIFT AFFECTING AUDIENCE ENJOYMENT. OR WHEN CHARACTER SUDDENLY ACTING OUT OF CHARACTER. OR WHEN DIRECTING DECISION BEING MAKE FOR WRONG REASON. OR IF WRITER’S CERTAIN PERSONALITY TIC COME SHINING THROUGH AND DISRUPT ON THEMATIC LEVEL. OR HOW SOME SORT PRODUCTION HISTORY COMING INTO PLAY. BEING AWARE THIS STUFF THE VERY GOAL BEING CRITIC.

MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALL OF THIS, HULK FINALLY LEARN THE ABILITY TELL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD-INSANE NIC CAGE AND BAD-INSANE NIC CAGE. +5 CRITIC EXP. POINTS!

“WAIT A MINUTE” YOU MAY SAY TO HULK. “ISN’T THERE AN OLD SAYING THAT “NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING” IN THIS BUSINESS?”

EXCUSE HULK, BUT THAT HORSESHIT. LOTS PEOPLE KNOW THINGS. IT JUST THERE MORE PEOPLE THAT NOT KNOW THINGS AND THEY HAVE TENDENCY FUCK THINGS UP. BUT WHEN CAPABLE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN PRODUCING, DIRECTING, ACTING, EDITING, AND THEN MARKETING… THE SKY THE LIMIT. LIKE WITH INCEPTION. THAT MOVIE IN ENTIRETY, EVEN THE CORPORATE NON-MOVIE STUFF, HANDLED PERFECTLY. SO TRUST HULK: SOME PEOPLE KNOW THINGS.

HULK ONCE BRING UP “TANGIBLE DETAILS” THEORY IN ONLINE FORUM TO EXCELLENT FILM CRITIC DEVIN FARACI. HE SEEMED AGREE WITH THEORY AND MUCH TO HULK’S SURPRISE, HE OFFER EXACT SAME ANECDOTE HULK OFTEN USE WHEN PROFESSING HULK’S OWN IGNORANCE ABOUT STUFF: NOT KNOWING SHIT ABOUT CARS.

REALLY, HULK KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CARS. HULK KNOW HULK’S CAR EITHER GO BROOM BROOM OR THE ENGINE LIGHT COME ON AND MAKE FUNNY NOISE. BUT OF COURSE THIS NO STOP HULK MAKING BROAD STATEMENTS LIKE, “THIS CAR HANDLE GOOD”, “THIS CAR SUCKS” , OR “THIS CAR LOOK COOL.” IT USUALLY BASED ON OBVIOUS THINGS LIKE APPEARANCE OR SIMPLE FEEL. MEANWHILE, A REAL GEARHEAD WOULD BE ABLE TO ARTICULATE THE PROBLEMS OR BENEFITS OF SAID CAR WITH, YOU KNOW, ACTUAL ACCURACY.

THIS IMPORTANT BECAUSE HULK NO WANT YOU THINK HULK BEING POMPOUS BOUT THIS STUFF. HULK NOT SAYING PEOPLE WHO TALK ABOUT MOVIES POORLY = COMPLETE IDIOTS WHO SHOULD NO BE ALLOWED. NOT IN SLIGHTEST. IT OFTEN JUST ARTICULATED LESS GOOD.

”]EVEN IF SOME PEOPLE MAY BE SAYING SOMETHING “IDIOTIC” IN TERMS OF CINEMATIC UNDERSTANDING, THAT NOT MAKE THEM IDIOTS. THEY MAKING SNAP DEDUCTIONS ABOUT SOMETHING OUTSIDE THEY FIELD. HULK TRYING SHOW WITH CAR EXAMPLE THAT SOMETHING WE ALLGUILTY OF. WHICH MEAN IT ALWAYS IMPORTANT THAT WE COLLECTIVELY UNDERSTAND WHEN WE GIVING OPINION THAT NO MAY BE WORTH MUCH. SELF-AWARENESS = CRITICAL.

BUT OF COURSE, NOT EVERYONE ACT ACCORDINGLY. AND EVEN MORE PEOPLE LACK SELF-AWARENESS. GOING BACK TO THAT ONLINE FORUM HULK MENTION EARLIER, THE REASON SUBJECT OF “TANGIBLE DETAILS” COME UP IN FIRST PLACE BECAUSE OF WHAT HULK FIND BE FUNNIEST TREND FOR FILM ARGUMENT AROUND… THE OLE’ “WHAT ACTORS LOOK LIKE” ARGUMENT.

FOR SOME REASON, THE INTERNET LOVE FANTASY CASTING. AND THIS ALWAYS REALLY FUNNY TO HULK CAUSE IT SEEM LIKE MOST FOLKS WHO ENJOY DO IT, PURELY BASING IT OFF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE AND NOTHING MORE. AS IF IT ONLY THING INVOLVED IN ACTING AND NOT ACTUAL, YOU KNOW, PERFORMANCE AND SKILL. THIS MOSTLY HAPPEN WITH COMIC READERS FOR SOME REASON (WHICH HULK COUNT AMONG THEIR MEMBERS… OBVIVOUSLY… THAT OBVIOUS, RIGHT?), BUT HULK HAVE SHOCKING NEWS FOR FELLOW READERS: PHYSICAL LOOK HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING DO WITH IT. SO STOP IT.

PUT IT THIS WAY, EVER WONDER WHY THERE NOT LOT PEOPLE OUT THERE COMPLAINING ABOUT GWENYTH PALTROW NOT BEING NATURAL REDHEAD IN PEPPER POTTS ROLE AFTER THE MOVIE COME OUT? IT BECAUSE SHE FUCKING FANTASTIC IN THOSE MOVIES. SHUT EVERYONE RIGHT UP. MEANWHILE HULK SEE ALL THE TIME LOTS COMIC READERS SAY THE REASON JESSICA ALBA NO GOOD IN FANTASTIC FOUR THE “SHE NOT LOOK RIGHT” OR “SHE A BRUNETTE. IT IDIOTIC!” WHY, YOU RIGHT! IT HAVE NOTHING DO WITH FACT SHE TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE ACTRESS.

THIS SORT OF “LOOK BASED EVALUATION” INSANITY HAPPEN ALL THE TIME. REMEMBER THE CRAIG NOT BOND PEOPLE WHO HAD GIANT CAMPAIGN GET DANIEL CRAIG UN-CAST AS BOND BECAUSE HE HAVE BLONDE HAIR. THE HUMANITY! EVER WONDER HOW SAD THAT CAMPAIGN GET? ONCE MOVIE COME OUT AND BECOME HUGE REBOOT SUCCESS EVERYONE LOVE THEY CLING TO FACT THAT HAPPY FEET OUTPERFORMED IT AS “EVIDENCE” THEY RIGHT…

HULK HATE BREAK TO YOU BUT CRAIG PRETTY INCREDIBLE BOND

THE BEST PART THAT THIS SOMETIMES HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ACTORS. THE O.C.D. “LOOKS BASED” TANGIBLE DETAIL THING ONCE APPLIED TO MICHAEL BAY’S TRANSFORMERS MOVIE. IN CASE FORGET, THERE ONCE TONS OF PEOPLE ONCE SIGN BOYCOTT THEY NO SEE TRANSFORMERS MOVIE IF OPTIMUS PRIME HAD FLAMES. THIS HAPPENED. AND IT ACTUALLY KIND OF POPULAR DESPITE NO ONE FROM DREAMWORKS EVER TAKING IT SERIOUSLY. AND THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY, BUT WILLING WAGER MOST PEOPLE SIGNED IT ACTUALLY SAW MOVIE ANYWAY.

TAKE THAT!

BACK TO REA- LIFE ACTORS: THE ACTUAL QUALITY OF ACTING ONLY AFFECT THESE VIEWERS ON SUBCONSCIOUS LEVEL. IT NOT TANGIBLE DETAIL TO THEM. SO TO EXPLAIN WHY JESSICA ALBA RUB THEM WRONG WAY THEY CLING TO PHYSICAL DETAILS. IT HAPPEN ALL THE TIME. O.C.D. COMIC NERDS CLING TO PHYSICAL LOOKS TO EXPLAIN CASTING CAUSE THEY JUST SIMPLY NOT FAMILIAR WITH ACTING.

