LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK.  HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.

THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.

THIS WOULD BE THE YOUTH-AIMED POSTER

ENTRY #5: YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

SO IN LAST COLUMN ON THUNDERBALL, HULK TALK ABOUT SURPRISINGLY DELICATE TONE NEEDED FOR GOOD BOND MOVIES. THEY NEED BE UP-FRONT YET NOT RIDICULOUS. OBVIOUS, BUT NOT IN YOUR FACE. HULK THINK DR. NO, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, AND THUNDERBALL EXECUTE THIS TONE RATHER WELL.

 YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE DOES NOT.

THIS THE FIFTH FILM IN SERIES AND WHAT HULK CONSIDER THE “PROPER END” OF SEAN CONNERY RUN. TAKEN IN THAT CONTEXT, THE FILM ACTUALLY DELIVER IN NUMBER WAYS. I.E., BOND FINALLY MEET THE HEAD OF SPECTER, THE STROKER OF WHITE KITTENS, ERNST STARVO BLOFIELD!

DUHN DUHN DUHHHHHH

THE CHARACTER GO ONE BE USED MANY TIMES, BUT THIS THE ABSOLUTE BEST VERSION. NO QUESTION. THE ETERNALLY-AWESOME DONALD PLEASANCE PLAY HIM WITH THIS GREAT DETACHED, MALEVOLENT, YET STILL REALLY FAY QUALITY. HE ETHEREAL AND DOWNRIGHT STRANGE. HULK FIND IT BE ONE OF THE SILLIEST-BUT-PLAYED-STRAIGHT PERFORMANCES EVER. WHY HULK ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS PSYCHOTIC WEIRDO MESSED UP ENOUGH TO HAVE WELL-PAID CRONIES RUNNING AROUND JUMP SUITS CARRYING OUT EVIL PLANS. AND YES FOLKS, HE THE OBVIOUS INFLUENCE FOR DR. EVIL (THAT AND LORNE MICHAELS OF COURSE).

THE PLOT KIND OF HILARIOUS. THE FILM START WITH JAMES BOND’S DEATH BEING FAKED SO HE CAN OPERATE IN SECRET.  OR SOMETHING. THIS VERY IDEA HILARIOUS AS HE SUPPOSED BE SECRET AGENT. BUT SINCE ALWAYS USE REAL NAME AND SEEMINGLY KNOWN ALL OVER WORLD HULK GUESS IT MAKE “MOVIE SENSE.”  MEANWHILE BLOFIELD SECRETLY ABDUCTING RUSSIAN AND AMERICAN ASTRONAUTS (IN SPACE-JACKINGS!) TO TRY START WORLD WAR THREE. HE OPERATING OUT OF JAPAN FOR SOME REASON. MOSTLY SO BOND CAN START TAPPING ASIA HULK GUESS.

SO BOND ARRIVE IN JAPAN AND ATTEND A SUMO WRESTLING MATCH BECAUSE, UNLESS TV AND MOVIE LIE TO HULK, THAT AUTOMATICALLY WHAT HAPPEN WHEN FIRST GO TO JAPAN. THERE THIS WEIRD BIT OF FLIRTY CAT AND MOUSE GAME WITH MYSTERIOUS JAPANESE WOMAN. IT SEEM LIKE SHE ABDUCT JAMES BOND AFTER TRICKING HIM INTO THIS SLIDE THING, BUT TURN OUT SHE WITH JAPANESE SECRET SERVICE AND TOTALLY ON BONDS SIDE. IT MAKE NO SENSE BUT WHATEVER. HER NAME AKI AND SHE TAKE HIM TO BOSS TIGER TANAKA WHO TAKE HIM SOMEONE ELSE BLAH BLAH BLAH. EVEN THOUGH LOTS STUFF OCCURRING, THIS FIRST ACT HAVE ZERO NARRATIVE STEAM.

UNLESS YOU DEFINE THIS NARRATIVE STEAM... SOME OF YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY

AND THEN IN SECOND ACT EVEN MORE OF WHOLE BUNCH STUFF HAPPEN. SERIOUSLY. THE MOVIE JAM PACKED WITH SUDDEN BITS INFORMATION AND NARRATIVE TURNS AND HULK NO MAKE SENSE OF ANY OF IT (AND HULK PRETTY SURE HULK HAVE DECENT LOCK ON PLOT OF PRIMER SO THAT TELL YOU THIS BOND PLOT LIKELY NOT VALID). HULK GUESS THE MOVIE REALLY TRYING ACT LIKE ACTUAL SPY/INTRIGUE MOVIEM BUT THEY MAKE HUGE MISTAKE OF ASSUMING NEW PLOT DEVELOPMENTS = MYSTERY. IF THERE NO THROUGH-LINE OR MOTIVE, REALLY IT JUST BS MACGUFFIN-HOPPING.

EVENTUALLY BOND REALIZE SOMETHING FUNKY GOING ON THIS REMOTE ISLAND. SO HE GO TO TANAKA’S NEARBY NINJA ISLAND… YES. ACTUAL NINJA ISLAND. THERE TIMES IT USED EFFECTIVELY AND TIMES IT CRINGE WORTHY, BUT OVERALL HULK OKAY WITH THE NINJA ISLAND DEVELOPMENT. SO THEN Q SHOW UP AND BOND RIDE IN DORKY HELICOPTER TO SCOUT THE STRANGE ISLAND. THERE HELICOPTER FIGHT SCENE THAT KIND OF NEAT. LATER THE BAD GUYS RETALIATE AND AKI (WHO BOND CURRENTLY DOING IF HULK NO MENTION) GET KILLED IN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT. BOND SAD.

BUT THAT LITERALLY FOR, LIKE, TWO SECOND CAUSE BOND THEN HAVE GET MARRIED TO NEW HOT JAPANESE WOMAN AS PART OF SUBLIMATION INTO JAPANESE CULTURE.. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEN… PERHAPS HULK SHOULD EXPLAIN WHAT LEAD UP TO IT.

IN ORDER FOR BOND BE ON THIS NINJA ISLAND, BOND TOLD HE HAVE “BECOME JAPANESE” TO BLEND IN AND BE ACCEPTED. SO THEY DO OBVIOUS THING AND PUT HIM IN BLACK MOE WIG, CHANGE ANGLE OF EYEBROWS, AND GIVE HIM MASCARA. IN CASE IT NO OBVIOUS, HE LOOK NOTHING LIKE JAPANESE PERSON…

HE LOOK LIKE THIS

THE JAW-DROPPING THING THAT THIS MAYBE ONLY LIKE THE 17TH MOST ABSURD THING EVER HAPPEN IN BOND MOVIE AND MAYBE ONLY THE 28TH MOST RACIST THING. STILL, EVERYONE NOW TREAT BOND AS JAPANESE-NINJA-IN-TRAINING EVEN THOUGH CONNERY CONTINUE USE THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT. TO CONNERY’S “CREDIT” HE DO MANAGE ADD THIS WEIRD TIC OF PROPRIETY, LIKE AT LEAST ATTEMPT MAKE SOME KIND OF VERBAL CHANGE, BUT IT ONLY MAKE THING ALL THE MORE SAD.

LOOK, HULK ARGUE THERE SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF IN SPIRIT OF MOVIE AND SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF AGAINST SPIRIT OF MOVIE. THIS CLEARLY AGAINST. JUST ONE OF THOSE AMAZINGLY TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE CHOICES THAT NO CAN BELIEVE EVERYONE KEEP SAYING “YEAH SURE.” IT PRETTY MUCH HAUNTED THE MOVIE FOREVER. IT CAN NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY WAY AFTER DOING THIS. YET IT SO DELIGHTFULLY INSANE AND DATED THAT HULK LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT. BUT IT ONLY IRONIC ENJOYMENT, NOT GENUINE DELIGHT. MODERN AUDIENCES TEND CONFUSE THE TWO A BIT SO HULK JUST MAKING CLEAR THE DIFFERENCE.

