HULK WROTE AN EMERGENCY COLUMN THIS WEEK ON THE UNCALLED FOR VITRIOL LOBBED UPON THE FIRST EPISODE OF HBO’S GIRLS (WHICH PRETTY GREAT).

http://badassdigest.com/2012/04/18/film-crit-hulk-smash-hulk-vs.-the-girls-criticism/

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SEE? HULK HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR.

SO YESTERDAY HULK POSTED AN ARTICLE ABOUT THE SEXISM OF ARKHAM CITY THAT HULK THOUGHT WAS FAIR, AND YES, A TAD OVER-SMASHY. THE ARTICLE THEN GOT LINKED BY A BUNCH OF VIDEO GAME SITES AND EVERYTHING WENT TO HELL. IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE (60% OR SO) AGREED OR FOUND THE ARTICLE TO BE AN INTERESTING TALKING POINT. HULK THANK THESE PEOPLE SINCERELY. SPECIFICALLY THE COMMENT CONTRIBUTIONS OF (NEW?) HULK-READERS BILL GRAHAM AND JESSICA PRICE. AND AMONG THEM WERE PEOPLE WHO DISAGREED TO VARYING LEVELS. SOME OF THIS DISAGREEMENT WAS WELL-ARGUED AND FANTASTIC… AND SOME WHICH WAS NOT. HULK WAS NATURALLY INUNDATED WITH INSULTS, HATE MAIL, AND ONE ACTUAL THREAT TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME WITH A LEAD PIPE… FROM SOMEONE WHO HASN’T HAD A CHANCE TO PLAY THE GAME YET…. YIKES.

TYPICALLY WHEN THIS HAPPENS PEOPLE EITHER GET ANGRY RIGHT BACK AND BEGIN MAKING FUN OF THESE PEOPLE. OR THEY HAVE A MUCH HEALTHIER REACTION AND JUST BRUSH IT OFF AND GO ABOUT THEIR DAY. BOTH REACTIONS ARE UNDERSTANDABLE.

HERE’S THE THING… THIS KIND OF VITRIOL HAS NEVER REALLY HAPPENED WITH HULK’S ARTICLES BEFORE. WHILE HULK OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY, HULK CAN ASSURE YOU THAT HULK ENJOYS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE FALLOUT OF THE ARTICLE. HULK TAKES ABSOLUTELY NO DELIGHT IN PISSING PEOPLE OFF. NONE. IT NOT HULK’S PERSONALITY. HULK IS NOT AN INSTIGATOR. IN FACT, IT BOTHERED HULK SO MUCH THAT HULK WAS UP ALL NIGHT THINKING ABOUT.

NOW THIS ISN’T BECAUSE HULK CAN’T DEAL WITH DISAGREEMENT, OR THAT HULK CAN’T DEAL WITH STUPID PEOPLE, OR THAT HULK WAS WRESTLING WITH FACT THAT HULK’S MAYBE POINT IS SOMEHOW WRONG… WHAT IT HAS TO DO WITH IS THE FACT THAT HULK COMES AT ALL THINGS FROM AN EDUCATION PERSPECTIVE. IT IS INGRAINED. IT IS THE SOLE PURPOSE OF EVERYTHING HULK DOES (BUT MORE ON THAT AT THE END).

SO WHAT BOTHERED HULK WAS THAT THE INTENTION AND NUANCE OF HULK’S MESSAGE WAS LOST.

AS SUCH, HULK WANTS TO CLARIFY SOME THINGS TO THE FOLKS WHO DISAGREED.

PREFACE I – REMEMBER, HULK LIKES THE GAME! DON’T FORGET THAT! HULK JUST TALKING ABOUT ONE ELEMENT OF IT. HULK ACTUALLY RECOMMENDS EVERYONE OF AGE SHOULD PLAY IT AND JUST BE AWARE OF THE SEXISM WEIRDNESS. HULK’S POINT NOT TO DISSUADE YOU FROM PARTICIPATING. HULK’S POINT IS TO SPEAK TO VIDEO GAME DEVELOPERS AND SAY THIS ONE ARGUMENT IS NOT ACCEPTED BY SOME PEOPLE YOU ASSUME ARE THE “TARGET AUDIENCE.” SPEAKING UP IMPORTANT.

PREFACE II – FOR  THOSE WHO DID NOT GET HULK’S POINT BECAUSE THEY DID NOT REALLY READ/SKIMMED THE ARTICLE, YOU ARE PREVENTING YOURSELF FROM BEING THE SUBJECT OF THIS RESPONSE. OF THE HUNDREDS OF COMMENTS THERE WERE MANY PEOPLE WHO CITED THINGS HULK DIRECTLY ACCOUNTED FOR IN THE ORIGINAL POST. SO GOING FORWARD YOU HAVE TO GET UP TO SPEED TO PARTICIPATE.

PREFACE III – YOU MAY NOT KNOW BUT HULK HAS HAD A LONG STANDING POLICY OF ENGAGING AND UNDERSTANDING WITH THE COMMENTATORS. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IT’S REALLY BEEN TESTED IN SUCH CAPACITY AND WITH A FEW CASES OF SHEER TROLL-ISM. BUT HULK ASSURE YOU, EVERYTHING HERE IS IN THE INTEREST OF CLARITY.

PREFACE IV – HULK NOT LOOKING TO CREATE ENEMIES, SO HERE’S WHAT HULK WANTS YOU DO IF YOU STRONGLY DISAGREE. JUST TRY ON THE THINKING. DON’T BE DEFENSIVE. DON’T ASSUME HULK IS AN IDIOT OR LOOKING TO COMPLAIN. JUST TRY ON THE THINKING. THAT’S ALL HULK ASK.

PREFACES ALL SET? OKAY COOL.

SO HERE WERE THE ARGUMENTS LOBBED AGAINST HULK.