BUT THE IMPORTANT PART THAT IT NOT LIKE THEY INHUMAN EITHER. VAST MAJORITY CAN GET OVER PHYSICAL DETAILS HEN ACTOR ACTUALLY GOOD. LIKE THE AFOREMENTIONED PALTROW. AND REMEMBER WHEN HUGH JACKMAN “TOO TALL” FOR WOLVERINE? NOBODY GAVE SHIT WHEN HE AWESOME. IDRIS ELBA” TOO BLACK” BE NORDIC GOD? THAT RIDICULOUS CLAMOR DIE DOWN AS SOON AS THEY SEE HOW BADASS HE IN IT. NOPE, IT ONLY COME UP WHEN THESE VIEWERS TRY EXPLAIN BADNESS. HALLE BERRY “SUCKED” AS STORM CAUSE OF HER HAIRDO. RIGHT. IT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HER CHARACTER HAVING NO PLOT/MOTIVATION. THE “LOOKS” THING ABSOLUTELY MOST PERFECT EXAMPLE PEOPLE CLINGING TO THE TANGIBLE DETAILS ARGUMENT.

BUT THAT JUST EXTREME EXAMPLE, RIGHT? HA-HA-HA LET ALL LAUGH AT THOSE DUMB COMIC NERDS ALONE IN THEIR MOM’S BASEMENT EATING BOOGERS (HULK HATE THIS STEREOTYPE WITH PASSION OF THOUSAND SMASHES) WHO SO BENEATH THE UNDERSTANDING OF ESTEEMED CINEPHILES LIKE US!

OKAY. HULK RAISE YOU WITHTHE SUPPOSED BELLWETHER-AND-BASTION-OF-QUALITY… THAT RIGHT, EVERYONE’S FAVORITE FILM CRITICISM LIGHTING ROD, THE OSCARS!

OR AS IT KNOW IN HULK'S HOUSE "THAT THING BETTY MAKE HULK WATCH"

UGH. HULK SORT OF UPSET WITH HULK-SELF CAUSE HULK USE THINK OSCARS ACTUALLY MATTERED. OH THEY MATTER IN HOLLYWOOD BUSINESS SENSE. THEY OFTEN GIVE MORE VIEWERSHIP GOOD FILMS AND HELP SPUR CAREERS MANY TALENTED PEOPLE. IN THAT SENSE HULK APPRECIATE THE WORTH. BUT HULK USE THINK THERE THINGS LIKE INJUSTICES AND TRAVESTIES. LIKE WHAT ACTUALLY WON IMPORTANT FOR SANCTITY OF UNIVERSE OR EVEN SOME KIND OF INDICATOR OF RELATIVE QUALITY. IT NOT TRUE.

THERE OLD ADAGE ABOUT OSCARS AND THAT YOU “SWITCH THE WORD ‘BEST’ WITH ‘MOST.'” AFTER SEEING VOTING PROCESS UP CLOSE HULK TELL YOU IT ABSOLUTELY TRUE. MOST ACTING. ALWAYS THE BIG BOMBASTIC PERFORMANCES WIN. VOTERS LOVE TANGIBLE EVIDENCE LIKE ACTOR PUTTING ON WEIGHT OR “GOING UGLY.” EVEN EXTREME EXAMPLES OF METHOD ACTING WILL DO. OR PERHAPS MOST COSTUME DESIGN. PICK YOUR PERIOD PIECE DU JOUR! MOST SCEENWRITING. PICK MOVIE WITH MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE, IGNORING CHARACTER MOTIVATION AND STORYTELLING 101 STUFF. JUST THE STUFF AVERAGE MOVIE-GOER KNOWS THE WRITER DID. HECK, EVEN MOST PICTURE WORKS. LOOK HOW MANY FLAWLESS FILMS HAVE LOST TO THE MOST EPIC ONE (MOST OBVIOUS L.A. CONFIDENTIAL VS. TITANIC). AND TITANIC AT LEAST HAVE SOME KIND HISTORICAL RELEVANCY. THERE REASON SO MANY OTHER BEST PICTURE WINNERS NO GO ON BECOME HISTORICAL GREATS.

AND SOME DIDN'T AGE WELL 1 SECOND AFTER BEING ANNOUNCED

BUT THE BEST EXAMPLE OF “TANGIBLE DETAILS” THEORY ALWAYS THE BEST EDITING CATEGORY. EVERY YEAR IT GO TO “MOST EDITING” WHICH USUALLY SOME FILM WITH LOTS OF RAPID CUTS OR MULTIPLE STORYLINES. IT SAD REALLY. FIRST OFF, THE BEST EDITING COMPLETELY INVISIBLE. WHEN YOU NO NOTICE IT THEN IT ACTUALLY A PROBLEM UNLESS THERE SUPPOSED TO BE LITERAL THEMATIC DEDUCTION TO BE MAKE BY CUT (THINK THE BONE/SPACESHIP TRANSITION IN 2001). SO HOW HELL EVEN JUDGE EDITING? HULK THINK TOM TWYKER’S HEAVEN MIGHT BE BEST EDITED MOVIE EVER, BUT MOST PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HULK EVEN TALKING ABOUT. YOU MAY THINK TWYKER’S RUN LOLA RUN MUCH BETTER EXAMPLE BUT THAT JUST A MOVIE WHERE THE EDITING/STYLE HYPER-TANGIBLE. MEANWHILE THOSE WHO SEEN HEAVEN SAY STUFF “IT SO SLOW AND BORING!” HULK PLEAD IF YOU EVER WATCH IT, PAY ATTENTION TO THE EDITING. IT KNOW EXACTLY HOW LONG HOLD A SILENCE. GREAT STUFF.

BUT THE EDITING ANALOGY TRUE EVEN WITH MAINSTREAM STUFF. HULK MENTIONED TITANIC EARLIER AND THINK IT ONE OF JAMES CAMERON’S SECRET WEAPONS. NO, HULK NOT TALKING ABOUT LENGTH OF MOVIE, BUT STYLE WITHIN SCENES. HULK GIVE CAMERON LOT OF CRAP FOR OTHER WELL-DESERVED REASONS, BUT HULK ACTUALLY THINK HIS INDIVIDUAL SCENES EDITED WONDERFULLY. HE THE ANTI-MICHAEL BAY IN THIS ARENA. HIS CUTS VERY DELIBERATE AND PACED. HE NEVER RELY ON TWO SHOTS WHEN ONE WILL DO. HIS CINEMATOGRAPHY ALWAYS HAVE GREAT SENSE GEOGRAPHY AND HIS EDITING CONFORM TO KEEP THAT IN MIND. HE NEVER RUIN IT BY CUTTING IN CLOSE TOO MUCH. BUT WHEN PUBLIC INSTEAD WHEN TALKING ABOUT WHY CAMERON’S ACTION SCENES GOOD MOST PEOPLE REFER TO THE “WHAT” HAPPEN, NOT THE SUBTLETIES OF HOW. IF ANYTHING THE “WHAT” OF CAMERON’S ACTION OFTEN 13-YEAR-OLD-ESQUE. “AND THE MECH WARRIOR THING CAN TAKE OUT THE BAYONET LIKE A KNIFE AND FIGHT THE THING!” AND SUCH. OR A DUMB CHARACTER BEING LIKE “I GOT A GUN TOO BITCH!” THAT STUFF INSIPID. HULK ARGUE WHAT THEY SUBCONSCIOUSLY RESPONDING TO REALLY WELL-EXECUTED ACTION MISE EN SCENE.

AND TRUTH = EVEN EXPERTS HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKING IDEA WHO BEST EDITORS ARE. THERE BEEN SO MANY MOVIES SAVED IN EDITING ROOM BY PEOPLE WHO NOW JUST THANKLESS HEROES. READ PETER BISKIND’S “EASY RIDERS RAGING BULLS” WHICH FULL OF GREAT STUFF ABOUT THE EDITING DECISIONS BEHIND CLASSIC FILMS. THE MOST FAMOUS EXAMPLE WHEN MARCIA LUCAS CONVINCE GEORGE TO EDIT STAR WARS FOR PACE INSTEAD OF THE RHYTHMS OF THE ACTORS. IT CHANGE MOVIE FROM WHATEVER EVERYONE CALLED “A COMPLETE BORE” TO, WELL, ONE OF MOST ENTERTAINING MOVIES EVER. AND SHE CHANGED FUTURE OF EDITING IN PROCESS.

IMPORTANT NOTE AS TO THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS KIND OF CONVINCING POWER: GEORGE LUCAS DIVORCED HIS EDITOR/WIFE MARCIA IN 1983 AND PROMPTLY NEVER MADE ANYTHING GOOD AGAIN.

SHE LIKELY THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD HAVE STOP THIS!