SO BACK TO BOND MARRYING NEW RANDOM HOT JAPANESE GIRL. AGAIN, AKI DIED MINUTES AGO. HE NOW BEING TOLD HE HAVE MARRY NEW GIRL. BOND, EVER DEVOTED TO THE MISSION, WORRIED HE GOING BE WED TO FAT COW. BUT OF COURSE HIS NEW WIFE HE MEET AT CEREMONY ANOTHER HOT JAPANESE GIRL NAMED KISSY SUZUKI (BOND GIRL NAMING NEVER CEASE AMAZE HULK). SO NEEDLESS SAY BOND EXCITED. HE PROMPTLY TRY ENJOY HIS NEW MARRIAGE BENEFITS BUT KISSY NOT HAVIN IT… WHOA… MORALS! SELF-ESTEEM! THIS REALLY A BOND MOVIE?

OK... PERHAPS THERE A SLIDING SCALE...

SO IMMEDIATELY THEY GO INTO 3RD ACT MODE AND IT TAKE BOND WAY TO LONG TO FIGURE OUT THE VOLCANO FAKE. THEY GO INTO BLOFELD’S LAYER.  PIRANHAS HAPPEN. THERE SOME ARYAN STRONGMAN TYPE. NINJA ISLAND SHOWS UP TO FIGHT. AND FINALLY THEY HAVE EPIC LAME CONFRONTATION WHERE BLOFELD SOMEHOW ESCAPE ON TINY MONORAIL. BOND SAVE DAY. ESCAPE WITH KISSY AND THEY GET IN ON IN SURVIVAL RAFT (THIS HAPPEN A LOT TO BOND).

SO AGAIN, IT NOT EXACTLY THE WHAT BUT THE HOW. THE FILM HAVE ALL THIS WEIRD HALF-ASSEDNESS WHERE IT NOT COASTING IN GOOD WAY. IT NO LIKE DIRECTOR LEWIS GILBERT ABJECTLY HORRIBLE. HE JUST NOT AS GOOD AT BALANCE LIKE TERENCE YOUNG. THE TONE JUST READ FAR SILLIER SOME PLACE THEN INTENDED. SURE DEAR READER, IT STILL FAR FROM ROGER MOORE DEPTHS OF CORNINESS. BUT SERIES PROBLEMS STARTING CREEP IN SERIES: THE JUMPSUIT-CLAD MINIONS STARTING DESCEND INTO PARODY.  FUTURE MOVIES WILL MISTAKE BLOFELD’S STRANGENESS FOR THE REASON HE GOOD (REALLY IT BECAUSE PLEASENCE MADE THAT SHIT WORK). THE AFOREMENTIONED RACIST STUFF. THE NONSENSICAL PLOT. THE MACGUFFIN HOPPING. THERE LOTS OF STUFF HERE THAT SPELL DOOM FOR THE FIRST “END OF THE SERIES.”

BUT STILL HULK HAPPY ACCEPT IT FOR WAYS IT GOOD AS “CONCLUSION” TO CONNERY’S RUN.

WEIRD NOTE: THE MOVIE WRITTEN BY ROALD DAHL. YES THAT RHOALD DAHL. HIS ONLY SCREENPLAY CREDITS THIS AND CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG. BOTH NOVELS ACTUALLY BY IAN FLEMING! HULK SURE THERE SOME REASON FOR IT, BUT ON SURFACE IT SEEM FUCKING BIZARRE.

BEST MOMENT: BOND BREAK INTO OSATA CHEMICALS AND END UP FACING THIS BIG STRONG JAPANESE GUY. THERE FISTICUFFS AND COUCH FLIPPING BUT IT ABSOLUTELY BEST FILMED FIGHT SCENE TO DATE. GRANTED, MOST OF FIGHTING BEFORE THIS IN THAT LAZY “CLASSIC” STYLE WHERE TO GUYS JUST EXCHANGE PUNCHES AND BLOCK AWKWARDLY, BUT FOR EVEN TODAY IT PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?

GOOD NEWS FOR ASIAN FETISHISTS!*

*NOTE: BECAUSE THIS THE INTERNET AND HARD TELL IF SERIOUS OR NOT, HULK NOT ACTUALLY IMPLYING DATING ASIAN PEOPLE = FETISHISM. COME ON. HULK POINTING OUT THE DISTINCTLY FETISHISTIC NATURE TO PRETTY MUCH ALL MINORITY BOND GIRLS THAT COME INTO FOLD PRE-HALLE BERRY… HULK ALSO ACCEPT ARGUMENTS FOR GRACE JONES AS SHE SORT OF “POST-RACIAL” TOO. BUT SERIOUSLY. IT ALWAYS FETISHISTIC. THINK HULK JOKING? OBSERVE:

HULK MEAN, REALLY

THIS STUFF ON THE ACTUAL POSTERS.

IT INTERESTING THING BRING UP ACTUALLY. TO AUDIENCE TODAY, IT LAUGHABLY INSULTING TO THINK STUFF LIKE THIS “PROGRESSIVE” BUT IT CAPTURE THAT WEIRD MOMENT IN TIME WHERE IT NOT COMPLETELY MERIT-LESS ARGUMENT.  THE BOND PEOPLE TALK AT LENGTH ABOUT THEIR FORWARD THINKING HERE AND HOW THEY CAST INTERRACIAL LOVE INTERESTS. HULK MEAN IT JUST SO OBVIOUS THAT IDEA OF MEN BEDDING WOMEN OF EXOTIC RACES NOT FORWARD THINKING IN SLIGHTEST. HECK, IT BEEN FASCINATION OF MALE CULTURE FOREVER (HULK COULD EVEN ARGUE IT GO BACK TO GENETIC PREDISPOSITION BUT THAT PRETTY B.S. TOO). BUT POINT IS, AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME IT NOT SOMETHING ALL THAT WELL-REPRESENTED IN POPULAR NARRATIVE. SO EVEN THOUGH IT FETISHISTIC, AT LEAST IT NOT CAPITAL R-RACIST DEMAGOGUEY WHITE PURITY BACKWARDNESS … HULK JUST REALIZE THIS TERRIBLE ARGUMENT FOR WHY IT OKAY.

MOVING ON…

AKIKO WAKABAYASHI AS AKI – AKI ACTUALLY DECENT. THIS POINT IN SERIES WERE SOME OF BOND GIRLS START BEING ALLOWED BE CAPABLE OF, LIKE, ACTUALLY DOING SPY STUFF. SO THAT NEAT. SHE ACTUALLY SEEM LIKE WOMAN FULL OF CONFIDENCE TOO. HER PARTNERSHIP WITH BOND NOT SEEM LIKE OUT SOME OBLIGATION, BUT MORE “IM’MA DO WHAT I WANT DO.” WHICH WHAT SHOULD BE, RIGHT? BUT HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE HAVE DIE HALFWAY THROUGH. THERE NO ACTUAL DRAMA TO IT. AND IT WOULD BEEN MUCH MORE INTERESTING IF SHE GO ALL WAY THROUGH ACTION FIGHTING AT BOND’S SIDE.

KARIN DOR AS HELGA BRANDT – SO THIS LADY IN MOVIE TOO. SHE ONE OF BAD GUYS ASSISTANTS AND SHE SORT OF LOOK LIKE CROSS BETWEEN LUCIANA FROM LAST FILM AND THE DIANA RIGG FROM FILM AFTER THIS ONE… THAT KIND OF WEIRD. HER BOND GIRL ARCHETYPE = THE MARGINALIZED AND USED ASSISTANT. THIS ONE COME UP LOT IN BOND FILMS. SHE COMMANDED BY BOSS TO KILL JAMES BOND. SO SHE PRETEND DEFECT TO HIS SIDE FOR SOME REASON, SLEEP WITH HIM, THEN TRY KILL HIM BY JUMPING OUT HIS FAILING PLANE. SURPRISE THOUGH, BOND ESCAPE! THE WHOLE SEQUENCE PRETTY BIZARRE. AND MORE THAN THAT, THESE CHARACTERS ALWAYS STRIKE HULK AS SADDEST IN SERIES. THEY PAWNS IN BIG SEXUAL MAN’S GAME. THEY ESSENTIALLY ABUSED BY THEIR BOSSES, THEN ABUSED BY BOND. AUDIENCE SUPPOSED BE OKAY WITH IT CAUSE SHE “BAD GUY” CHARACTER, BUT THAT RARELY WAY IT FEEL. ANYWAY, FOR HER FAILURE KILL BOND SHE TREATED TO ONE OF BEST DEATHS IN THE ENTIRE SERIES:

PIRANHA’D!

MIE HAMA AS KISS SUZUKI – AHHH, THE INTERCHANGEABLE REPLACEMENT… HULK ALREADY DISCUSS AT LENGTH SO… WHATEVER.