ARGUMENT #1 – THAT’S HOW PSYCHOPATHIC CRIMINALS WOULD ACT!

THIS ARGUMENT BY FAR THE MOST POPULAR COUNTERARGUMENT AGAINST HULK’S ARTICLE. HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE HAVE CHIMED IN WITH SOME VARIOUS FORM OF THIS SENTIMENT.

OKAY. LET’S START THIS WITH A QUESTION. HOW OFTEN DID THE BAD GUY CHARACTERS IN NOLAN’S THE DARK KNIGHT USE THE WORD BITCH?

DID THE JOKER?  DID TWO-FACE? NOPE. IN FACT, THERE IS ONLY ONE UTTERANCE OF THE WORD AND THAT IS WHEN LT. GORDON SAYS “WE GOT YOU YOU SON OF A BITCH” WHEN CAPTURING THE JOKER. THAT’S IT. WHEN HULK MENTIONED THIS TO PEOPLE A LOT OF THEM WERE SURPRISED…. HULK WASN’T SURPRISED.

WHY IS THAT NOLAN NEVER USES THE WORD? HOW IS IT THAT NOLAN IS ABLE TO CREATE A “DARK/GRITTY” (AND PERHAPS BEST) VERSION OF THE BATMAN STORY WITHOUT USING THE WORD LIKE THAT CHARACTERIZE WOMEN. ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE ARE SEVERAL OPPORTUNITIES FOR THE BAD GUYS TO TRY AND TERRIFY WOMEN AND SHOW THEIR SUPPOSED PSYCHOPATHY?

THAT’S BECAUSE NOLAN IS A SMART GUY AND UNDERSTANDS THAT THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE VIOLENT AND SCARY. CALLING SOMEONE A BITCH EVERY FIVE SECONDS IS ACTUALLY A VERY POOR WAY OF GOING ABOUT IT. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT NOLAN IS CLEARLY AWARE OF THE LARGER CONTEXT OF THE WORD AND THE CARE THAT IT NEEDS TO BE USED WITH. HULK ARGUES THE DEPICTION OF THE JOKER IS FAR SCARIER AND MORE UNSETTLING THAN ANYTHING IN ARKHAM CITY AND IT DOESN’T RESORT TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR OF SEXIST DIALOGUE.

THIS THEREFORE ANSWERS THE QUESTION HULK GOT OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH THIS ARGUMENT: “WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE RATHER HAVE HAD THEM SAY?” HULK SAYS TURN TO NOLAN. THERE’S A MILLION WAYS TO CONVEY MALEVOLENCE. THE IDEA THAT CALLING A GIRL A BITCH IS THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE IT CLEAR SOMEONE HATES WOMEN IS ABSURD. IN FACT, SOMEONE WHO WRITES CHARACTERS LIKE THAT MAKES HULK THINK THEIR SEXIST. HENCE HULK’S ENTIRE REACTION IN THE FIRST PLACE.

PEOPLE ALSO ASKED “SHOULD THEY MAKE THE BAD GUYS CHIVALROUS INSTEAD?” OF COURSE NOT. AGAIN, LOOK TO NOLAN.

NOW, AS TO CRUX THIS ARGUMENT, YES, WITHIN THE SINGULAR LOGIC OF CHARACTER IT WOULD MAKE TOTAL SENSE FOR A FELON TO CALL SOMEONE A BITCH. OF COURSE IT WOULD! IN NO WAY IS HULK EVER SAYING THAT IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BUT JUST BECAUSE IT MAKES SENSE DOESN’T MEAN IT IS THEREFORE A GOOD CHOICE. WHAT HULK IS SPEAKING TO IS THE FACT THAT TOSSING ARE AROUND THE WORD BITCH IS ALL THEY SEEM TO BE ABLE TO DO. CONSTANTLY. AND WITH CAVALIER QUALITY THAT IS UNBECOMING. IT DOESN’T COME OFF AS SCARY. OR INDICATIVE OF PERSONALITY. IN SOME CASES IT’S CLEARLY MEANT TO BE FUNNY. HULK HAPPY TO LOOK OVER A CASE HERE OR THERE, BUT WHEN IT IS AS RAMPANT AS IT IS IN THE FIRST FEW HOURS OF THIS GAME, THEN YES, IT COMES OFF WEIRD AND SEXIST. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

ARGUMENT #2 –  IT’S TRYING TO BE REALISTIC! (AND HOW REALISM MEANS GRITTY FOR SOME REASON)

WHEN EVERYONE WAS ARGUING FOR ALL THE BITCH TALK THE WORD THEY KEPT THROWING AROUND AS JUSTIFICATION WAS HOW THE GAME WAS STRIVING FOR “REALISM”… UM… WHAT?!?!? SO LET’S GO TO THE LARGER QUESITON FIRST. HOW IS ARKHAM CITY REALISTIC? IT’S NOT. IT FEATURES A CRAZY HYPER-REALIZED WORLD. SO LET’S STOP USING THAT WORD THAT WAY. OKAY? COOL.

WHAT THEY’RE REALLY SAYING IS THEY WANT THE GAME TO BE DARK AND GRITTY. THAT’S FINE. BUT LET’S NOT INSULT REALITY… ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT? HULK ACTUALLY FINDS THE CONFUSION TOO WEIRD NOT TO TALK ABOUT. WHY THE HECK IS DARK AND GRITTY CONSTRUED AS REALISTIC? IT SORT OF HAS TO DO WITH COMIC HISTORY. WHEN COMICS SHIFTED AWAY FROM THE POP-BIG-WORLD SENSIBILITIES OF SILVER AGE COMICS THROUGH BRONZE AND INTO MODERN AGE, COMICS SLOWLY DROPPED MORE FANTASTICAL ELEMENTS FOR THINGS THAT FELT LIKE REAL LIFE. THIS CHANGE WAS ACCOMPANIED BY A LEASE ON STANDARDS THAT ALLOWED FOR RISE IN VIOLENCE. THE TWO, WHILE SOMETIMES BEING RELATED (THE 80’S WERE A VIOLENT DECADE FOR AMERICAN CITIES), THEY ARE ACTUALLY UNRELATED BECAUSE CORRELATION DOES NOT MEAN CAUSE. BUT BECAUSE THEY ARE COUPLED TOGETHER IN THE CURRENT PROMINENCE OF COMIC BOOK-DOM WE MISTAKE THEM FOR BEING THE SAME THING.