FINE, HULK WILL DO THING. STAR WARS TANGENT! HULK ARGUE IT MAY BE MOST COSTLY DIVORCE IN HISTORY OF POPULAR CINEMA. IN NEARLY ACCOUNT OF WHY GEORGE LUCAS NOW SUCK IT ALL STUFF LIKE: HOW HE SURROUND SELF WITH YES MEN, HOW HE GOT OLDER/ISOLATED/OUT OF TOUCH, HOW HE REALLY NOT GOOD AT DIRECTING IN FIRST PLACE, HOW HE COME MORE INTERESTED IN THE TECH NOT THE STORY… THE ONE THING NO ONE EVER, EVER, EVER SEEM MENTION THAT HE LOST MOST IMPORTANT CREATIVE PARTNER ON PLANET. WHO ELSE COULD HAVE TOLD MOST POWERFUL/INDEPENDENT PERSON IN HOLLYWOOD, “NO.” NO ONE. AND IF ANYONE WANT CLUE AS TO WHAT KIND PRESENCE SHE HAVE SHE THE REAL INFLUENCE FOR LEIA: SMART, SASSY, DEFIANT, FUN. THIS EXAMPLE OF ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE ANNOYING TANGIBLE DETAIL THINGS. ONLY IT NOT SUBCONSCIOUS TONE THING, BUT JUST RESEARCH BASED (AND GUESS HOW LITTLE RESEARCH GO ON BEFORE AN OPINION SHOUTED THESE DAYS). SO UNLESS READ UP ON HISTORY OF HER INVOLVEMENT OR UNDERSTAND A LOT ABOUT HOW CRUCIAL EDITING TO PROCESS TO THE FILMS THEN AVG. JOE STAR WARS FAN JUST WOULDN’T KNOW (AND NO HULK NOT GOING GET INTO SPECIFICS OF DIVORCE WHICH GEORGE TEND USE PAINT MARCIA IN BAD LIGHT, BUT IT MORE GRAY AREA THAN THAT). HULK ARGUE MOST STAR WARS NERDS KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MARCIA LUCAS AND SHE PROBABLY ONE OF 3 MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE INVOLVED WITH CREATING WHAT WE KNOW TO BE STAR WARS. HULK IMAGINE EVEN LOT OF FILM NERDS DISMISS HER EDITING ACUMEN AND THINK SHE JUST “THAT LADY GEORGE LET HELP.” HULK CALL BULLSHIT. IT IDEA FOSTERED BECAUSE SHE RETIRED FROM FILM AFTER THE DIVORCE SO IT JUST SEEM LIKE THAT. BUT BY ALL ACCOUNT SHE REALLY TALENTED. NOT JUST FROM STAR WARS ORIGINAL TRILOGY EDITING EITHER. HOW ABOUT HER INVOLVEMENT WITH SCORSESE CLASSICS ALICE DOESN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE AND FUCKING TAXI DRIVER? STARTING TO GET PICTURE NOW? END TANGENT!

OKAY. FORGET MOVIES. HOW BOUT THE MOST POPULAR FORM OF SOCIAL INTERACTION ON PLANET?

SPORTS!

YA HEAR THAT MOVIE NERDS? SPORTS!

FORTUNATELY, SPORTS HAVE STATISTICS WHICH HELP ILLUSTRATE CRITICAL ARGUMENTS, BUT MOST FANS NOT TAKE TIME DELVE INTO ACTUAL METRICS TO UNDERSTAND THE SUBTLETIES. THEY SIMPLY WATCH AND THINK “HE GOOD” OR “HE SUCKS” BASED ON OBVIOUS, TANGIBLE DETAILS. THAT WHY “BIG GAME” MOMENTS SO VALUABLE TO PLAYER’S ESTIMATED WORTH. IT JUST BECAUSE THEY THE MOMENTS WHERE THE MOST EYEBALLS SEEING WHAT REALLY JUST SMALL BITS EVIDENCE IN METRIC TERMS. BUT THOSE MOMENTS MAKE THINGS MEMORABLE AND SHAPE CONCLUSION, RATHER THAN THE 98% OF OTHER EVIDENCE WHICH MAY BE CONTRARY. MOST OBVIOUS AND WIDELY USED EXAMPLE = JETER’S “GUTSY” PLAY AT SHORTSTOP; AN OPINION BASED ON FEW AMAZING PLAYS IN BIG GAMES. BUT ALL ADVANCED SABREMETRICS SHOW HIS RANGE ACTUALLY TERRIBLE. STILL, THE PUBLIC REVERT TO THE TANGIBLE DETAILS.

NO WORRY, HULK WONT GO ON WITH SPORTS TALK EVEN THOUGH THERE THOUSANDS GREAT EXAMPLES (HULK ADORE SPORTS METRICS). THE POINT =  NO MATTER WHAT ARENA OF CRITICISM THE MORE KNOWLEDGE, EXPERIENCE, SENSE OF HISTORY YOU HAVE THE BETTER YOU BE AT ACTUAL DIAGNOSIS AND EVALUATION.(1) WE ALL KNOW THIS TRUE OF CONCRETE + TANGIBLE THINGS LIKE BEING CAR MECHANIC OR DOCTOR. BUT FOR SOME REASON, WITH INTANGIBLE THINGS LIKE ART OR MOVIES AND OTHER THINGS IN SOCIAL EXPERIENCE, THE PUBLIC FORGET THIS OR EVEN OUTRIGHT DESPISE THE “EXPERTS.”

WHY?

SERIOUSLY, LET’S DO THIS. WHY DO SO MANY PUBLIC MOVIE GOERS RESENT CRITICS? WHY THEY THINK THEY “OUT OF TOUCH?” CRITICS SEE HUNDREDS MOVIES A YEAR. THEY MORE “IN TOUCH” WITH WHAT HAPPENING IN MOVIES THAN ANYONE ELSE ON PLANET. THEY SEE EVERYTHING! HULK NOT TRYING PRETEND THEY PERFECT HUMAN BEINGS. OF COURSE SOME CRITICS CAN BE PATRONIZING ASSHOLES. BUT THAT NOT HAVE ANYTHING DO WITH WHAT THEY ACTUALLY SAYING ABOUT MOVIE AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, BEING AN ASSHOLE NEVER THEIR MOTIVATION FOR WRITING SOMETHING ONE WAY OR OTHER. IT ONLY AFFECT STYLE. MEANING THE PROBLEM NOT ACTUALLY THEIR CRITICISM. WE ALL ADMIT ARMOND WHITE = RAGING ASSHOLE AND SEEMINGLY BACKWARD IN EVERY ESTIMATION, BUT WHEN LOOK CLOSE THE MAN HAVE METHOD TO HIS MADNESS.

HULK NOT JOKING

THAT WEIRD CONSUMERISM/INVERSE PRODUCTION VALUE TAKE = ACTUALLY HOW HE THINK. HE LOVE BRINGING IN RACIAL/SOCIO-ECONOMICAL NON-SEQUITUR INTO EQUATION. ABSURDISH? SURE. BUT IT NOT LIKE HE UNEDUCATED, HE SEEN EVERY FILM IMAGINABLE. AGAIN, IT JUST MEAN OUR PROBLEM NOT HIS CRITICISM, OR EVEN THAT HE TANGENTIAL WITH ARGUMENTS. IT JUST CAUSE HE AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT. STILL, SO MANY PEOPLE CONFUSE THE TWO. THE BIGGEST ARGUMENT LOBBED AT CRITIC DISSENTERS THAT THEY JUST CONTRARIANS, OR HAVE AGENDA, OR JUST LIKE PISSING PEOPLE OF.

DOES ARMOND WHITE LIKE PISSING PEOPLE OF? YUP.

BUT HULK NO THINK THAT THE REASON HE GO ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ON MOVIE. IN FACT, HULK NEVER MET NOR READ A CRITIC WHO WRITE A PIECE ONE WAY OR OTHER FOR SOLE PURPOSE OF JUST TRYING GET RISE OUT OF PEOPLE. NOT FUCKING ONE. THERE CRITICS WHO MORE ANTAGONISTIC THAN OTHERS, BUT ANTAGONISM NEVER THE REASON FOR THAT OPINION IN FIRST PLACE. TRUST HULK. TO SIT DOWN AND ACTUALLY WRITE REVIEW THAT NOT ACTUALLY WHAT THINK… IT JUST IMPOSSIBLE. YET THE BELIEF THAT DISSENTING CRITICS NOTHING MORE THAN AGITATORS SO INCREDIBLY COMMON. HULK NO GET!

AND WHY EVEN GET ANGRY WITH CRITICS FOR DISSENTING OPINION?