OK, OK. HULK GUESS IT WORTH SAYING SHE NICE ENOUGH OR SOMETHING. SHE ALTERNATED BETWEEN DOE-EYED AND FEIGNED COMPETENCE. BUT IT JUST ALL SO UNDESERVED COMING SO SOON AFTER AKI.

KNOWING BOND, HE PROBABLY JUST COULD NO TELL THEM APART AND FIGURED AKI LIVE OR SOMETHING

MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: THERE METRIC-SHIT-TON IN THIS MOVIE, BUT HULK HAVE SAY IT HOW HILARIOUSLY FAST BOND MOVE ON FROM AKI TO AFOREMENTIONED NEXT GENERIC ASIAN GIRL.

SUPPORTING CAST: HULK ALREADY TALK ABOUT HOW AWESOME PLEASANCE = AS BLOFELD. BUT REALLY THERE NO OTHER NEW INTERESTING CHARACTERS ASIDE ONES HULK ALREADY MENTION. MR. OSATO PRETTY MUCH A BORE. THE ARYAN STRONGMAN HAVE NOTHING GOING ON. REALLY. THAT IT.

AT LEAST DESMOND LLEWELYN SORT OF COMING INTO OWN AS Q IN THIS MOVIE. HE GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH HIS GRUMPY, PATERNAL NATURE WITH BOND AND SEEM FULLY DEVELOPED THE Q SCHTICK. STILL, IT FINALLY NICE SEE HIM DELIGHT IN BOND’S ABILITY TO USE THE EQUIPMENT HANDILY.

NOW PAY ATTENTION...

DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: THREE HULK SMASHES OUT OF FIVE! (THIS MAY SEEM HIGH GIVE REVIEW, BUT HULK ASSURE YOU. IT GONNA GET WORSE SOON)

BETTY’S TAKE: [upon seeing James Bond appear in ridiculous “japanese” disguise]: “Oh rordy!”**

**SIGH. IN CASE HULK HAVE EXPLAIN JOKE AGAIN, BETTY NOT ACTUALLY BEING RACIST BUT MIMICKING THE RACIST ATTITUDE OF FILMMAKERS FOR HAVING CREATED SUCH MONSTROSITY… THAT CLEAR, RIGHT? HULK FEEL LIKE THE INTERNET MAKING HULK CRAZY.

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LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK.  HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.

THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.

BOND ENTRY #4: THUNDERBALL (1965)

HULK HAVE GET BACK TO THIS ARTICLE SERIES SO THAT HULK NOT FORGET THEM AGAIN. RIGHT NOW HULK JUST FINISHING UP DALTON ENTRIES SO, SAY LEAST, HULK BEHIND. WHEN LAST LEFT THIS SERIES HULK ARGUE GOLDFINGER NOT THE GREAT MOVIE MOST REMEMBER. IT JUST JUST HAVE REALLY GREAT HIGH POINTS AND UNDERNEATH THOSE BITS THERE WHOLE BUNCH OF PROBLEMS THAT UNDO THE SERIES LATER ON.

LUCKILY, THUNDERBALL MORE LIKE IT.

HULK HAPPY TO HAVE ANOTHER BOND IN LINE WITH THE THINGS HULK LIKED ABOUT THE FIRST TWO ENTRIES.  THE FILM HAVE QUIET CONFIDENCE ABOUT IT. CALL IT SURE-FOOTED. THIS MOSTLY DUE TO THE RETURN OF TERENCE YOUNG, THE GREAT DIRECTOR OF FIRST TWO BOND FILMS WHO SEEM EXACTLY KNOW HOW MAKE JAMES BOND FILMS FEEL EFFORTLESS; THERE KIND OF “REALISTIC” PORTRAYAL OF BOND AND YET HE TOTALLY OF THAT PARTICULAR WORLD. BUT IT DEFINITELY CONNERY TOO. HE COMPLETELY KNOW HOW PLAY BOND AT THIS POINT (OR HULK WONDER IF MAYBE HE JUST COMFORTABLE BEING HIMSELF). MORE IMPORTANTLY, THIS FILM THE LAST ENTRY IN SERIES BEFORE CONNERY SEEM LOSE INTEREST IN ROLE.

ASIDE FROM THIS, THERE NOT LOT  SAY ABOUT THUNDERBALL IN TERMS OF DISTINCTION. THE PLOT FAIRLY STRAIGHTFORWARD, BOND NOW MOVING UP THE SPECTER RANKS AND GOING AFTER “NUMBER TWO” A.K.A. EMILIO LARGO. THERE SOMEWHAT NIFTY BIT ABOUT BODY SWITCHING WITH PLASTIC SURGERY DOUBLES. AND SOME NUCLEAR BOMB THEFT. STILL, THERE SOME WONDERFULLY INSANE BITS IN THE FIRST ACT. LIKE THE WHOLE PRE-CREDITS OPEN AND THE JET PACK REVEAL. LIKE THE CORRUPTED “SPINAL TRACTION MACHINE” WHICH TOTALLY FILMED LIKE JAMES BOND FUCKING SOMETHING TO DEATH.

OUCH

HULK LOVE WHEN BOND FILMS SO ON-THE-NOSE ABOUT THIS KIND OF STUFF. LIKE THE CASTRATION LASER FROM GOLDFINGER. THE PHALLOCENTRIC THEMATICS JUST WORK SO MUCH BETTER WHEN IT CLEANER + SELF AWARE. HULK ARGUE BOND FILMS AT THEIR WORST WHEN THE PSYCHO-SEXUAL-MACHOISM STUFF MORE UNDER THE SURFACE AND SNEAKY. IT FEEL MUCH MORE INSIDIOUS. BUT WHEN IT THIS BIG AND BOMBASTIC, WITHOUT BEING OUTRIGHT CARTOONY, IT ABSOLUTELY BEST WAY PRESENT BOND IN ALL HIS RIDICULOUSNESS. YOU MAY WONDER HOW IT EVEN POSSIBLE SHOW ON-THE-NOSE SCENE ABOUT BOND FUCKING TO DEATH AND IT SOMEHOW NOT BE CARTOONY, BUT THAT THE SECRET DIFFICULTY OF DOING A BOND MOVIE. AND IT SPEAK TO WEIRD NATURE OF “TONE.” FILMMAKING, ESPECIALLY THE BIG STUFF, ACTUALLY A REMARKABLY SUBTLE THING. THE LINES BETWEEN INSIDIOUS, BROAD, SUBTLE, AND OBVIOUS OFTEN RATHER SMALL. AND IT THE DIRECTORS JOB BE IN CONTROL OF IT. AND HULK THINK TERENCE YOUNG KNOW STRADDLE THOSE LINES PERFECTLY. OTHERS MAKE THE MISTAKE GOING TOO TONGUE+CHEEK, OR TOO GRIM, OR TOO CURRENT. THUNDERBALL, MEANWHILE, STRIKE HULK JUST RIGHT.

YET EVEN IF HULK LOVE THE TONE OF FILM, THERE STILL NOT TOO MUCH ESPECIALLY DISTINCT ABOUT IT. AND HULK ACKNOWLEDGE TANGIBLE THINGS OFTEN WHAT THE AUDIENCE POINT TO FOR “BAD” OR “GOOD.” RARELY IF EVER TONE… SO HULK SUPPOSE THE FILM REALLY USE THE CARIBBEAN LOCATION TO MAXIMUM EFFECTIVENESS. WHICH GOOD CONSIDERING IT STAY CENTRALLY LOCATED THERE FOR MOST OF MOVIE.

PICTURED: MAXIMUM EFFECTIVENESS

THE FINAL ACTION SEQUENCE OF ALL THE SCUBA DIVERS HAVING HARPOON BATTLE OVER THE NUKES ONLY IMPROVE WITH MORE ONE KNOW ABOUT FILMMAKING. SHOOTING SOMETHING THAT LONG AND THAT COMPLICATED UNDERWATER MUST BEEN ABSOLUTE HELL. AND THE RESULTS HOLD UP REMARKABLY WELL. PRECISELY BECAUSE IT THE EXACT KIND OF FILMMAKING THAT ALL THE CGI IN THE WORLD CAN NO REPLICATE. IT THIS SAME REASON CAR CHASES FROM THIS ERA HOLD UP WELL TOO… NOBODY BOTHER TAKE THE TROUBLE ANYMORE.