THEY ARE NOT.

NOW LET’S GET SPECIFIC. LET’S PRETEND THIS WHOLE “REALISM” THING IS ACTUALLY WHAT IS MEANT AS THE INTENTION AND CONSIDER ARGUMENT #1 AGAIN…

THERE IS THIS WEIRD UNILATERAL THINKING THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SAY IT’S REALISTIC THAT THAT IS “HOW CRIMINALS WOULD ACT!” FIRST, THIS ASSUMES EVERY SINGLE MURDEROUS THUG IN ARKHAM IS ALSO SOMEHOW A RAPIST TOO (A LOT OF GANGS ARE NOT TOO KEEN ON IT FOR EXAMPLE, THOUGH YES, OF COURSE SOME ARE). PLUS THERE’S THE IDEA THAT EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS PRISON (ASIDE FROM POLITICAL PRISONERS) IS ONE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED MURDEROUS RAPIST THUGS.

NOW DOES HULK CARE THAT A GAME DOES THIS? ACTUALLY, NO.

BUT IT’S RELEVANT AS SHIT WHEN EVERYONE KEEPS DISAGREEING SAYING THE GAME IS TRYING TO BE “REALISTIC.”

BECAUSE HULK HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT THAT’S NOT HOW ACTUAL CRIMINALS ARE IN PRISON POPULATIONS. NOT BY A LONG SHOT. IF YOU’RE SO CONCERNED WITH REALISM THEN YOU’D OBVIOUSLY REALIZE THAT THEY ARE HUMAN BEINGS. DEEPLY FLAWED HUMAN BEINGS. SOMETIMES BROKEN HUMAN BEINGS. SOMETIMES HUMAN BEINGS WHO ARE CAPABLE OF DOING THE WORST THINGS ONE CAN DO ANOTHER. THEIR REASONS FOR DOING SO, THEIR SOCIOPATHY, THEIR SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS. THEY ARE ALL PART OF A HUMAN STORY, OFTEN TRAGEDY. AND THAT STORY EXISTS ON A GRAY SCALE OF HUMAN EXISTENCE. AND THEN THERE’S THE FACT THAT MOST OF THEM ARE THERE BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO GET HIGH.

HULK IS NOT ASKING YOU TO PITY ANY OF THEM. WE PUT PEOPLE IN PRISON FOR A REASON. BUT YOU CANNOT IN WAY REFER TO THE DISPLAY OF THUGS IN ARKHAM CITY AS “REALISTIC” AND EXPECT TO BE ACCURATE. REALISM IS NEVER ONE-NOTE.

CAN THERE BE A PERSON WHO IS LIKE THE THUGS ON DISPLAY HERE? OF COURSE. BUT LIKE THE UBIQUITY OF THE WORD BITCH THE PROBLEM ARRIVES WITH THE UBIQUITY OF THE MURDEROUS RAPIST THUG… AGAIN… IT IS NOT REALISTIC.

NOW, LET’S QUALIFY WHY HULK SAYING THIS. ARKHAM CITY IS UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO TURN MINDLESS THUGS INTO ROUNDED CHARACTERS. OF COURSE IT’S NOT. IT WOULD BE UNREASONABLE FOR HULK TO EXPECT SO. HULK KNOWS IT’S IS A HEIGHTENED WORLD AND THAT’S TOTALLY FINE (AND BTW, THE HEIGHTENED WORLD DOES NOT DISMISS THE “BITCH ARGUMENT” BUT THAT’S CLARIFIED IN THE TONE ARGUMENT LATER). BUT WHEN YOU CLING TO THE LOGIC OF REALISM AS A GROUNDS FOR DEFENSE OF ONE-NOTE CHARACTERIZATION, YOU DO NOT HAVE A A LEG TO STAND ON.

IF YOU WANT REALISM, YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.

ARGUMENT #3 – YOU’RE ADVOCATING CENSORSHIP!

UGH. FIRST OFF, HOW ANYONE COULD ACCUSE HULK OF WANTING CENSORSHIP OF THE GAME WHEN IN THE ARTICLE WHERE JUSTIFIES / THROWS HEAPS OF PRAISE ON STRAW DOGS IS BEYOND HULK.

BUT LET’S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY AT NO POINT IN THIS ARTICLE THAT HULK ARGUED THEY CAN’T MAKE A GAME LIKE THIS OR THAT A CERTAIN WORD SHOULD NEVER BE USED. EVER. THE GAME HAS EVERY RIGHT TO EXIST AND EVERY RIGHT TO USE THE WORDS IT DOES.

BUT FREEDOM OF SPEECH DOES NOT MEAN FREEDOM FROM RESPONSE. WE’VE EVEN HAD VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES CONFUSE THE TWO. THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO MAKE THE GAME UNCENSORED AND HULK HAS EVERY RIGHT TO CALL IT SEXIST AND JUVENILE. THAT’S THE RELATIONSHIP OF OUR SPEECH. HULK ACTUALLY HAD SOMEONE SAY THAT HULK SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO WRITE THE THINGS HULK DID PRIOR ARTICLE… WHICH IS NOT ONLY SOMEBACKWARDS THAT IT MAKES HULK’S BRAIN HURT, BUT IT DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THE BASIC PROCESS OF WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING HERE. IT IS A DIALOGUE

FOR THE RECORD, HULK IS FULLY AWARE THIS IS A TWO-WAY STREET IN TERMS OF POLITICAL SKEWING. FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN PEOPLE WERE PICKETING MATTHEW SHEPARD’S FUNERAL WITH SIGNS SAYING “MATT IS BURNING IN HELL!” HULK HAD FRIEND SAY NO ONE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DO THAT. OF COURSE THEY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DO THAT, EVEN IF IT’S SOMETHING HULK FINDS DISGUSTING. CONVERSELY, HULK TOLD THIS FRIEND THEY ARE ALLOWED TO GO RIGHT UP TO THEM AND STAND THERE WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS “PEOPLE WHO THINK MATT IS BURNING HELL SHOULD BURN IN HELL!”… THAT’S HOW FREEDOM OF SPEECH WORKS.