IS IT CAUSE NO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY SAYING? NOT GET THE REFERENCE POINTS? CAN NO IMAGINE HOW SOMEONE ACTUALLY THINK LIKE THAT? HULK WANT KNOW WHY THAT AUTOMATICALLY MAKE THEM WORTHLESS? TO TURN TABLES WITH FAMILIAR ANECDOTE, HULK SOMETIMES RESENT CAR MECHANICS (LOWER-CASE-R-RESENT. NOT SERIOUSLY) CAUSE HULK NOT GET LANGUAGE OF CARS AND WHAT THEY EXPLAINING TO HULK. HULK FEEL LOST. BUT HULK NO THINK THE MECHANIC USELESS AND “OUT OF TOUCH” WITH CARS, DO HULK? NOT AT ALL. HULK CAN NO GET ANGRY AND ASSUME THEY IDIOT THEY NOT KNOW ANYTHING. THEY AUTOMATICALLY KNOW MORE THAN HULK (AND GETTING “TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF” ANOTHER SITUATION BASED ON ECONOMICS. THIS PURELY CONVERSATION ABOUT KNOW-HOW SO THAT NO RELATED). SO WHY WE DO SAME WITH PROFESSIONAL EVALUATORS OF ART?

YOU ASSHOLE. YOU JUST HAVE AGENDA AGAINST AMERICAN-MADE CARBURETORS! ... HULK NOT EVEN KNOW IF THAT MAKE SENSE AS JOKE

ULTIMATELY, HULK REALLY ONLY FEEL TRULY QUALIFIED TALK ABOUT 7-8 TOPICS WITH ANY SORT OF CONFIDENCE. SAID TOPICS IN ORDER = MOVIES/MEDIA/LIT, COOKING, THE EDUCATION SYSTEM, BASKETBALL, HISTORY, SOCIOLOGY, OCEANOGRAPHY (HULK HAD ENCOMPASSING EDUCATIONAL PATH, OKAY? DEAL WITH IT), AND ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGY. NOW THERE STILL TONS OTHER SUBJECTS HULK INTERESTED IN, BUT ANYTHING OUTSIDE THOSE  7-8 AND HULK SORT OF TALKING OUT HULK BUTT. EVEN 7-8 SEEM LIKE LOT. AND OF THOSE HULK OFTEN GET IN MOST TROUBLE WITH PSYCHOLOGY (HENCE THE “ARMCHAIR” ACKNOWLEDGMENT). THERE MANY TIMES HULK SAY SOMETHING HULK THINK TRUE OF PSYCHOLOGY AND THEN ACTUALLY QUALIFIED PERSON SAY “UH, ACTUALLY HULK, NO SMASH ME, BUT IT REALLY LIKE THIS.” AND THEN HULK EMBARRASSED AND STUFF AND SMASH SELF OUT OF SHAME.

HULK SUSPECT THE PROBLEM THAT EVERYONE SEE MOVIES. IT BIG SOCIAL COMMUNITY THING AND IMPORTANT ONE AT THAT. MEANWHILE, NOT EVERYONE SITTING AROUND TALKING ABOUT TRENDS IN OCEANOGRAPHY.(2) MEANWHILE ” EVERYONE” SAW AVATAR. PERHAPS IN MORE PROBLEMATIC FASHION, THEY GET SEE EXACT SAME MOVIE YOU DO. THIS MEAN FILM CRITICISM MORE DEPENDENT ON WHAT OTHER FILMS SEEN AND PROCESSED BEFORE IT AND HOW FAMILIAR CRITIC WITH FILMMAKERS. WHICH JUST MEAN ANY INTANGIBLE DETAILS IN MOVIE SEEM EVEN MORE IRRELEVANT TO CASUAL OUTSIDER. BUT OF COURSE SEEING TONS MOVIES = CRITICAL. IT ALLOW CONSTRUCT PERSPECTIVE. A SENSE OF FILMIC TRENDS. NARRATIVE. UNDERSTANDING. ALL THAT GOOD STUFF.

BUT EVEN IF THE “EXPERTS” = THE QUALIFIED ONES, EVERYONE STILL HAVE RIGHT THEIR OPINION ON MOVIES. IT ULTIMATELY JUST A CONVERSATION AFTER ALL. IT NOT LIKE OTHER ARENAS WITH TANGIBLE LIFE/DEATH THINGS WHERE ONLY QUALIFIED PEOPLE ALLOWED PARTICIPATE. YOU CAN NO PRACTICE ARMCHAIR HEART SURGERY. YOU CAN NO “SORT OF” BE DOCTOR…

THOUGH HULK KNOW A GUY

HONESTLY, HULK FEEL LIKE HULK JUST NOW STARTING GET COMFORTABLE WITH FILM CRITICISM. IT TOOK DECADES REALLY. IT HARD LEARN HOW DIGEST WHAT OFTEN EMOTIONAL REACTIONS. BUT EVEN CONCEPTUALLY, MANY YOUNG PEOPLE THINK JUST CAUSE STUDYING IT THAT MEAN THEY AT HEIGHT OF UNDERSTANDING. HULK WARNING ALL FILM STUDENTS OUT THERE. SORRY, IT TAKE LOT LONGER. TRUST HULK, WHO OFTEN LOOK BACK AT COLLEGE PAPERS AND GROAN. BUT EVERY YEAR HULK GET SHARPER IN ABILITY TO EXPLAIN IDEAS, THE VISCERAL REACTIONS, AND THE SUBCONSCIOUS FEELINGS THAT MOVIES ALWAYS ELICIT. THE EDUCATION NEVER STOP.

SO TAKE IT FROM HULK. WHEN DEALING WITH EVERYTHING OUTSIDE THOSE 7-8 TOPICS HULK KNOW ABOUT (OR WHATEVER CASE FOR YOU), IT AMAZING WHAT GOODWILL COME BY SIMPLY STARTING STATEMENT WITH “MAYBE HULK JUST TALKING OUT BUTT HERE, BUT [INSERT OPINION HERE]”

IN THE MEANTIME, SAME ADVICE ALWAYS:

SEE MORE MOVIES.

HAWKEYE CONVINCE HULK WATCH ROBIN HOOD... AGAIN

ENDNOTES:

(1) AND YES, THERE ALWAYS SOME ADDED AMOUNT POLITICAL OR PERSONAL MOTIVATION MIXED UP IN THIS. THEY EVEN MAY PROMOTE AGENDA (BUT THAT RARER THEN MOST THINK. UNLESS IT ACTUAL POLITICS IN WHICH CASE JUST GIVE UP). BUT HULK THINK THAT THE FOUNDATION. FOR EXAMPLE, IF SOMEONE DEVOTED CHRISTIAN WATCHING MOVIE THEN THINGS THAT BECOME MOST OBVIOUS TANGIBLE DETAILS TO THEM = THE THINGS THAT DEAL WITH OR FLY IN FACE OF THEIR BELIEFS. AND THAT WHY THEY RESPOND TO THEM. IT THE MOST OBVIOUS EXAMPLES OF WHAT “WRONG” WITH THE MOVIE, EVEN IF IT NOT THE LANGUAGE OF MOVIES BUT INSTEAD PERSONAL THEOLOGICAL LANGUAGE.

(2) THIS THE CHIEF PROBLEM WITH POLITICS. POLITICS OFTEN CONCERN SO MANY THINGS THAT SUPER-INTERESTING BUT ACTUALLY HAVE NOTHING DO WITH POLITICS. THEY SEPARATE ARENAS THAT REQUIRE EXPERTISE. BUT BECAUSE SO MUCH AT STAKE IN POLITICS (READ: POWER), EVERYTHING BECOME POLITICIZED IN EFFORT “SIMPLIFY” FOR MASSES. BUT INSTEAD STRIVE FOR CLARITY, THEY GO FOR SIMPLICITY AND THOSE PESKY SUPER-OBVIOUS TANGIBLE DETAILS. LIKE WITH GLOBAL WARMING EVERY COLLOQUIAL CONVERSATION SEEM RELY ON SINGULAR EXAMPLES AS “PROOF” ONE WAY OR OTHER. WHILE EXAMPLES MAY BE “TRUE” IN + OF THEMSELVES, THEY NOT INCLUDE THE COMPLICATED-YET-STILL-COMPLETELY-FIGURED-OUT SYSTEMIC REALITY OF HOW WEATHER ACTUALLY WORK. IT ASININE… AND HULK WOULD SAY “HULK NOT WANT GET POLITICAL FOR FOLLOWING” BUT SCREW IT CAUSE THE FOLLOWING ACTUALLY NOT POLITICAL STATEMENT WHATSOEVER. WHEN TREATED IN PROPER TERMS OF SYSTEMIC SCIENTIFIC EVALUATION, GLOBAL WARMING = SCIENTIFICALLY UNDENIABLE. ABSOLUTELY EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF “EVIDENCE” TO CONTRARY = PURE JUNK SCIENCE. THEY WILL SHOW SINGULAR EXAMPLE OF HOW WARMING TREND NOT HAPPENING IN SPECIFIC SPOT AS “PROOF,” BUT IF LOOKED AT FURTHER EVEN IN MOST CASUAL WAY THEY THEN REALIZE THAT THIS NON-WARMING TREND OCCURRING BECAUSE OF GEOGRAPHICALLY ADJACENT SPIKE IN WARMING TREND. FOR EXAMPLE AN OCEAN TEMPERATURE COOLING IN THIS LITTLE PART OF SEA NOT BECAUSE GLOBAL WARMING A HOAX, BUT BECAUSE THE WARMING TEMPERATURE MELTING THE GLACIER RIGHT NEXT TO IT AND SPILLING COLD WATER INTO THIS LITTLE PART OF SEA. AND IT NOT “EVENING THINGS OUT” BUT CAUSING MASSIVE DEVASTATION TO BOTH THE WARMING LAND AND THE COOLING SEA. AND THEN BOTH REACTIONS JUST MAKE THE CYCLE GROW STRONGER. IT OMISSION OF RELEVANT INFORMATION AND ANY SCIENTIST WORTH DAMN IGNORE IT.*