HMMM. WHAT ELSE… REALLY IT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS IN THIS MOVIE, BUT HULK GET TO THAT LATER IN PROPER SECTION.

ANYTHING ELSE? OH YEAH, THUNDERBALL BEGIN THE LONGSTANDING BOND TRADITION OF BRINGING IN HUGE STAR TO DO TERRIBLE THEME SONG. AND YES, TOM JONES’ THUNDERBALL SONG ABSOLUTELY SUCKED.

SORRY TOM

(UPDATE: HULK READER PHIL PRESENT THIS LITTLE BIT ALTERNATIVE HISTORY. ENJOY JOHNNY CASH’S SUBMISSION FOR THUNDERBALL THEME SONG)

BEST MOMENT: THE JETPACK? THE POOL-BOUND SHARK ATTACK? THE ENDING HARPOON SEQUENCE?

LETS FACE IT. IT JAMES BOND PUNCHING A WIDOW IN THE FACE:

PLEASE GO TO 1:32…  (CAN’T IMBED) http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3hsb4_thunderball-pretitle-sequence_shortfilms

HAVE YOU WATCHED YET?

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?

THUNDERBALL DEFINITELY ONE OF ALL-STAR OUTINGS FOR BOND GIRLS.

1. CLAUDINE AUGER AS “DOMINO” – LIKE MOST BOND GIRLS, AUGER VERY PRETTY, BUT SHE ALSO PRETTY IN WAY THAT HULK FIND PRETTY… SO THERE. HER CHARACTER = THE HONEY RIDER ARCHETYPE, ONLY SOMEHOW EVEN MORE OF A DOE-EYED INNOCENT WHOSE PERSONAL TRAGEDY CAUGHT UP IN THE MAIN GAME OF PLOT. LITTLE SHE KNOW HER BROTHER KILLED IN SCHEME CONDUCTED BY LARGO. WAIT WAS LARGO HER UNCLE? HULK FORGET EXACTLY HOW LARGO RELATED TO HER. MAYBE SHE HIS BOYFRIEND? HULK DON’T REMEMBER. WAIT NO. SHE HIS MISTRESS AND HULK NOW REMEMBERING ALL THESE PARTS WHERE HE NO GIVE HER LOVING AND STUFF CAUSE HE TOO BUSY BEING OLD MAN AND DEALING WITH SPECTER STUFF. YEAH THAT SOUND ABOUT RIGHT. ANYCRAP, THE THING HULK LIKE ABOUT DOMINO THAT THERE THERE ACTUAL HUMAN GENTLENESS TO HER. AS IN SHE ACTUALLY SEEM LIKE INNOCENT PERSON CAUGHT UP IN ALL THE MASSIVE NUCLEAR HIJACKING CRAZINESS. SHE NOT JUST SOME CARDBOARD CUTOUT DESPITE BEST EFFORTS OF SCRIPT NOT TO GIVE HER PERSONALITY.

IN TRUTH, MOST BOND GIRLS LEFT UP TO THEIR OWN DEVICES. THEY PRESENTED WITH MOST BASIC OF ROLES AND THEIR NATURAL PERSONALITY OR RELATIVE LOOK/ATTRACTIVENESS END DOING ALL THE WORK. IT JUST HOW THESE THINGS GO. WAITING FOR A BOND WRITER TO UNDERSTAND HOW WRITE WOMEN SEEM FUTILE (WHY NOT HIRE A WOMAN?). AND AT SAME TIME THE SCRIPT DESERVE CREDIT FOR NOT MAKING HER VAPID ENOUGH TO JUST THROW HERSELF WILLINGLY AT BOND FROM GET GO. THAT WAY SHE NOT CONSTANTLY AT HIS MERCY TO BE GUIDED AROUND AIMLESSLY LIKE HELPLESS VICTIM. SURE, SHE NOT HAVE LOT TO DO, BUT THERE SIMPLE VALUE TO RECOGNIZING THAT AT LEAST THEY NO MAKER HER PLAIN AWFUL.

MOVING ON…

2. LUCIANA PALUZZI AS FIONA VULPE -MEET THE FIRST IN LONG LIST OF BADASS BOND GIRL ENEMIES (PUSSY GALORE IN GOLDFINGER NOT REALLY COUNT. SHE JUST SORT OF FLY PLANES AND THAT IT). FIONA VULPE = THE FIERY RED-HAIRED VOLUPTUOUS ASSASSIN WHO WEAR FULL LEATHER SPANDEX AND RIDE AROUND ON MOTORCYCLE ARMED WITH MACHINE GUNS… YEAH IT LIKE 13 YEAR OLD BOY’S BRAIN EXPLOSION.

VROOM VROOM!

BUT REMEMBER, HULK LIKE WHEN BOND MOVIES UPFRONT ABOUT THIS STUFF WITHOUT GOING OVER EDGE. AND TERENCE YOUNG SOMEHOW KNOW HOW MAKE HER CHARACTER NOT COME OFF LIKE CARTOON (MOSTLY CAUSE SHE GET THE GREAT MANTIS-LIKE OPENING). PLUS SHE ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD IN ROLE. PALUZZI ALL SWAGGER AND DEADPAN GLARES OF VENOM. HER SCENE WHERE SHE DANCE WITH BOND WHILE TRYING KILL HIM GREAT… IT JUST SHAME HER TENURE CUT SHORT SO LAMELY.

3. THERE ALSO MARTINE BESWICK AS PAULA, THE FELLOW MI6 AGENT – SERIOUSLY, WHAT UP WITH THE GIRLS BOND WORK WITH? IT THIS ODD REOCCURRING PART OF SERIES WHERE BOND JUST HAVE NO INTEREST IN BEDDING THEM. IT CERTAINLY NOT CAUSE HE PROFESSIONAL. HULK MEAN, THE SCENE WHERE HE LEAVE PAULA TO GO ON DOMINO’S BOAT = HILARIOUS. WHAT GIVE?

OFF SET THOUGH... GULP

MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: DEAR LORDY. IT EASILY IN FIRST ACT WHEN BOND USE THE SPINAL TRACTION MALFUNCTION PROBLEM TO GUILT-TRIP THE NURSE INTO DOING HIM. SHE CLEARLY WANT NO PART OF IT AND THIS TOTALLY FREAKING SEXUAL ASSAULT NOWADAYS, ATTEMPTED BLACKMAIL TO BOOT! BUT IN BONDS 60’S? HAVE AT IT BOY-YO! OH, AND IN TYPICAL BOND FASHION THE FRIGHTENED, MANIPULATED NURSE NOW FULLY SATED AFTER GETTING THE GIFT OF BOND PENIS… THEN HE PROMPTLY LEAVE HER OF COURSE.

SUPPORTING CAST: ADOLFO CELI HAVE KIND OF THIS IMPOSING, BUT BLAND PRESENCE AS LARGO. HE NOT AS LAMELY INEFFECTUAL AS GOLDFINGER, BUT THERE STILL KIND OF THIS WEIRD LACK OF DISTINCTION TO HIM. HULK MOSTLY REMEMBER THE EYEPATCH, BUT HULK ALSO REMEMBER HIS TIME-HONORED BOND-VILLAIN TRADITION OF LOVING SHARKS. THOSE DEVICES REALLY DO MOST OF THE VILLAINY HEAVY LIFTING.

HE WILL APPARENTLY GRUMPY YOU TO DEATH THOUGH

SIGH… ANOTHER BOND MOVIE, ANOTHER FORGETTABLE FELIX LEITER. THIS SERIES GO THROUGH FELIX’S LIKE DARRENS. AND THIS TIME IT RIK VAN NUTTER. HULK TRULY HAVE NO MEMORY EVEN SEEING HIS FACE.

APPARENTLY IT LOOK LIKE THIS

ALSO, HULK COMPLETELY FORGET WHAT MONEYPENNY LIKE IN THIS ONE… CHANCES ARE SHE THE SAME.

SPINSTER!

DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: FOUR HULK SMASHES OUT OF FIVE.

BETTY’S TAKE: “This is the one where he was in shorts for, like, half the running time right? Yeah that was my favorite one.”

LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK.  HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.

THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.


BOND ENTRY #3: “GOLDFINGER” (1964)

GOLDFINGER CONSIDERED ONE OF BEST BONDS ALL TIME.

… HULK DISAGREE.