AND FOR THE RECORD, HULK HAS NO INTEREST IN BEING THE P.C. POLICE.

THOSE WHO SAY EVERYONE IS “SO AFRAID TO BE SEXIST OR POLITICALLY INCORRECT” ARE NOT ACCURATE. THEY ARE AFRAID TO SAY THINGS BECAUSE PEOPLE JUMP DOWN THEIR THROAT FOR SAYING STUPID THINGS IN UNCALLED FOR CONTEXTS. NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE BEING POLITICALLY INCORRECT. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. IT’S WHY A COMIC CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING NON-PC, BUT “YOU” FEEL THAT YOU CANNOT. HULK SAYS POLITICALLY INCORRECT THINGS ALL THE TIME. BUT THERE IS A CONTEXT TO IT AND A DIALOGUE. AND THUS HULK IS NEVER AFRAID TO SAY ANYTHING.

ARGUMENT #4 -YOU’RE GETTING PISSED ABOUT THIS? IT’S SO NOT A BIG DEAL! THERE’S SO MANY BIGGER DEALS IN THE WORLD! SOMEONE IS GETTING RAPED RIGHT NOW!

AHHH, IF ISN’T HULK’S OLD FRIEND MORAL RELATIVISM.

IF YOU ARE NOT AWARE, MORAL RELATIVISM WORKS LIKE THIS: YOU DISCOUNT ANY ARGUMENT WHERE PEOPLE GET PISSED ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS BY POINTING OUT THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT ISSUES TO GET PISSED AT…  THAT’S IT REALLY.

BUT LET’S ADDRESS IT ANYWAY, SHALL WE? FIRST OFF, YES YOU ARE CORRECT. THERE ARE MANY OTHER MUCH BIGGER ISSUES IN THE WORLD. IN FACT, IF YOU BROUGHT SOME OF THESE BIGGER THINGS UP, HULK WOULD LOVE TO DISCUSS IT WITH YOU. LET’S TALK ABOUT THE SOCIO-ECONOMIC CONSTRUCTS OF SOUTH AMERICA AND HOW NO ONE SEEMS TO BE AWARE OF THE FACT WE’RE RECONSTRUCTING THE BANANA REPUBLICS? LET’S TALK ABOUT THE WORLD’S ECONOMIC DOWNTURN AND HOW THE OUTLOOK IS PREDICATED ON SEVERAL FACTORS WHICH IN FACT HAVE NO BASIS IN REALITY, FOR EXAMPLE THE FAR-TOO-HIGH PROJECTION OF OIL RESERVES IN THE MIDDLE EAST AND THE FALSE NOTION THAT CHINA’S ECONOMY STRONG. OH, WAIT, NOT INTERESTED?

THAT’S BECAUSE THIS IS A BLOG ABOUT MOVIES AND COMICS AND SHIT. AND NOT ONLY IS THAT OKAY, IT IS A) FUN B) HULK’S SPECIALTY WITH WHICH HULK CAN IMPART GOOD INFORMATION C) A GOOD WAY TO SPEND TIME NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT OTHER HORRIFYING STUFF AND D) A PLACE WHERE BRINGING THINGS LIKE THE NUANCE OF SEXISM IS STILL TOTALLY VALUABLE JUST IN A DIFFERENT KIND OF WAY.

OUTRAGE AND DISCOURSE TAKE MANY FORMS.

ARGUMENT #5 – YOU’RE JUST A PRUDE!

HULK WOULD LIKE RE-POINT YOU TO THE SECTION OF THE ARTICLE DEALING WITH STRAW DOGS. HULK WOULD ALSO INVITE YOU TO READ THE OTHER ARTICLES ON THE BLOG… THAT ALONE SHOULD CLEAR THIS ACCUSATION UP.

STILL NO? OKAY.

WHAT’S KIND OF HILARIOUS IS THAT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME HULK HAS EVER BEEN CALLED A PRUDE IN HULK’S LIFE. HULK’S MIND DRIFTS ALL OVER SOME SORDID AND SILLY BEHAVIORS OF HULK’S YOUTH AND GETS WISTFUL JUST THINKING ABOUT. WHY SOME WERE EVEN CALLING HULK A BAPTIST PREACHER AMONG OTHER, UM, WORSE THINGS.

THIS IS HILARIOUS CAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW HULK’S TASTE IN MOVIES. DO HULK A FAVOR AND LOOK TWO (NSFW) MOVIES BY ALEXANDRO JODOROWSKY CALLED EL TOPO AND HOLY MOUNTAIN. THEY ARE TWO OF THE MOST BAT SHIT MOVIES YOU WILL EVER SEE. THEY DEAL WITH A VAST ARRAY OF CRAZY THINGS MANY OF WHICH ARE NOT ONLY HYPER SEXUAL, BUT LEGITIMATELY CRAZY.

SO HOW CAN HULK NOT CALL THOSE MOVIES SEXIST? WELL… LIKE STRAW DOGS THERE IS NO NEAT WAY TO WRAP A BOW ON THE SEXISM OF THOSE MOVIES.,BUT WHAT IT IS STILL, IS INTERESTING. IT EXPLORES CONCEPTS AND ICONOGRAPHY AND GRAY SCALES AND EVEN GOES ABOUT IT’S BUSINESS IN THE MOST NON P.C. WAY POSSIBLE. BUT IT PROVIDES INTELLECTUAL CONTEXT.