*HULK REALIZE THIS CRAZY TANGENT BUT IT JUST SO DAMN PERTINENT AND HULK SICK TO DEATH OF HEARING THAT THIS A “SCIENTIFIC DEBATE.” NOPE. IT A MANUFACTURED ONE. DON’T BELIEVE HULK? HULK WAS APPROACHED 30 TIMES BY VARIOUS SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS MASKING OIL COMPANIES AND OFFERED CASH TO WRITE ANTI-GLOBAL WARMING PAPERS… STRAIGHT CASH… 30 FUCKING TIMES… AS COLLEGE STUDENT. GO WORK THAT ONE OUT FOR SELVES. THE POLITICIZATION OF A SCIENTIFIC ISSUE = JOKE.

HULK NEVER SEEN TRANSFORMERS 2 BEFORE. HULK ALWAYS SWEAR HULK NEVER SEE IT.

IT SHOWING UP ON HBO LOT NOW, SO FOR SOME REASON HULK DECIDE TO SEE AND TWEET ABOUT IT AFTER MUCH TWITTER FOLLOWER SUPPORT OF IDEA.

THIS MEANT BE DONE IN TWITTER FORM. BUT HULK HAD 13 PAGE OF NOTES AND HUNDREDS OF ENTRIES. IT WOULD CLOG TWITTER UP + BE ANNOYING TO FOLLOWERS. SO HULK THINK THIS BETTER FORMAT.

AND SO BEGINS HULKS RUNNING DIARY OF TRANSFORMERS 2:

And go!

:00 MINUTES – MOVIE START

:01  MINUTES – “HUMANS CAPABLE OF GREAT COMPASSION” [MATCH TO SHOT OF AFRICAN TRIBESMAN W/ SPEARS]

:01 – NEVERMIND. BAY ONLY INTERESTED IN ‘GREAT VIOLENCE” PART OF THAT YIN-YANG

:02 – OH IT 10,000 BC TRANSFORMERS EDITION. HOW SAD FOR AUDIENCE.

:02 – WAIT… WHY ANCIENT 10,000 BC TRANSFORMERS SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH?

:02 – WHY AN AUTOBOT SAY “SUCK MY POPSICLE?” WHEN DID AUTOBOTS BECOME ADOLESCENT DICKS?

:02 – MICHAEL BAYESQUE MILITARY SOLDIER COMPLAINT #1

:03 – WAIT, TRANSFORMERS CAN SMELL?

:05 – OH GOD. ICE CREAM TRUCK = THE INFAMOUS TWINS…HULK HAVE BAAAAD FEELING ABOUT THIS

:06 – WHY THAT ONE TRANSFORMER ICE SKATING?

:06 – WHICH ONES ARE BAD AND WHICH ONES ARE GOOD? HULK SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER? THERE NO PRIME YET.

:06 – SO FAR THIS JUST A BUNCH OF STUFF HAPPENING ON SCREEN

:07 – HULK PRETTY SURE THIS UBER-PUBLIC BRAWL IN SHANGHAI WOULD EXPOSE TRANSFORMER EXISTENCE

:07 – “PUNK ASS DECEPTICON”… IF TRANSFORMERS COPY HOW WE TALK WHY THEY DECIDE TO TALK LIKE 7TH GRADE IDIOTS?

:07 – POINT BEING, NO RESPECTABLE COOL PERSON ACTUALLY SAY “PUNK ASS” … TRANSFORMERS CAN DO BETTER

:07 – THEN AGAIN, MICHAEL BAY STILL USES 1991 HIP HOP VIDEOS AS REFERENCE POINT OF COOL

:07 – WAIT, HAS OPTIMUS PRIME BECOME DIRTY HARRY SINCE LAST FILM? HE JUST EXECUTED SOME DECEPTICON… LIKE EXECUTION STYLE.

:08: – OH GREAT. THE PARENTS ARE BACK. THIS WILL BE FUNCTIONAL TO PLOT + THEMATICS, HULK SURE.

:09 – MEGAN FOX’S BUTT JUST GOT RE-INTRODUCED BEFORE MEGAN FOX.

Butt first...

:09 – … POOR MEGAN FOX

:11 – WHY CUBE SHARD JUST MELT THROUGH FLOORS LIKE “ALIEN” BLOOD?

:11 – THIS KITCHEN APPLIANCE TRANSFORMER ATTACK APPEAR BE MOST SUPERFLUOUS SCENE IN FILM HISTORY

:13 – DIDN’T BUMBLEBEE GET TALK AT END OF LAST MOVIE?

:13 – OH THANKS MICHAEL BAY. HULK NEEDED TERRIBLE THROWAWAY LINE OF DIALOGUE TO EXPLAIN THAT POINTLESS DECISION.

:16 – SPINNING CAMERA + NONSENSE RELATIONSHIP LOVE TALK = HULK LOSING STEAM

:17 – WHY SOUNDWAVE A SATELLITE WHO SOUND LIKE DR. CLAW?

:17 – OK. TINY BIT RESEARCH SHOW THEY ACTUALLY SAME VOICE. THE GREAT FRANK WELKER. SO SUE HULK.

:17 –  BUT SERIOUSLY, SOUNDWAVE, THE MOST ENDEARINGLY DUMB TRANSFORMER HAS TO BE TURNED LOGICAL “CAUSE AN 80’S BOOMBOX NO MAKE SENSE”? WHAT MOVIE DO MICHAEL BAY THINK HE MAKING!?!?

:17 – PUT THIS WAY: A HILARIOUS GIANT BOOMBOX MUCH LESS STUPID THAN SUDDENLY INCLUDING A RACIST ICE CREAM TRUCK.

:17 – GUESS WHICH ONE HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE?

:18 – AND ON CUE… THEY APPEAR AGAIN

:19 – WHY ALL THE AUTOBOTS JUST LINED UP IN HANGAR? DO THEY, LIKE, SLEEP IN CAR FORM?

:19 – THEY SHOULD BE PLAYING CARDS OR SOMETHING. BEING A TRANSFORMER MUST BE BORING.

:20 – DUMB TYRESE LINE: “GOD MADE US IN HIS IMAGE. WHAT MADE [OPTIMUS PRIME]?” ANSWER: MICHAEL FUCKING BAY

THE CREATOR ALMIGHTY

:21 – WHAT? A COMPLAINT ABOUT PANSY LIBERAL PRESIDENT? IN A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE?!

:23 – WASHINGTON HACK: “OK, LET’S GO OVER THIS HIGHLY DETAILED AND UBER-SPECIFIC INFORMATION EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM ALREADY KNOWS (EVEN THOUGH I’M AN OUTSIDER) NOW THAT AS OF SERIOUSLY 30 SECONDS AGO WE STARTED BEING MONITORED BY THE GIANT SPACE BOOMBOX.” … GIVE HULK BREAK.

:27 – COLLEGE ROOMATE: “I READ YOUR FILE. I’M POOR. YOU’RE POOR” OKAY…. GET READY FOR HULK SMASH RAMPAGE:

:27 – MICHAEL BAY/HOLLYWOOD’S DEFINITION OF “POOR” = MORE INSULTING THAN SKIDZ AND MUDFLAP. THEY SEE SAM’S HUGE FREAKING HOUSE? HIS HUGE FREAKING HOUSE IN LOS ANGELES!?!??!??!?! AND THAT OTHER KID HAVE ENOUGH ELECTRONICS AND FRAMED POSTERS TO DEFINITELY NOT BE POOR. THIS ABSURD AND HULK’S LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE CONVENTION. HULK SMASH THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

:27 – SERIOUSLY…

:28 – AND NOW THE MOM EATING POT BROWNIES… THIS SHOULD MAKE SENSE.