BUT IN ORDER DISCUSS GOLDFINGER HULK HAVE TALK ABOUT DIRECTION. LET JUST GET THIS BIT OBVIOUSNESS OUT OF WAY: DIRECTION THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT MOVIE. THIS NOT UNDERMINE WRITER WHATSOEVER. THEY MOST UNDERVALUED BY FAR.  IT JUST GO WITHOUT SAYING THAT DIRECTION NEXT COLOSSAL STEP IN PROCESS AND IT POSSIBLE DESTROY GOOD SCRIPT W/ BAD DIRECTION/CASTING/EDITING ETC. ALL OF WHICH DIRECTOR’S RESPONSIBILITY ANYWAY.

IT VERY EASY DESTROY A GOOD SCRIPT. AND THAT EXACTLY WHAT ALMOST HAPPEN HERE.

IT WEIRD, BUT PEOPLE TEND THINK BOND FILMS NOT REALLY BEING “DIRECTED.” IT ALMOST LIKE PEOPLE THINK BOND FILMS EVOLVE AND EXIST IN NATURAL STATES WITH GOOD AND BAD CHOICES MADE BY ACTOR PLAYING BOND. THAT OBVIOUSLY NOT CASE BUT FOR SOME REASON IT JUST HAPPEN. PROBABLY CAUSE THEY ALL SO SIMILAR.

THE FIRST TWO BOND FILMS DIRECTED BY MAN NAMED TERENCE YOUNG (HE ALSO DIRECT THE 4TH FILM “THUNDERBALL”). ALL THREE FILMS RANK AMONG HULK’S FAVORITE BONDS. HE HAVE SUCH GOOD SENSE OF PACING AND IMBUE CONNERY’S WORLD WITH ORGANIC SENSE OF “REALITY” NO MATTER WHAT MAY HAPPEN. YOU ALWAYS BELIEVE HIS BOND MOVIES IF THAT MAKE SENSE. HULK EVEN CONSIDER HIM BY FAR THE BEST AT INTEGRATING SEXUALITY IN NON-CHEESY WAY INTO BOND MOVIE. AND HIS SUCCESS NOT JUST LIMITED TO BOND EITHER. YOUNG DIRECT THE CLASSIC FILM “WAIT UNTIL DARK”(1967) WITH AUDREY HEPBURN. BASICALLY, THE MAN GOT SKILLS AND HE LAUNCH THE FRANCHISE

BUT THE THIRD ENTRY, GOLDFINGER = DIRECTED BY MAN NAMED GUY HAMILTON… AND THE MAN A FREAKING HACK. YOU MAY SAY “BUT HULK! I LIKE GOLDFINGER! IT PRETTY GOOD!!! HOW HE A HACK, HULK,?!?!”

TRUE, GOLDFINGER NOT THAT BAD. HULK WILL ARTICULATE WHY IT SUCCEED IN MANY WAYS IN MINUTE, BUT FIRST LOOK AT OTHER FILMS GUY HAMILTON DIRECTED IN BOND SERIES…YUP… THREE OF WORST BONDS EVER (DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER, LIVE AND LET DIE, AND THE MAN WITH GOLDEN GUN). ALL MOVIES WITH SUCH BIZARRE AND DUMB CHOICES AS MAKE HULK SPEECHLESS. HIS ENTIRE CAREER AN EXAMPLE OF POORLY-AGED, BAT-SHIT DECISION-MAKING. SERIOUSLY, HULK CAN’T WAIT TEAR THOSE OTHER MOVIES APART….

BACK TO GOLDFINGER.

SEE THIS THE FIRST BOND TO HEAD FULL TILT IN “GIMMICKY” DIRECTION THAT LATER BE ITS UNDOING. HAMILTON OBSESSED WITH THIS KIND OF STUFF. BUT SINCE IT FIRST TIME WE SEEING GIMMICKS WE GET KIND OF EXCITED BY IT. IT SEEM LIKE NATURAL EVOLUTION OF WHAT WE SEE BEFORE. IT MORE “AWESOME” VERSION OF STUFF IN PREVIOUS MOVIES. NO MORE SIMPLE CAR WITH BULLET SHIELDS, WE GET BAD ASS CAR WITH EJECTOR SEATS! (HULK ALSO ARGUE THIS THE FIRST AND POSSIBLY LAST TIME A BOND GADGET CAR ENTERTAINING). THE GADGETS EVEN MORE CRAZY AND SCI FI. WE GET FIRST COMPLETELY NOVELTY BAD GUY IN ODD JOB (NOTICE THEY RETURN ONCE HAMILTON GET BACK TO SERIES). WE EVEN GET A WHOLE BUNCH OF WOMEN PILOTS IN THE BAD GUYS LAIR IN MATCHING CLOTHES :

PICTURED: NATIONAL THREAT

AND SIMPLY, IN THIS THIRD FILM WE REACH BOND-GIRL-DOUBLE-ENTENDRE-NAME APEX WITH “PUSSY GALORE.” THE SERIES WILL NEVER OUT DO. AND THERE ALL SORTS OF TWISTS/TURNS/INVERSIONS OF BOND CONVENTIONS THAT IT REALLY EXCITING IN KIND OF WAY.

THEY ALSO COME OH-SO-CLOSE TO BEING OUT OF CONTROL RIDICULOUS.

DON’T BELIEVE HULK? WAS WOMAN NOT KILLED BY BEING PAINTED IN GOLD? DID THAT NOT HAPPEN? CAUSE HULK PRETTY SURE THAT HAPPEN.

CUE STRATEGICALLY PLACED PILLOW!

DESPITE THIS KIND OF STUFF, RICHARD MAIBAUM STILL THERE WITH SOLID-ISH SCRIPT (BEFORE TOM MANKIEWICZ SHOW UP AND RUIN EVVV-ERRR-EEE-THING… HULK SAID THAT GARY OLDMAN STYLE). AND IT STILL FIRMLY ROOTED IN 60’S EARLY BONDESS BEFORE WENT TACKY IN 70S. BETTER YET, SEAN CONNERY STILL SEEM CARE A BIT. IT ALL THESE GOOD QUALITIES THAT PREVENT THE GIMMICK INCLINATION FROM PULLING GOLDFINGER TOO FAR. AND AS RESULT IT TOE LINE BETWEEN THE OLD SCHOOL SEXIST BADASSERY PEOPLE LOVE ABOUT SEAN CONNERY’S BONDS AND THE NEW SCHOOL GADGETRY AND CAMP.

PERHAPS THAT WHY PEOPLE LOVE IT SO? IT TOE THE LINE FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE BOTH?

… BUT FOR HULK IT DIDN’T PLEASE EITHER SIDE OF HULK THAT LIKES THOSE THINGS.

BEST MOMENT: MAIN VILLAIN INVITE CRIME SYNDICATES TO HEAR HIS LONG/IN DEPTH MASTER PLAN THEN IMMEDIATELY KILL THEM FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?:

SHE LOOK LIKE SHE SMOKE A PACK FOR BREAKFAST... THERE ALSO SOMETHING LOHANISH GOING ON HERE

1) SHIRLEY EATON AS JILL MASTERSON – GOLDFINGER PLAY WITH CONVENTION OF BOND GIRL. AT FIRST WE MEET JILL MASTERSON, GOLDFINGER’S ASSISTANT WHO HELP HIM CHEAT AT CARS. BOND SLEEP WITH HER AND CONVINCE HER MESS UP HER JOB, SO GOLDFINGER KILL HER BY PAINTING HER IN GOLD THUS SUFFOCATING HER… SO… YEAH… BUT PEOPLE REALLY LIKE HER CAUSE SHE SUPER PRETTY IN THAT BOMBSHELL WAY AND GET NAKED PAINTED IN GOLD DESPITE CLEARLY SEEING HER UNDERWEAR. ANYWAY HULK FIND HER KIND OF FORGETTABLE. MOVING ON.