ALL HULK REQUIRES IS THAT IT IS INTERESTING. THAT’S ALL IT TAKES. AND TO BE INTERESTING THE CRUX OF THE ARGUMENT CANNOT BE EXPLAINED IN A ONE-NOTE PHILOSOPHY.

AND NOW THAT HULK HAS SUFFICIENTLY DISPENSED WITH THAT RUMOR ABOUT HULK’S PRUDISHNESS (FOR POOP’S SAKE HULK CLOTHES TEAR OFF HULK’S BODY REGULARLY) LET’S TALK ABOUT THE IDEA THAT JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE TALKS ABOUT FEMINISM AND SEXISM THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY A PRUDE.

IT IS UNTRUE IN EVERY SINGLE CASE.

GOOD TALK!

ARGUMENT #6 – IT’S JUST AIMING AT A TARGET AUDIENCE!

ISN’T IT FUNNY HOW OFTEN THE PEOPLE DEFENDING SOMETHING AS “BEING FOR A TARGET AUDIENCE” ARE OFTEN IN SAID TARGET AUDIENCE?

HULK’S NOT HERE TO PERSONALLY ACCUSE PEOPLE OF ANYTHING, SO LET’S NOT EVEN GET INTO THAT RIGHT NOW, BUT HULK JUST IS HERE TO SAY ONE SIMPLE THING:

BATMAN DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU.

BATMAN BELONGS TO EVERYONE. THE CHARACTER HAS SURVIVED GENERATIONS IN A HUNDRED DIFFERENT ITERATIONS AND WE ALL HAVE A VERSION WE LIKE BEST AND RELATE TO.

NOW, FOR THE LAST TIME, THIS IS NOT TO ARGUE THAT A BATMAN MOVIE CAN’T BE DARK OR GRITTY OR WHATEVER THE HELL ELSE. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE LEGO BATMAN. HECK, HULK LOVES A LOT OF THE GRITTY BATMAN STUFF (WHEN THERE’S AN INTERESTING TONE/CONTEXT), BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT HULK IS OBJECTING TO. WE HAVE TO GIVE UP THIS IDEA OF OWNERSHIP BECAUSE WHEN WE THINK SOMETHING IS JUST FOR “US” WE CAN’T STAND FOR IT WHEN PEOPLE DISLIKE IT WHO ARE NOT THE “US.” AND MAYBE THE OTHER AUDIENCE HAS SOMETHING LEGITIMATE TO SAY.

LET’S NEVER FORGET, EVEN IF YOU ARE AN ADULT AND LOVE BATMAN.

… KIDS LOVE BATMAN TOO.

ARGUMENT #7 – YOU’RE ALL LIKE “OH NOES THE CHILDREN!” BUT IT’S THE PARENTS RESPONSIBILITY….

HULK REGRETS HOW THIS WAS WRITTEN ON THE BLOG. THE INDIGNATION. THE IMAGE OF ALL THE KIDS BUYING THE GAME MADE IT SEEM LIKE SAPPY STUFF. THAT WASN’T HULK’S INTENTION SO HULK APOLOGIZE. HULK JUST WANTS TO MAKE A FEW THINGS CLEAR.

HULK’S INDIGNATION WITH THE WHOLE KID THING ISN’T A MATTER OF RATINGS (THOUGH THE RATED-T IS AN ISSUE). BUT ABOUT THE GAMES FUNDAMENTAL BI-POLARITY WHEN IT COMES TO THE GAME THEY ARE MAKING. IN MANY WAYS, THE GAME IS NOT THAT DARK AND TOTALLY “T” FOR TEEN APPROPRIATE AND THEN THE STUFF ON DISPLAY WITH SEXISM IS COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER WITH THE REST OF THAT PG13-ISH GAME.

WHICH MEANS HULK’S BIGGER PROBLEM IS THAT THERE WAS NO WAY TO SEE THIS BIPOLARITY AHEAD OF TIME.

AS FOR THE ARGUMENT THAT THIS GAME WASN’T MEANT FOR KIDS? WRONG.

THEY MARKET THE SHIT OUT OF BATMAN TO KIDS.

HULK DID A LITTLE RESEARCH TODAY. DISNEY CHANNEL. NICKELODEON. GUESS WHICH GAME WAS BEING ADVERTISED? CONSTANTLY. ARKHAM CITY. HULK KNOWS THE CABLE STANDARDS RULES VERY WELL AND RATED-T GAMES CAN TOTALLY GO IN THIS KIND OF “FAMILY” PROGRAMMING. THE GAME MAY HAVE BEEN “MADE” FOR A SO-CALLED TARGET AUDIENCE, BUT THE ACTUAL AUDIENCE OF THE GAME IS HUGE AND VARIED, THROUGH BOTH GENDERS AND ALL AGES.

WHICH MEANS THAT BATMAN COMES WITH A RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE IT CLEAR WHICH BATMAN THEY’RE GETTING.

IN THE LEAD UP TO THE RELEASE OF THE DARK KNIGHT, THE MEDIA WAS ACTUALLY VERY MINDFUL IN TELLING PEOPLE THAT THE FILM HAD A DARKER TONE (SPECIFICALLY IN COMPARISON BATMAN BEGINS) AND TO BE PRECARIOUS WITH THE SITUATION OF TAKING TEENS/KIDS.

BUT NO ONE WAS TALKING ABOUT ARKHAM CITY (AND DEFINITELY NOT IN TERMS OF SEXISM).