:28 – SO ROOMMATE HACKED UNIVERSITY AND PUT ALL HOT GIRLS IN THEIR DORM? THIS SHOULD BE OWN MOVIE. THIS BAD SEX COMEDY FROM 1998.

AND IT SHALL BE CALLED "BONER DORM!"

:28 – “HE RECENTLY POPPED HIS CHERRY. I WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM AND HEARD THE WHOLE THING.”… THE MOMENT WHEN DIGNITY DIED.

:28 – OKAY, YEAH HULK LAUGHED FOR 1 SECOND AT THAT. “CRITIC HAS BE HONEST WHEN MAKES LAUGH” – EBERT?

:29 – AND NOW THERE SABERTOOTH TIGER DECEPTICON… SURE

:29  – THAT VOMIT LITTLE BRASS BALLS… THAT ARE ALSO TRANSFORMERS… SURE

:30 – OBLIGATORY TERMINATOR 2 MUSIC CUE WHEN BRASS BALL TRANSFORMERS MELD TOGETHER INTO THIN GLASS LIKE TRANSFORMER… [SHRUGS] SURE

:32 – WHY THERE NO AUTOBOT GUARD WITH ALL SPARK SHARD AT ALL TIMES? THEY JUST SITTING THERE AS CARS RIGHT NOW.

:37 – WHY SAM NOT TELL OPTIMUS HE HAVE ANOTHER SHARD? OPTIMUS MAKE IT CLEAR THEY NEED ONE.

:37 – SAM WITWICKY: TOTAL DICK

:38 – WAIT MEGATRON WASN’T KILLED? HULK PRETTY SURE HE KILLED IN LAST ONE.

:38 – WAIT, WHERE THOSE 4 OTHER DECIPTICONS COME FROM? THERE JUST TIGER ONE BEFORE… WUHT?

:39 – OKAY MEGATRON JUST FLY TO CYBERTRON, WHICH MULTIPLE LIGHT YEARS AWAY, IN LIKE 2 EARTH MINUTES…

:39 – THERE PROBLEM WITH PHYSICS THERE HULK SURE.

:39 – YES. HULK NITPICKING. BUT IF MOVIE THIS DUMB GOING SPEND MOST OF IT TIME THINKING UP OVERTLY-COMPLICATED EXPLANATIONS FOR HALF THE NONSENSE THAT HULK NOT GIVE SHIT ABOUT ANYWAY, HULK RESERVE RIGHT, NAY! THE HONOR OF CALLING OUT THE OTHER HALF OF NONSENSICAL BULLSHIT.

:39 – SERIOUSLY? WHY BOTHER HALF-ASSING!? WHOLE-ASS IT! GO CRANK 2 ON US. IT BETTER FOR EVERYONE.

:41 -WHY TRANSFORMERS BORN IN SAC’S OF FLUID? THE TRANSFORMERS MYTHOLOGY ONE OF MOST CONFUSING THINGS ON PLANET AND HULK TRIED FIGURE OUT “PRIMER.”

:41 – ACTUALLY PRIMER CAN BE FIGURED OUT SORTA AND IT BRILLIANT

:42 – OH HEY. IT RAINN WILSON… TENURED IVY LEAGUE PROFESSOR?!

:43 – SAM’S ALL SPARK SEIZURES = TOO MUCH LIKE SAM’S O-FACE.

:46 – TINY/HORNY TRANSFORMER TO MEGAN FOX “YOU’RE HOT BUT YOU AIN’T TOO BRIGHT.” JESUS CHRIST MICHAEL BAY

:47 – NOTE TO HULK: TINY TRANSFORMER GET THROUGH CHECKED LUGGAGE SCANNER JUST FINE. NO WORRIES.

:50 – WHY SKINNY WEIRD SUPPOSEDLY “HOT” GIRL HAVE TRANSFORMER TAIL?!?!

:50 – … OH

:51 – … SERIOUSLY?

:52 – … SERIOUSLY!?! SO TRANSFORMERS CAN HAVE, LIKE, HUMAN SKIN? THIS WHOLE TIME?

:53 – … CAUSE THERE MANY TIME THAT NOT TOTALLY BE ADVANTAGEOUS OR ANYTHING.

:53 – JESUS.

:54 – OKAY SHIA/MEGAN’S LIBRARY BANTER AT LEAST RESEMBLE CINEMATIC DIALOGUE IN ROUGHEST SENSE #HOORAYFORAUDIENCE

:56 – AND NOW A TRANSFORMER SLUG TAKEN FROM MATRIX JUST POOPED IN SHIA’S MOUTH

:59 – WAIT, HOW THEY IN FOREST NOW?

1:00 – ONLY ONE HOUR DOWN!??! GOOD GOD.

1:00 – OPTIMUS JUST RIP DECPTICON’S FACE IN HALF… KIDS MOVIE!

DON'T EVEN LOOK AT HIM COCKEYED. HE CRAZY.

1:00 – HULK TAKE MOMENT TALK ABOUT THE “RATED-R”-IFICATION OF CHILDREN’S PROPERTY. LOOK. HULK ONCE LITTLE HULK TOO. HULK LIKED TRANSFORMERS A LOT. HULK HAD TONS OF THEM. GOING BACK NOW HULK RECOGNIZE FUN AND SILLINESS OF THESE TOYS. HULK LIKE AND HAVE FONDNESS FOR THEM. BUT IN NO PART OF HULK’S HEART, DOES HULK NEED TRANSFORMERS BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY BY PUBLIC AT LARGE. IT WAS TERRIBLE CARTOON LITERALLY DESIGNED TO SELL TOYS. WE NOT NEED HAVE OPTIMUS PRIME RIP SOMEONE’S FACE APART TO JUSTIFY OUR CHILDHOOD INTERESTS AND HAVE FIT WITH MORE CURRENT + ADULT SENSIBILITIES OF TASTE, EVEN IF WE STILL HAVE MILD INTEREST/GENUINE AFFINITY IN CHILDHOOD PRODUCT. IT NOT ONLY BAD FOR OUR DEVELOPMENT, IT ACTUALLY DISLOYAL TO ESSENCE OF OUR 8 YEAR OLDS SELVES AND CERTAINLY DETRIMENTAL TO 8 YEAR OLDS OUT THERE NOW. OPTIMUS NOT NEED WASTE MOTHERFUCKERS. END HULK RANT.

1:00 – SO OPTIMUS IS NOW DEAD. #KARMA

1:03 – “NO MORE DISGUISES!” SAID MEGATRON, STANDING AT TOP OF GIANT SKYSCRAPER IN DAY TIME, AND WHO HAS DONE SO OFTEN

1:03 – AND THE PARENTS ARE BACK. BAY SHOULD JUST GONE FULL BALLS AND HAVE MOVIE FROM THEIR POINT VIEW.

1:03 – ACTUALLY THE MOM (THE GREAT ACTRESS JULIE WHITE) SEEM BE ONLY ONE KNOW WHAT MOVIE SHE IN.

1:04 – MAN, DECIPTONS HATE AMERICAN FLAGS!

TERRORIST!

1:04 – FOR RECORD, ESCARGOT DELCIOUS

1:05 – IT BEEN HAPPENING WHOLE MOVIE, BUT MICHAEL BAY JUST LOVE PUTTING POINTLESS MILTARY TERM INFO AND LOCATION IN BOTTOM LEFT OF SCREEN. IT LITERALLY CONVEY NOTHING IMPORTANT. YET IT CONSTANT.

1:05 – WAIT, IT THE GUISE OF PLOT ORGANIZATION!

1:06 – HULK HAVE NO UNDERSTANDING HOW THERE STILL HOUR + HALF LEFT OF MOVIE

1:07 – OBAMA WITHHELD TRUTH FROM YOU!!! OBAMA WITHHELD TRUTH FROM YOU!!!

1:07 – GET OBAMA TO A HIDDEN BUNKER! THAT PUSSY!