HULK ADORE HER

2) TANIA MALLET AS TILLY MASTERSON – AHHH. THIS MORE LIKE IT. HULK BE HONEST. HULK THINK TANIA MALLET BEAUTIFUL. SHE GRACE-KELLY-LIKE. HER STORY ALSO INTERESTING IN THAT SHE ONE OF RARE PEOPLE WHO JUST NOT THAT INTO BEING ACTRESS. SHE LIKE WORKING AS MODEL MORE AND LEFT ACTING AFTER GOLDFINGER. SHE ONLY HAVE COUPLE CREDITS TO HER NAME. ANYCRAP, HER CHARACTER ALSO INTERESTING IN THAT SHE THE 2ND “FALSE START” BOND GIRL IN THE MOVIE. SHE JILL’S SISTER AND WANT AVENGE DEATH BY KILLING GOLDFINGER. BOND THINK SHE ACTUALLY HUNTING HIM, BUT A FEW NEAT SCENES LATER THEY COME TO UNDERSTANDING AND THEN SHE RANDOMLY (AND CONFUSINGLY) SHOT DEAD. SO MUCH FOR TANIA.

SHE PITIES FOOLS

3) HONOR BLACKMAN AS PUSSY GALORE – ENTER PUSSY GALORE, GOLDFINGER’S RASPY-VOICED PILOT HENCHWOMAN WHO TOUGH AS NAILS AND COMPLETELY NO NONSENSE. BESIDES HAVING MOST RIDICULOUS NAME IN BOND ICONOGRAPHY, BOND ALSO DATE RAPES HER.  SERIOUSLY. GO BACK WATCH SCENE… YIKES. ANYWAY SHE ENTER GAME SO LATE THAT HULK REALLY HAVE NO INTEREST IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP (THE DATE RAPE DOESN’T HELP EITHER). NATURALLY SHE PART OF BOND GIRL ARCHETYPE 3 “DEVOTED HENCHWOMAN TURNED TO GOOD THROUGH THE POWER OF JAMES BOND’S WIENER.”…. THIS WILL HAPPEN… A LOT.

MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: TWO WORDS: “MAN TALK”

HULK THINK THAT TAKE THE CAKE FOR ENTIRE BOND SERIES.

SUPPORTING CAST:

SINCE HULK COVERED THE BOND GIRLS, REALLY IT ONLY ABOUT AURIC GOLDFINGER HIMSELF. FIRST OFF, GOLDFINGER PLAYED BY MAN NAMED GERT FRöBE COMPLETE WITH UMLAUT. THAT NAME AWESOME. AND DESPITE HIS “I LIKE GOLD!” GIMMICK HULK SORT OF FIND HIM BE ONE OF MOST BORING VILLAINS OF BOND OEUVRE.  HIS PLAN = STUPID. HIS TEAM OF PILOTS OBVIOUSLY NOT SHARE HIS INTERESTS. HIS HENCHMEN THROWS A HAT. HE CHEAT AT GOLF. AND ONCE OVERPOWERED HE RUN AROUND HELPLESS. THE ONLY INTERESTING THING HE EVER DO = THREATEN KILL THE SOURCE OF JAMES BOND’S POWER…

OF COURSE IT HIS PENIS

HAROLD SAKATA AS ODD JOB! ODD JOB. THAT RIGHT. THE MOST UNFAIRLY USED PLAYER IN THE GOLDENEYE GAME. SERIOUSLY.

HATERS GONNA HATE

AND NO FORGET CEC LINDER’S ONE AND ONLY PERFORMANCE AS FELIX… THAT ALL HULK GOT HONESTLY.

I EXISTED!

DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: THREE SMASHES OUT OF FIVE.

BETTY’S TAKE: “Was that the one where the chick was dipped in gold? I think I remember that one. How many freaking bonds have we watched so far? When does Sean Connery come back cause I’m not feeling Roger Moore one iota.”

LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK.  HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.

THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.


BOND ENTRY #2. “FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE” (1963)

THE SECOND ENTRY IN BOND SERIES DEFINITELY IN HULK’S RUNNING FOR “BEST BOND EVER.” BUT IN ORDER QUALIFY THAT, HULK FIRST DISCUSS “WHAT MAKE A GOOD BOND FILM?”

TO SOME, THEY JUST WANT GOOD MOVIE. ONE THAT OBSCURE THE NONSENSICAL ELEMENTS OF BOND SERIES IN ORDER GRAVITATE TOWARD THINGS LIKE “STORY” AND “EMOTION.” FOR OTHERS, THEY WANT AS MANY BOND CONVENTIONS TO BE LOADED INTO 2 HOURS AS POSSIBLE. HULK ARGUE THIS SORT OF “ANTI-MOVIE-MAKING” BUT HULK UNDERSTAND IT TOO. BECAUSE THERE THINGS THAT MAKE JAMES BOND UNIQUELY JAMES BOND. AND EVERY COUPLE YEARS PEOPLE WANT GET THEIR FILL. HULK TOTALLY GET IT, BUT IT ALSO CAN GET A BIT PAVLOVIAN AT TIMES (CHECK OUT THE ABSURDLY FRIGHTENING “CRAIG NOT BOND” CAMPAIGN FROM FEW YEARS BACK THAT PREDICATED PURELY ON FACT DANIEL CRAIG HAVE BLONDE HAIR. IT BEYOND FUCKING INSANE.)

B-B-BUT HE BLONDE! AND HIS TIE UNTIED! UNSPEAKABLE!

HULK LEAN A LITTLE HEAVY ON THE “STORY” DIRECTION (HULK MEAN, ARE THESE MOVIES OR ARE THESE MOVIES?) BUT REALLY HULK DEEPLY APPRECIATE THE SUCCESSFUL BLENDING OF THE TWO. WHAT MAKE THE EARLY CONNERY RUN SO EXCITING THAT THEY MAKING THE RULES OF SERIES RIGHT THEN/THERE. IT GENUINELY FUN SEE HOW THE SHADOW S.P.E.C.T.E.R. EXTEND FURTHER AND FURTHER INTO WORLD INFLUENCE. AND THE INCREASING GRANDEUR OF EVIL LAIRS = GENUINELY THRILLING TO AUDIENCE (IT NEAT FOR MODERN AUDIENCE SEE ACTUAL THINGS CALLED “SETS”). SO HULK LOVE IT WHEN LATER FILMS MANAGE TO CAPTURE SAME SENSE OF AWE, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING HOW DIFFICULT DO SINCE AUDIENCE KNOW IT COMING.

MOVING ON: HULK ACTUALLY HAVE THEORY THAT EVERY BOND FILM MERELY A RESPONSE TO THE RESPONSE OF THE ONE BEFORE IT. NOT ENOUGH GADGETS? THE NEXT ONE HAVE CRAZY GADGETS EVERYWHERE. TOO MANY GADGETS EVERYWHERE? THE NEXT ONE GO EASY ON GADGETS… AND SO ON. FOR EXAMPLE PEOPLE LIKE THE GRITTY, REALISTIC MANNER OF CASINO ROYALE, BUT WANTED MORE ACTION SCENE, SO QUANTUM OF SOLACE GO EVEN FURTHER WITH GRITTY AND ALSO CRAM IT CHOCK FULL OF ACTION SCENE. OF COURSE PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS SO NEXT ONE WILL GO MORE WITH INTRIGUE/SUAVENESS.

AND THIS “REACTION TO LAST ONE” EVEN QUALIFY FOR “FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE.”

THE FIRST FILM “DR. NO” COME OUT AND IT MASSIVE HIT. PEOPLE LOVE THE GAGDET STUFF SO THIS TIME BOND GET REALLY NEAT BRIEFCASE FULL OF THEM. LIKEWISE, SOME PEOPLE FELT DR. NO NOT SERIOUS ENOUGH SPY MOVIE SO “RUSSIA” OBSCURE SOME OF THE CAMP OF FIRST ONE AND FAVOR A MORE CONCENTRATED AND CLASSIC ESPIONAGE/LOVE STORY. IN FACT, THE FILM HAS HITCHCOCK INFLUENCE ALL OVER IT: THE HELICOPTER CHASE RIGHT OUT OF “NORTH BY NORTHWEST”. THE SNIPER SCENE SHOT COMPLETELY IN HITCHCOCKIAN STYLE. THEN THERE WHOLE WONDERFULLY QUIET/TENSE “STRANGERS ON A TRAIN” FINALE.

SOME PEOPLE THINK “FROM RUSSIA” A LITTLE TOO BORING AND NOT “BOND ENOUGH,” BUT HULK THINK THE WHOLE MOVIE WORK GREAT AS PERFECT BLENDING OF PURE BOND ENTRY AND INDEPENDENT PIECE OF CINEMA. IT DEFINITELY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITES.