SO WHAT WAS A PARENT SUPPOSED TO DO? MOST PARENTS DON’T PLAY VIDEO GAMES SO HOW WOULD THEY KNOW IF IT’S OKAY FOR THEIR KID? EVEN IF THEY WATCHED THEIR KID PLAY THE LAST GAME, HULK BELIEVES THERE IS A WAY THE LAST GAME IS KIND OF APPROPRIATE FOR CERTAIN AGED KIDS AND THIS NEW ONE IS TOTALLY NOT APPROPRIATE FOR THE SAME KID. HOW IS ONE SUPPOSED TO RECONCILE THAT?

HULK DOESN’T HAVE AN ANSWER MIND YOU. THIS IS ULTIMATELY A VERY SPECIFIC, VERY WEIRD PROBLEM. IT’S DIFFICULT REALLY. BUT IT’S CERTAINLY A QUESTION WORTH BRINGING UP.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HULK NEVER IMPLIED THAT VIDEO GAMES “CREATE” BEHAVIOR. THAT IS A FALLACY.  HULK IS TALKING ABOUT INSIDIOUS CHARACTERIZATION WHICH IN LARGE AMOUNTS CREATE CONTEXTS THAT LEAD TO CERTAIN MODES OF THINKING. WHICH MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT LEAD TO BEHAVIORS. THERE IS AN OBVIOUS, THOUGH NUANCED DIFFERENCE.

AND AGAIN, HULK’S BIG ISSUE IS LESS THAT IT’S “DARK” AND MORE THAT IT’S JUST “STUPID.”

ARGUMENT #8 – YOU MUST NOT READ THE COMICS BECAUSE…

UMM… THIS IS FILM CRIT HULK HERE. HULK HAS READ MORE COMICS THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.

THIS SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME TO DO THAT THING COMIC NERDS DO WHEN SOMEONE QUESTIONS THEIR COMIC BOOK ACUMEN AND SAY “UH, SORRY BUT HULK HAS NO-PRIZE!” SO YEAH. HULK GOT A NO-PRIZE WHEN HULK WAS YOUNGER. IT’S NOT LIKE THIS PROVES ANY ACTUAL SUBSTANCE EXCEPT TO SAY THAT, YES, HULK HAS READ A SHIT TON OF COMICS.

SO LET’S GET TO THE POINT OF PEOPLE BRINGING UP THE COMICS. LET’S TALK ABOUT FRANK MILLER.

FOR THOSE UNAWARE, FRANK MILLER WROTE THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS AND SEVERAL OTHER BATMAN TALES WHICH ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SHIFTING THE TONE OF BATMAN COMICS FROM SOMETHING LIKE THE OLD TV-SHOW TO SUPER GRIZZLY DARK… OKAY IT WASN’T THAT DRAMATIC A SHIFT (THE BRONZE AGE WAS MORE GRADUAL THEN PEOPLE REMEMBER), BUT HE DID GO SUPER GRIZZLY DARK AND BROUGHT COMICS INTO THE NEW MODERN AGE.

FRANK MILLER’S COMICS ARE FILLED WITH LOTS OF GRIZZLY, SEXIST BEHAVIOR. RAPE. TORTURE. ETC. BUT HERE IS WHERE THE PESKY MATTER OF CONTEXT COMES IN. LIKE EL TOPO, ETC. FRANK MILLER’S COMICS DEAL WITH VERY SPECIFIC STORYTELLING CONTEXTS AND IDEAS. MILLER, SORT OF LIKE PECKINPAH, IS FREQUENTLY FOCUSED ON THE MALE INTERPRETATION AND FEAR OF SEXUAL DEVIANCY AND FALSE PURITY, BUT THERE ARE A MILLION INTERESTING WAYS YOU CAN DISCUSS MILLER’S WORK. HULK NOT DEFENDING THE WORK EITHER. THE POSITIVE CHARACTERIZATION IS TENUOUS AT BEST. BUT AGAIN, IT IS TEXTURED AND DEEP.

ARKHAM CITY IS NOT.

ARGUMENT #9 – LOGIC VS. TONE VS. CONTEXT

OKAY… LET’S TRY THIS ONE MORE TIME.

SO MANY ARGUMENTS AGAINST HULK WERE BUILD AROUND THE EVENTS THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN AND NOT WHAT HULK WAS ARGUING WAS THE PROBLEM: THE TONE. NOW THIS IS ACTUALLY A FAIRLY COMMON PROBLEM IN MOST ARGUMENTS WHERE SOMEONE IS TALKING ABOUT SUBTEXT, BUT IT IS HULK’S RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE IT CLEAR.

IN SIMPLEST TERMS, TONE ISN’T ABOUT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS (THE TEXT), BUT HOW A MOMENT FEELS (SUBTEXT). NOW HULK IMAGINES THAT YOU’D ARGUE HOW SOMETHING FEELS IS TOTALLY SUBJECTIVE. OF COURSE IT IS. BUT THERE IS A WAY TO TALK ABOUT SUBJECTIVE THINGS IN AS CONCRETE TERMS AS POSSIBLE. DOING SO COHERENTLY IS, NOT TO BE A DICK, WHAT WE CALL BUILDING AN ARGUMENT.

AND THE WAY YOU BUILD AN ARGUMENT ABOUT TONE IS TO QUALIFY THE FOLLOWING: 1) WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING 2) WHAT IS THE FEELING OF THE SCENE 3) WHAT IS THE AUTHORS TREATMENT OF SIMILAR EVENTS 4) THUS WHAT IS THE IMPLIED INTENTION OF THE AUTHOR NOT ONLY DECIDING WHAT HAPPENS, BUT THE CHOICES FOR THE FEELINGS THEY CREATED (AND YES SOMETIMES THE TONE IS ACCIDENTAL BUT STILL VERY MUCH THEIR RESPONSIBLITY). DOING ALL FOUR IS WHAT ESTABLISHES WHAT WE CAN FINALLY CALL CONTEXT.