1:07 – MICHAEL BAY’S MILITARY HARD-ON AND ANTI-LIBERAL STUFF KINDA AMAZING. IT SO PRESENT YET ILL-DEFINED. HULK SO CURIOUS WHERE IT COME FROM. HE MILITARY FAMILY? HULK KNOW HE NEVER SERVED…

1:07 – HULK LAUGH. HULK DO LITTLE RESEARCH. OF COURSE BAY WENT TO CROSSROADS IN L.A. (HIPPY DIPPY NO GRADES TYPE SCHOOL) AND OF COURSE HE GO WESLEYAN (THE MOST HIPPY DIPPY COLLEGE IN COUNTRY). OF COURSE HE ADOPTED KID OF CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST. IT MAKE SO MUCH SENSE NOW. THIS NOT THE DECENT CONSERVATISM OF RATIONAL, GROUNDED AMERICAN BASED ON EXPERIENCE (AND ANY POLITICS IS FINE IS TO HULK IF BUILT ON DECENCY). BUT NO. THIS KNEE-JERK  REACTION TO BEING SUBJECTED TO MOST LIBERAL AMERICAN ENVIRONMENTS POSSIBLE. THIS INNER DESIRE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUS + BADASS EVEN THOUGH BAY’S ENTIRE LIFE ABOUT AS NON-MILITARY FOCUSED OR NON-CONSERVATIVE AS IT GET. THIS IS I’M-A-TOUGH-GUY-PLAY-TIME.

1:07 – IT MAKE SO MUCH SENSE NOW.

1:08 – FOR THAT COMMENTARY HULK CURRENTLY BEING SUBJECTED TO FULL RAVAGE OF SKIDZ +MUDFLAP. THANKS KARMA.

1:10 – “NOW THAT THAT DECEPTIONS HAVE ATTACKED HUMANS LIKE YOU WARNED US, THE PRESIDENT IS DOING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE AGREED TO AND WHAT IS LOGICAL FOR NO APPARENT REASON” – OBAMA’S WHITE HOUSE GUY. AGAIN BAY POLITICS AT WORK.

1:10 – “DIPLOMATIC SOLUTION” MORE LIBERAL PUSSYTALK! HOORAY!

1:10 – FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY. HULK GOING TO SMASH YOUR ASS.

1:11 – WHY THERE AN AUSSIE GUY IN THE US ARMY?

1:12 – WHY MEGAN FOX’S LIPS ALWAYS CRAZY RED?

1:13 – SKIDZ OR MUDFLAP: “WE DON’T DO MUCH READING.” [FACEPALM]

1:14 – OH GOD JOHN TURTURRO YOU’RE RETURNED TO THIS? REMEMBER WHEN THE COEN BROS USE TO CAST YOU IN THEIR MOVIES?

1:16 – AT LEAST TURTURRO ALSO SEEM TO KNOW WHAT MOVIE HE IN

1:19 – WAIT, WHY TURTURRO IN A THONG? “I WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK”…

1:19 – TRANSFORMERS 2: WHATEVER THE FUCK

1:20 – HULK NEED ANOTHER DRINK

1:20 – … OH YEAH HULK STARTED DRINKING AROUND WHEN THAT GIRL TURN INTO ROBOT FOR SOME REASON

1:23 – HOW IS THE DC AIR + SPACE MUSEUM NOW NEXT TO GIANT AIRFIELD IN THE PLAINS? DID THAT JUST HAPPEN!?

1:24 – AND A ROBOT IS HUMPING MEGAN FOX’S LEG. THIS IS DEFINITELY HAPPENING. TIME TO DRINK!

1:24 – INCONTINENT OLD-TIMER TRANSFORMER NAMED JETFIRE JUST FARTED A PARACHUTES. IF THE MOVIE NOTHING BUT MOMENTS LIKE THIS IT COULD BE THE ROBOT VERSION OF HAUSU

GET HIM SOME DEPENDS

1:26 – SO TRANSFORMERS CAN TELEPORT?! HULK PRETTY SURE THIS INFRINGE ON NIGHTCRAWLERS BAMPF! COPYRIGHT

1:27 – “LET’S NOT GET EPISODIC. FACTS. PLOT. TELL IT!” – JOHN TURTURRO… IN TRANSFORMERS 2

1: 27 – LET NO TAKE THIS LIGHTLY. THIS MOST INCREDIBLE LINE IN MOVIE. HULK THINK MICHAEL BAY JUST INCLUDED (RATHER ASTUTE) STUDIO NOTE RIGHT INTO SCRIPT AT THIS POINT.  CAUSE HE CERTAINLY IGNORE FOR PREVIOUS HOUR + HALF. (AND CERTAINLY IGNORES AFTER THIS EXPLANATION SEQUECE)… JUST AMAZING THAT IT’S EVEN THERE.

1:27 – HULK MEAN SERIOUSLY! THIS MOVIE TAKE 1 HOUR 27 MINUTE TO GET TO THE FREAKIN’ MCGUFFIN!

1:28 – SO IF WE’RE MEANT TO ASSUME TRANSFORMERS GAVE US CULTURE LANGUAGE (W/ ANCIENT PYRAMID CONNECTION) AND THEY SPOKE ENGLISH, WHY THEY NO GIVE US ENGLISH? WHY EVERYONE SPEAK ANCIENT EGYPTIAN INSTEAD? #LINGUISTICPLOTHOLES

1:33 – HEY! IT’S KENNY POWER’S MIDGET COCK-FIGHTING PARTNER! HULK KNEW THERE REASON HULK WATCH THIS 1 YEAR LATER… OTHER THAN HAVING INFINITE NUMBER OF BETTER THINGS TO DO

1:40 – SET WHERE THEY FIND MATRIX KEY SEEM TO BE SAME EXACT SET FROM END OF “INDIANA JONES AND LAST CRUSADE”

1:40 – HULK HOPE THEY DON’T CHOOSE POORLY

1:41 – SKIDZ + MUDFLAP JUST FOUGHT EACH OTHER AND KNOCKED OUT A WALL SAVING THE DAY (ALL IN SAD ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY THEIR INCLUSION)

1:41 – WHY ARE THE TWINS IN THIS ENTIRE MOVIE? HULK WOULD HAVE HAD “ENTIRE MOVIE” IN CAPS, BUT HULK ALREADY YELL IN CAPS. SO HULK JUST EXPLAIN IT NOW.

1:41 – BUT SERIOUSLY, THIS IS JAR-JAR-EPISODE-1-LEVEL OF ANNOYING PRESENCE. IT SOMEHOW EVEN MORE RACIST.

1:42 – WHERE SHIA GET A FLASHLIGHT?

1:44 – WAIT, IT EXPLAINED THAT THE MATRIX THE KEY TO ENERGON PYRAMID THINGY, WHICH HAVE POWER GIVE LIFE, NOT THE MATRIX HAVING POWER ITSELF. SO WHY MATRIX NOW THE MAGIC PIXIE HEALING DUST? THEY JUST REVERSED WHAT EXPLAINED CAREFULLY BEFORE TO MAKE THE ACTION SCENE MAKE “SENSE”… UGH

1:46 – HULK THOUGHT THE ROOMMATE JUST TASED 1 SECOND AGO. WHY HE NOW UP?

1:49 – OH WAIT, THE MAIN MILITARY COMMANDER = LANDRY’S DAD FROM FNL! SWEET! GLENN MORSHOWER THE-CHARACTER-ACTIN’-MAN!

1:50 – SO, “NOW” THEY’RE BEGINNING THE ASSAULT? WHAT HAPPEN LAST 6 MINUTES?

1:51 – MICHAEL BAY YET TO MAKE MOVIE WITHOUT SOME 3RD ACT “GREEN SMOKE” RELEASE INITIATIVE

1:58 – OKAY FOR SERIOUS: HULK JUST NOTIFIED THAT HULK’S BEST FRIENDS JUST GOT ENGAGED. THIS CAUSE HULK REALIZE JOY OF WHAT THEY DID = THE EXACT OPPOSITE END OF HAPPINESS SPECTRUM FROM HULK DOING THIS TRANSFORMERS 2 RUNNING DIARY ALL BY HULK SELF.

1:58 – HULK GETTING ANOTHER DRINK.

1:58 – AND THE PARENTS NOW BACK (IN EGYPT SOMEHOW) THEY WON’T GO AWAY. THEY THE JAY LENO OF THIS MOVIE.

1:58 – HULK MAKING A DOUBLE.

1:58 – IS IT HULK OR IS SAM’S MOM STARTING LOOK PRETTY GOOD?

2:00 – AT TWO HOUR MARK, HULK REMEMBER BEING AT LEAST WOWED BY FEW MOMENTS OF FIGHTING IN TRANSFORMERS 1… THIS JUST TEDIOUS + NONSENSICAL. THERE NO IMPACT. IT PURELY DISTANT MACHINATIONS OCCURRING ON SCREEN.

2:00 – WHY EVERY TRANSFORMER KILL HAPPENING IN SLOW-MOTION. IT LIKE BAD VIDEO GAME.