BEST MOMENT:  SURPRISINGLY EFFECTIVE CLOSE-QUARTER FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHY IN THE TRAIN / ROSA KLEBB IN THE MAID OUTFIT (TIE)

GENIUS

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?:

1) DANIELA BIANCHI AS TATIANA RAMANOVA – ARCHETYPE: THE RIVAL AGENT SET UP BE VILLAINESS (THOUGH IN THIS VARIATION SHE SORT OF UNWITTING ONE) BUT SHE ACTUALLY FALL FOR HIM.  SHE CONTINUE THE BOND GIRL TRADITION OF VACUOUSNESS (WHICH ALL MORE WEIRD CONSIDERING SHE A QUALIFIED RUSSIAN AGENT?)… BUT HERE THING. DESPITE ALL THIS NONSENSE, TATIANA RAMANOVA STILL FEEL LIKE REAL PERSON. HULK KNOW, HULK KNOW. THAT SEEM LIKE WEIRD STATEMENT, BUT FILM JUST SPEND SO MUCH TIME WITH HER (WAY MORE THAN ANY OTHER BOND GIRL) THAT EVEN IF SHE BIT NAIVE, HER LOOK AND CHARACTER JUST MUCH MORE OF A “ADULT WOMAN” IN COMPARISON TO THE PARADE OF INFANTILE GIRLS BOND FILM USUALLY SHOVE OUT THERE. BIANCHI’S RAMANOVA  MUCH MORE OF A HITCHCOCKIAN FEMALE LEAD (COMPLETE WITH THEIR OWN PROBLEMS OF SEXISM) RATHER THAN THE COMPLETE FEMALE IDIOT AUDIENCE WILL GROW USE TO. AND PERHAPS THAT WHY SHE ONE OF HULK’S FAVES.

THIS MAY BE ANOTHER REASON

2 + 3) MARTINE BESWICK AND ALIZA GUR – BOTH PLAY TWO GYPSIES IN WHAT ALSO HAPPEN TO BE OUR:

MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: TWO GYPSY WOMEN MADE TO FIGHT TO DEATH FOR RIGHT TO JAMES BOND’S DONG… OF COURSE THEY BOTH WIN.

WHY MURDER WHEN CAN SHARE?

SUPPORTING CAST – DR. NO HINTED AT END OF FIRST FILM THAT HE JUST PART OF LARGER ORGANIZATION S.P.E.C.T.E.R. HERE WE SEE MORE OF SHADOWY WEALTHY GROUP. AND 1) THE MAIN “VILLAIN” IN THIS ONE SIMPLY AN ARYAN BLONDE HITMAN NAMED “DONALD GRANT” WHO SENT TO KILL HIM. HE SPEND MOST OF MOVIE LOOKING MENACING AND TRACKING BOND ACROSS EUROPE (WHILE USING RAMANOVA AS PAWN) BUT RARELY SPEAKING. WHICH MEAN HE SIMPLY NEED HAVE GREAT LOOK/NATURAL PRESENCE. SO WHO BETTER THAN ROBERT SHAW! THAT RIGHT! QUINT FROM JAWS! ANYWHO, HE MOSTLY SET UP AS SILENT BAD ASS. THEN IN FINALE HE SURPRISE AUDIENCE WITH COVERT WITH BRITISH ACCENT IN GREAT TETE-A-TETE SCENE WITH BOND. THE BUILD UP SO GOOD THAT “ARYAN BLONDE ASSASSIN” ACTUALLY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE BOND VILLAINS.

ACTUALLY, HE LOOK LOT LIKE DANIEL CRAIG... WEIRD

2) PEDRO ARMENDARIZ AS ALI KERIM BEY – YET ANOTHER OF THE MINORITY SUPPORTING CHARACTERS WHO SHOW UP AND DIE IN SERVICE OF JAMES BOND. THIS ONE MADE ALL THE BETTER BY HAVING A FAMOUS MEXICAN CHARACTER ACTOR PLAY TURKISH GUY (THE 60S CAN GET AWAY W/ THAT STUFF… THEN AGAIN, HOLLYWOOD STILL GET AWAY WITH PAN-ASIAN CASTING LIKE NOBODY BUSINESS). TO BE FAIR, PEDRO PRETTY GOOD IN FILM. MEANING HE SORTA LIKABLE AND HE NOT TOTALLY EMBARRASSING. IT THE LITTLE THINGS… HIS STORY A SAD ONE AS HE FIND OUT HE HAVE TERMINAL CANCER WHILE FILMING AND DIE SHORTLY AFTER COMPLETION.

3) DESMOND LLEWELYN MAKE FIRST APPEARANCE AS Q! OK, HE JUST “BOOTHROYD” AT THIS POINT AND NOT IN FULL Q GLORY YET, BUT WE GET SEE FIRST BITS OF HIS  SHTICK. HULK SAVE HIS “Q” TAKE FOR LATER.

4) LOTTE LENYA AS ROSA KLEBB – TOO FANTASTIC TO DESCRIBE. HER MINCING ALPHA LESBIANISM AND PATENT ABSURDITY EVEN BETTER THAN HER AUSTIN POWERS DOPPELGANGER.

DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: 5 HULK SMASHES OUT OF5!

BETTY’S TAKE: “I still can’t get over his thighs ”

HULK VS. THE BOND FILMS

March 2, 2011

LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK.  HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.

THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.

PART ONE: THE FIRST CONNERY RUN


TO MANY, SEAN CONNERY = JAMES BOND. HULK UNDERSTAND THIS. HE NOT ONLY DEFINE ROLE BUT THERE SOMETHING SO EFFORTLESS ABOUT WAY HE DO IT… THOUGH HULK ADMIT IT PROBABLY THIS SAME EFFORTLESSNESS THAT USHER IN HIS “GOING THROUGH MOTIONS” OF LATER FILMS, BUT IN WAY THAT PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE.

CONNERY’S BOND WAS UNAPOLOGETIC-ALLY MALE. STRONG. PURELY CONFIDENT. SURLY. TOTALLY SEXIST… OKAY SO BOND A DEEPLY FLAWED AND ARCHAIC MALE, BUT HULK ARGUE THERE DICHOTOMY THERE. HULK’S POINT NOT HELPED BY FACT THOSE FLAWS NOT REALLY GIVEN CREEDENCE WHATSOEVER… IN FACT A LOT OF THE MOVIES CELEBRATE THESE NEGATIVE TRAITS (AND EVEN CREEPILY GOING OUT OF WAY TO JUSTIFY THEM AS BEING “THE WAY IT SHOULD BE” … MORE ON THIS LATER). TRULY,  FEMINIST HULK WOULD HAVE FIELD DAY WITH BOND MOVIES AND JUSTLY SO.

SO PART OF WATCHING BOND MOVIES ABOUT WATCHING THROUGH THAT SUBTEXT. THERE PART OF HULK’S BRAIN THAT GO “HOW RIDICULOUS THAT!” AND JUST SHRUG OFF. AND OFTEN THE SEXIST STUFF SO SERIOUSLY OVER THE TOP WHEN COMPARED TO TODAY, IT JUST SO EASY TO SHRUG OFF AS BEING STUPID. THERE NO WAY TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

WHAT HELP = THE ENTERTAINING PARTS TRULY ENTERTAINING. IN OFFERING WORST OF SLICK HOLLYWOOD ENTERTAINMENT THEY ALSO OFFER THE BEST. THE FILMMAKING USUALLY TOP NOTCH AND TRENDSETTING. THEY ALWAYS BEEN BIG AND BOMBASTIC. THE LOCATIONS ALWAYS WHOLLY SEDUCTIVE. THE ACTORS ALWAYS CARTOONISHLY DRIPPING WITH SEXUALITY. HULK ADMIT WATCHING BOND MOVIES WHOLLY “PORNOGRAPHIC” AND HULK NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT THE SULTRY, NAKED SILHOUETTE OPENINGS AND MORE IN TERMS OF “LIFESTYLE PORN”… IT MALES IN TOTAL CONTROL. *

BOND HIMSELF THE PORNOGRAPHIC VEHICLE, AND NOT JUST FOR HIS WIENER. WHAT BOND REPRESENT ABOUT BEING THE WORST OF MEN, HE ALSO THE BEST OF MEN: IMPOSSIBLY STRONG. HE FAR FROM A BLUNT BRUTE, HE INTELLIGENT. HE DEXTEROUS. HE DEBONAIR. HE CULTURED.