SO YES, MANY TIMES THE LOGIC OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN PART 1 WAS FINE, BUT COUPLED PARTS 2, 3, AND 4 IT IS FAR MORE TROUBLING. THERE WERE A NUMBER OF READERS WHO ACTED AS IF TRYING TO DECIPHER THE AUTHOR’S INTENTION (PART 4) IS AKIN TO MIND-READING AND THUS ABSURD… THAT IS NOT THE CASE. WHILE YOU CANNOT NOT ASSUME WITH 100% CERTAINTY THAT ANYTHING WAS ANYONE’S INTENTION, BUT THERE IS NO DENYING THE IMPLICATIONS OF THE FINAL RESULTS. THIS IS A FUNDAMENTAL RULE OF SEMIOTICS. ANYONE IS PERFECTLY WELCOME TO SPECULATE AS TO THE AUTHOR’S INTENTION BASED ON THE EVIDENCE AND NOT EXTRAPOLATED HYPOTHETICAL LOGIC.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, THE IDEA IS THAT CONTEXT IS A COMPLEX AND ALL-ENCOMPASSING THING THAT CANNOT BE SUFFICIENTLY ARGUED WHEN ONLY REFERENCING DIRECT TEXT.

LOOK AT HOW MANY PREVIOUS ARGUMENTS THIS PLAYS INTO? ALMOST ALL OF THEM (BUT PARTICULARLY THE FIRST ARGUMENT).

THE PROBLEM IS THAT PEOPLE TREAT ARGUMENTS AS A SINGULAR TETE E TETE OF LOGIC GOING BACK AND FORTH LIKE A TENNIS BALL. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. THE SCOPE OF ARGUMENTS ARE LARGE, MASSIVE, HULKING. WHEN MAKING ANY ONE POINT THERE ARE A HUNDRED OTHER RELEVANT POINTS THAT TIE INTO WHAT ONE IS SAYING EXACTLY AND YOU HAVE TO ACCOUNT FOR THE ONES THAT MATTER (THIS IS WHY HULK ARTICLES ARE SO FREAKING LONG). IT’S ABOUT HOW THE BIG PICTURE LOOKS NOT THIS SMALL DETAIL.

YOU CANNOT MISS THE FORREST FOR THE TREES.

SO NOW THAT WE’VE CORRECTED THAT LET’S LOOK AT THE NEXT ARGUMENT:

ARGUMENT #10 – GIRLS FIGHTING BAD THINGS = FEMINISM!

ALSO NOT THE CASE.

LOTS OF PEOPLE ARGUED THAT BECAUSE CATWOMAN CAN BEAT DUDES UP, SPECIFICALLY THE ONES SAYING BITCH ALL THE TIME THE GAME IS ACTUALLY REINFORCING A POSITIVE ROLE FOR WOMEN.

LOGICAL? SURE!

BUT LET US CONSIDER THE PESKY TONE/CONTEXT. SPECIFICALLY OF CATWOMAN DOING THIS BEATING UP AS HER BOOBS ARE POPPING OUT, ACHIEVING ALL THESE BEATINGS WITH A SEXUAL BUT NOT ACTUALLY ATHLETIC FRAME, DOING SO IN HIGH HEELS, WHILE SHE COOS ABOUT FEELING NAKED, WHILE SHE FLIRTS AND TALKS VAPIDLY… IN THAT CASE IT IS SOMETHING FAR DIFFERENT.

AND LOOK. THE WHOLE GIRLS FIGHTING BAD THINGS HAS BEEN SOMETHING PEOPLE HAVE TRIED TO USE AS A SHORTCUT TO FEMINISM FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.  HOLLYWOOD HAS HAD AN ESPECIALLY STUPID RUN OF IT LATELY. WHAT MAKES THINGS LIKE BUFFY FEMINIST IS NOT THAT SHE FIGHTS BAD GUYS, BUT THE ENTIRE EMBRACE OF FEMININITY AND GENDER ISSUES THAT THE SHOW FREQUENTLY EXPLORED.

WHEN YOU TRY AND USE IT AS A SHORTCUT TO FEMINISM, THE RESULT OFTEN FALLS FLAT ON IT’S FACE.

AND IN ALL HONESTY, HULK FEELS LIKE THE WRITERS WEREN’T EVEN TRYING TO DO THE SHORTCUT

ARGUMENT #11 – BUT SEXUALITY IS TOTALLY AN ELEMENT OF CATWOMAN!

OF COURSE. HULK SAID SO IN THE LAST BLOG BUT NO ONE SEEMED TO READ THAT PART.

SHE IS THE CLASSIC FEMME FATALE. HULK NEVER DENIED THIS. HULK EXPLAINED WHAT FEMME FATALES MEAN VERY MUCH SO IN THE LAST COLUMN. BUT WHAT ULTIMATELY JUSTIFIES A FEMME FATALE IS THE LEVEL OF COMPLEXITY.

SO LOOK AT A CATWOMAN’S ROLE IN THIS GAME. IT IS ANYTHING BUT COMPLEX. A SIMPLE CUT + PASTE ARGUMENT ABOUT HER BEATING BAD GUYS UP DOES NOT SUFFICE.

ARGUMENT #12 – BUT CATWOMAN WOULD DO THIS! BATMAN IS LIKE THIS! AND TWO-FACE IS LIKE THAT!

HULK GOT A  LOT OF THIS… TO PEOPLE SAYING THESE SORTS OF THINGS… YOU DO REALIZE THAT THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT REAL, RIGHT?

OF COURSE YOU DO. HULK IS NOT IMPLYING YOU WOULD THINK THAT (NOR IS HULK SAYING YOU ARE LIKE OUR FRIEND IN THE PICTURE ABOVE).  SO THE QUESTION IS WHY ARE YOU REFERRING TO THEM LIKE THEY ARE REAL? THEY ARE CONSTRUCTIONS OF VIDEO GAMES DEVELOPERS AND WRITERS, AND AS SUCH ARE CONSTRUCTIONS.