2:00 – YEAH, FINE. GTA = AWESOME. BUT THIS MOVIE = NOT.

2:05 – GOD THIS FIGHT SCENE IS GOING ON FOR FUCKING EVER

2:08 – WHERE THE HELL MEGATRON BEEN THIS ENTIRE BATTLE?

2:08 – DID AN ANCIENT TRANSFORMER JUST SAY BRING THE PAIN? OF COURSE HE DID

2:09 – CONSTRUCTICON HAS WRECKING BALLS FOR ANATOMICALLY CORRECT SCROTUM…

2:09 – LET TAKE MOMENT SILENCE TO ACKNOLWLEDGE EVERYTHING WEIRD + PERVERSE ABOUT MICHAEL BAY

2:09 – … OK. DONE.

2:10 – ANYONE WHO LIKES THIS MOVIE MUST HATE EDITING

2:10 – ACTION SEQUENCES SHOULD HAVE RHYTHM AND CHARACTER INTEREST. THIS HAS THE RHYTHM OF LONG, SPUTTERING WET FART.

2:11 – OH HEY IT’S ACTAULLY MEGATRON SHOWING UP! (HULK THINK IT HIM AT LEAST. EVERY ROBOT LOOK SAME)

2:11 – OH HEY MEGATRON DO SOMETHING USEFUL AND KILL SAM! SEE WHAT HAPPEN IF ACTUALLY SHOW UP! GOOD THINGS!

2:12 – HULK THOUGHT BUMBLEE SUPPOSED TO GET PARENTS FAR AWAY?… NOT, LIKE, 100 FEET. NICE JOB BUMBLEBEE… ASS.

2:13 – WAIT… IS… IS THIS HAPPENING?

2:13 – HOLY SHIT IS SAM IN TRANSFORMER HEAVEN? REALLY THIS IS HAPPENING?!?!

2:13 -THE THEOLOGICAL IMPLICATIONS OF TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ARE BAFFLING:

2:13 – 1. DO HUMANS AND TRANSFORMERS GO TO HEAVEN TOGETHER? HULK IMAGINE THEY SEPARATE…

2:13 – 2. IS TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ABOVE CYBERTRON OR EARTH OR A GO BETWEEN?

2:13 – 3. IS SHIA SECRETLY A TRANSFORMER? THEY CAN BE SKINNY WOMEN APPARENTLY.

2:13 – 4. CAN GAY TRANSFORMERS GET INTO ROBOT HEAVEN?

2:13 – 5. IF NOT, THEN IT COULD BE BAD FOR THE ICE SKATING TRANSFORMER

2:13 – 6. HULK LOOKED UP ICE SKATING TRANSFORMER AND IT APPARENTLY NAMED “SIDE-SWIPE”… COULD GO EITHER WAY

2:13 – 7. HULK SURPRISED MICHAEL BAY NOT NAME HIM “LANCE” AND HAVE HIM TRANSFORM INTO CONDOM MACHINE IN WEHO

2:13 – 8. (IN CASE NOT OBVIOUS: HULK MAKING POINT ABOUT MICHAEL BAY’S WRETCHED SENSE OF HUMOR, NOT HULK’S OWN)

2:13 – 9. WAIT, WAS JAZZ IN THAT SEQUENCE IN TRANSFORMER HEAVEN? HULK NO THINK SO.

2:13 – 10. MAYBE TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ONLY FOR “PRIMES” AND THIS SOME SORT HORRIBLE RACE THING.

2:13 – 11. HULK TOLD YOU. IMPLICATIONS = STAGGERING.

2:14 – SO THE DUST TURN INTO THE MATRIX DAGGER THING AGAIN? WHERES THE 30 SECOND MONOLOGUE NONSENSICALLY EXPLAINING HOW?

2:15 – WAIT, JETFIRE STILL ALIVE?

2:15 – LET TAKE MOMENT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT OPTIMUS PRIME = REMOVED FOR 1 HOUR 15 MINUTES OF THE RUNNING TIME OF THIS MOVIE

2:15  – THE FALLEN CAN TELEPORT TOO? WHY TRANSFORMERS NO TELEPORTING ALL THE FREAKING TIME? WHY TURN INTO MACK TRUCK AND DRIVE 4 HOURS FROM VEGAS IN TRAFFIC?

2:16 – THE FALLEN IS APPARENTLY ALSO MAGNETO (MARVEL INFRINGEMENT = HULK- A-SMASHIN’)

2:18 – WHY EVERY TRANSFORMER RELATED TO OPTIMUS? HE HAVE LIKE 13 BROTHERS. MR + MRS. PRIME MUST BE BOSTON IRISH CATHOLIC. #THANKSHULKBEHEREALLWEEK

2:18 – OPTIMUS: “GIVE ME YOUR FACE” #UNINTENTIONALPORNLINE

2:18 – “I RISE! YOU FALL!” #MOREUNINTENTIONALPORNLINES

2:19 – SERIOUSLY?! THE BATTLE FINALLY OVER? THAT WAS 40 MINUTES PURE BOREDOM. AND HULK LOVE ACTION SCENES! THERE NO PACING! NO RHYTHM! NOTHING!

DOESN'T THIS LOOK WELL STORYBOARDED?

2:19 – THAT BATTLE SEQUENCE SO BAD HULK MOTIVATED MAKE LIST OF THINGS HULK COULD DONE W/ MONEY USED TO MAKE THAT SCENE:

2:19 – 1. FUND 1/3 OF L.A.’S PUBLIC SCHOOLS

2:19 – 2. BUY 15 OF M.C. HAMMER’S MANSIONS

2:19 – 3. DOWNLOAD THE ENTIRE ITUNES CATALOGUE

2:19 – 4. COMMISSION CREATION GOLD STATUE OF HULK AND PUT IN FRONT YARD

2:19 – 5. FINALLY GET ADMITTED TO THAT SNOTTY GENTLEMEN CLUB WITH REED RICHARDS + PROFESSOR X… SO SNOTTY… #GODHULKNEEDACCEPTANCE

2:19 – 6. MAKE APPROXIMATELY 48 FILMS EQUAL TO BUDGET OF THE AWESOME “WINTER’S BONE”

2:20 – PEOPLE HUGGING. THEY HAPPY THE BATTLE IS OVER TOO. BECAUSE THEY ALMOST DIED FROM REPETITION.

THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES WHEN THEY READ THE SCRIPT

2:20 – HULK KIND OF CURIOUS HOW THEY GOING WRITE OUT MEGAN FOX IN NEXT ONE… AND BY KINDA CURIOUS HULK MEAN NOT AT ALL.

2:21 – HULK HEAR LINKIN PARK ON SOUNDTRACK!?!? IT ALMOST OVER?!?! REALLY!??!

2:21 – YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2:22 – HULK LOVE HOW ALL THE LAST ACT WRAP UP ONE FIND IN NORMAL MOVIES JUST SQUEEZED INTO CREDIT SNIPPETS

2:22 – IT PROOF MICHAEL BAY JUST NOT GIVE A SHIT. THERE NOTHING LEFT TO EXPLODE.

ENDING THOUGHTS:

-WHAT A SHIT-PILE. EVERY SINGLE THING THAT WRONG WITH FIRST ONE = EXACERBATED… AND EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT FIRST ONE = REMOVED ENTIRELY

-HOW DID SPIELBERG PUT HIS NAME ON THIS?

-“SKIDZ + MUDFLAP: FROM THE DIRECTOR OF AMISTAD!”

-TO BE FAIR, HULK REMEMBER CONVERSATION WITH THE FALCON ABOUT SKIDZ + MUDFLAP AND FALCON ARGUE THAT MOST AFRICAN-AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE ABILITY TO SHRUG IT OFF AS “DUMB GANSTER STEREOTYPE” AND NOT TAKE AS PERSONAL INDICTMENT OF BLACK CULTURE AT LARGE… NOT BLACK PANTHER THOUGH. NO, THAT MAN WAS LIVID.

-HULK SWORE HULK NEVER SEE TRANSFORMERS 2. IN MOMENT OF WEAKNESS, (DIDN’T WANT TO GO OUT SEE ANOTHER MOVIE), LONLINESS (BETTY VISITING FAMILY), + DEPRESSION (THE LEADER ESCAPE AGAIN) HULK END UP DO IT… WHY? WHY!?!

-IN SOME WAYS PROCESS OF WRITING THIS = PRETTY CATHARTIC.

-BUT IN BETTER, MORE ACCURATE WAYS, HULK HAS WASTED HOURS OF HULKS LIFE.

THE HORROR

-THE MOST USED WORD ON THIS BLOG POST = “WHY”… HULK LAUGH