BUT BETTER YET, HE ALWAYS HIMSELF.

AND THAT WHY JAMES BOND ALWAYS REFRAIN FROM COVERT ESPIONAGE. THAT WHY HE RARELY HIDE IN DISGUISE. HE ONLY BOND, JAMES BOND… BECAUSE NOT ONLY THERE NO ONE BETTER, BUT THERE NO ONE ELSE WE WILL ACCEPT.

SO NOW THEN:

1. DR. NO (1962)

THE GREAT THING ABOUT DR. NO THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH THE NEXT 50 YEARS INFLUENCE THE FRANCHISE, THE FILM STILL COME OFF AS FRESH AND ORGANIC.  EVEN THOUGH THERE SO MANY MOMENTS THAT BECOME “CLICHED” LATER, THEY STILL FEEL LIKE LARGELY NEW IDEAS AND THAT AMAZING TO HULK. BETTER YET, HULK COULD NO BELIEVE HOW FULLY FORMED THE BOND FRANCHISE FEEL FROM BEGINNING. SO MANY BOND CONVENTIONS ALREADY IN PLACE, LIKE HOW HULK FORGOT DR. NO PART OF SPECTER. AND THE DEMURE NATURE OF DR. NO HIMSELF SORTA THE BEST PART. THEY SET UP A FEW HOURS OF BRAWLING THUGGERY AND THE SUDDEN GRACIOUSNESS/HOSPITALITY WHICH OFFERED TO BOND FEEL SO UNEXPECTED AND INTERESTING IN THE MOVIE. IN CONTEXT IT ACTUALLY REFRESHING TO SEE THIS BEAUTIFUL ISLAND LAIR. RARELY WAS SERIES ABLE TO CAPTURE THE SAME AND SUDDEN SENSE OF AWE (ODDLY ENOUGH, IT MOONRAKER THAT CAME CLOSEST AND THAT ONE KINDA SUCK). EVENTUALLY ALL THIS STUFF BECOME SO ROTE IN SERIES (LIKE FILMMAKERS JUST GOING THROUGH THEIR “BOND MOVIE CHECKLIST”, BUT IN “DR. NO” IT WORK SO WELL HULK SEE WHY BECOME CLICHE.

BEST MOMENT: FROM THE GREAT “THREE BLIND MICE” OPENING THAT STILL FEEL SO UNIQUE TO THIS VERY DAY. THERE BEEN MANY SIMILAR ATTEMPTS BUT ALL COME ACROSS AS HOKEY, OR, HEAVENS-TO-BETSY, RACIST.

JUST WAIT TIL YOU GUYS SEE "LIVE AND LET DIE"

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?:

1) URSALA ANDRESS AS HONEY RIDER. LET JUST BE HONEST, URSALA SET THE STANDARD. HONESTLY, HULK JUST ADORE THAT THEY TRY AND MAKE THIS MORE PALATABLE BY GIVE HER REAL NAME OF “HONEYCHILE” (THIS BEFORE THEY GIVE UP AND BASICALLY GO WITH “FEMALE ANATOMY MCSEXALOT” ). MORE INTERESTING THO IS THAT SHE ONE OF THE BETTER BOND GIRL PROTOTYPES. HONEY = THE GOOD GIRL WHO GET UNWITTINGLY INVOLVED IN BOND ADVENTURE, BUT STILL HAVE PERSONAL TRAGEDY AS RESULT OF MAIN VILLAIN. THESE OFTEN THE LEAST OFFENSIVE BOND GIRLS AND THEY USUALLY SHOW SOMETHING KIND AND BENEVOLENT, DESPITE APPROACHING A KIND OF VACUOUSNESS. OF COURSE, THERE A WAY THIS PURE, MADONNA-LIKE INNOCENCE JUST AS INGRATIATING. IT IT MADE ALL MORE PROBLEMATIC BECAUSE OF HER LATE INTRODUCTION IN THIRD ACT. ANYWAY, IT SOMEWHAT REMARKABLE THAT ONE OF  LEAST OFFENSIVE FEMALE IN THE BOND FRANCHISE SPEND ENTIRE TIME IN BIKINI.

FEMINISM

2) ZENA MARSHALL AS MISS TARO = THE FEMME FATALE WITHOUT HINT OF PERSONALITY. SHE WORKING FOR BAD GUYS SO SHE HAVE TRAP BOND TO KEEP HIM OCCUPIED FOR SOME REASON… BUT IT’S ALSO CLEAR SHE’S INTO HIM SORT OF… BUT IT’S ALSO CLEAR BOND JUST USING HER… SO HE JUST GO THROUGH MOTION AND BASICALLY DATE RAPE HER… THESE SORTS THINGS HAPPEN LOT IN BOND MOVIES… THERE CLEARLY ISSUES AT PLAY HERE (GOING BACK TO FLEMING’S BOOKS, BELIEVE IT OR NOT THE ANTI-WOMAN/ANTI-GAY/ANTI-LIBERAL STUFF IN THESE MOVIES ACTUALLY TONED DOWN FROM BOOKS… SO, YEAH).

NOT FEMINISM

3) EUNICE GAYSON AS SYLVIA TRENCH = SHE ACTUALLY ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITE LITTLE BLIPS IN THE BOND SERIES. SYLVIA EVEN SHOW UP AGAIN IN NEXT MOVIE AND IN BOTH SHE PLAY THE SAME BORED SOCIALITE WHO LIKE PLAYING THE FLIRTING GAME WITH BOND (THO ALWAYS END UP DOING IT). REASON IT SO GOOD CAUSE HER FLIRTATION SO CONVINCING. SHE ACTUALLY GOOD AT STONE-WALLING CONNERY, SO IT NOT SO OBVIOUS THEY JUST GOING TO DO IT IMMEDIATELY. THEIR INTERPLAY IDEAL FOR HIM AND MOST WELCOME.

WHEN THIS HEALTHIEST RELATIONSHIP YOU GOT PROBLEM

MOMENTS OF MISOGYNY: PRETTY MUCH THE ENTIRE MISS TARO PLOT LINE. PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING COMING OUT OF BOND’S MOUTH.

SUPPORTING CAST: WHAT GREAT THAT ALMOST ALL THE REGULARS OF FRANCHISE THERE FROM BEGINNING. 1) BERNARD LEE BEGINS HIS LONG REIGN AS M FROM VERY BEGINNING. 2) LOIS MAXWELL BEGINS AN IMPRESSIVE RUN AS REALLY THE ONE AND ONLY MONEYPENNY. IN THIS FILM IT’S SO NATURAL TO SEE HER PINING AND SMITTEN IN WHAT WILL TURN TO BE AT TIMES A GREAT RELATIONSHIP (AND SOMETIMES A FREAKING BIZARRE ONE). HULK MOSTLY REMEMBER HER “OLD MAID” STATE IN LATER FILMS SO IT GREAT SEE HER SO FRESH FACED HERE. SHE RATHER FETCHING. 3) JACK LORD MAKE FIRST AND ONLY APPEARANCE AS CIA AGENT FELIX LITER AND LATER GO ON TO HAWAII 5-0 FAME. 4) JOHN KITZMILLER AS QUARREL ODDLY ENOUGH THE LEAST OFFENSIVE “GENERIC BLACK GUY PAIRED WITH JAMES BOND TO HELP DRIVE HIM AND AROUND IN STUFF” IN THE SERIES. REALLY, THESE GUYS A DIME A DOZEN. IT BASICALLY THERE TO SHOW JAMES BOND COOL WITH MINORITIES AND STUFF. BUT HECK, QUARREL EVEN GOT DEATH SCENE THAT ACTUALLY MAKE YOU FEEL SAD INSTEAD OF NONPLUSSED. SO THAT SOMETHING. AND 5) HULK LOVES JOSEPH WISEMAN’S BROAD TV-SERIAL LIKE TAKE ON THE CARTOONISH DR. NO. IT NOT ONLY SET TONE FOR SERIES BUT HE SEEM HAVING GREAT FUN WITH IT.

DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: FOUR HULK SMASHES OUT OF FIVE!

BETTY’S TAKE: “I’m in love with Sean Connery’s thighs”

ENDNOTES:

* – THIS SAME REASON PEOPLE WATCH ENTOURAGE. ONLY ENTOURAGE TERRIBLE AND NOT FUNNY.