THE LOGIC OF WHAT BATMAN OR SOME INMATES WOULD DO IS WHOLLY IRRELEVANT. ESPECIALLY IN AN ARGUMENT OF SEMIOTICS, WHERE YOU CAN ONLY MAKE DEDUCTIONS OFF WHAT IS THERE.

LIKE FOR EXAMPLE ONE COMMENTATOR LEFT THIS GREAT GEM: “[THE PRISON INMMATES] COULD NEVER SHOW ANY RESPECT TO CATWOMAN AS THAT WOULD BE A SIGN OF WEAKNESS IN FRONT OF THEIR OTHER INMATES” SO THERE IS A WHOLE INFERRED LOGIC TO THIS NOW? SAYING THIS IS LIKE GUESSING WHAT THE HAD FOR DINNER.

THIS IS WHAT HULK KEEPS TALKING ABOUT WITH THE PROBLEM OF “LOGIC.” SO MANY COMMENTATORS ARE ARGUING THE LOGIC OF THE SITUATION AS IF IT IS A REAL-LIFE HYPOTHETICAL. HULK IS ONLY CONCERNED WITH THE SCENE AS A CONSTRUCTION. SO WHEN HULK GOES OFF ON HULK’S SEXISM “LOGIC,” HULK ISN’T TALKING ABOUT THE HYPOTHETICAL THOUGHT PROCESS OF MADE-UP CHARACTERS BUT INSTEAD A LOGIC OF SYMBOLOGY, MEDIA PROCESSING, TONE, AND CONTEXT ESTABLISHING. AND EVEN THOUGH THESE ARE ALL ABSTRACT CONCEPTS THEY ARE FAR MORE CONCRETE THAN GUESSING THE SUPPOSED ELABORATE LITERAL REASONING CHARACTERS.

HULK’S ARE DEDUCTIONS OF SUB-TEXT FROM THE TEXT, WHEREAS THIS ARGUMENT IS COMPRISED DEDUCTIONS OF NON-TEXT FROM THE TEXT.

… AND FOR THE RECORD JUSTIFYING CATWOMAN’S SEXISM IN ARKHAM CITY BY SAYING IT’S JUST BEING ACCURATE CATWOMAN IN THE NEW 52, IS LIKE WALKING INTO MOREHOUSE COLLEGE CAFETERIA, YELLING N-BOMBS, AND THEN SAYING IT’S FINE BECAUSE YOU HEARD NATHAN BEDFORD FORREST SAY IT.

ARGUMENT #13 – YOU, SIR, ARE INSANE WITH THIS HARLEY / BATMAN SHOVING THING

BY FAR THE EASIEST POINT TO DISAGREE WITH HULK ABOUT THAT’S FINE. HULK PHRASED IT BADLY LAST TIME. IT NOT THAT BATMAN LIKES IT. THE DEDUCTIONS HULK MAKES ABOUT THE EMPHASIS FROM THE MISE EN SCENE CONCLUDE THAT IT IS THE GAME MAKERS WHO LIKE THAT BATMAN IS SHOVING HER. NOT BATMAN SPECIFICALLY. HULK HOPE THAT MAKE MORE SENSE.

OH, AND IN AND OF ITSELF, THE ACTION IS FAR LESS INSIDIOUS… BUT WITH EVERYTHING ELSE GOING ON IN THE GAME, HULK THOUGHT IT REALLY FELT WEIRD. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY CONTEXT IS SO ALL-ENCOMPASSING.

AND TOTALLY FEEL FREE TO DISAGREE. ABSOLUTELY. HULK KNOWS THE LIMITS OF HULK’S ARGUMENT ON THIS AND IT BY FAR THE MOST ETHEREAL THING HULK CRITICIZING, BUT HULK STILL STAND BY HULK’S FEELINGS ABOUT THE WEIRDNESS ON DISPLAY.

COOL? COOL.

ARGUMENT #14- IT’S NOT SEXIST, IT’S LAZY!

HULK GOING TO LINK BACK TO THIS GREAT ARTICLE WHICH ESTABLISHES THE IDEA OF THIS ARGUMENT QUITE WELL.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT HULK DISAGREES WITH A SIMPLE CONCEIT. SEXISM BORN FROM LAZINESS IS STILL JUST SEXISM. IN MANY WAYS, THE TWO TERMS ARE SYNONYMOUS. PEOPLE CLING TO STEREOTYPES BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO LAZY TO ENGAGE IN SOMETHING MORE HUMAN AND REALISTIC. BUT THE IMPORTANT PART IS THAT THE RESULT IS STILL SEXIST.

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD SMELL JUST AS SWEET.

SEXISM BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD STILL BE JUST AS DETRIMENTAL.

ARGUMENT #15- VIDEO GAMES AREN’T SEXIST

THIS WAS LINKED TO IN THE COMMENTS, BUT WHAT THE HECK. LET’S JUST GO TO THIS.

… WEEP FOR HUMANITY.

BTW, WHEN HULK SAYS “VIDEO GAMES” ARE SEXIST HULK NOT IMPLYING ALL DEVELOPERS AND GAMES ARE SEXIST. WHAT HULK SAYING THAT THERE IS BOTH A PERVASIVE QUALITY AND ACCEPTANCE TO WHICH VIDEO GAMES EXHIBIT SEXIST CHARACTERISTICS THAT ARE BOTH LESS-PERVASIVE AND LESS-ACCEPTED IN MOVIES AND OTHER FORMS OF MEDIA. THE REASON FOR THIS ARE MANIFOLD. BUT IT IS TRUE.

ARGUMENT #16 – OKAY FINE THEY’RE SEXIST, BUT SO IS THE WHOLE WORLD!

LET’S KEEP THIS SHORT AND SWEET, SHALL WE?

IN NO CIRCUMSTANCE CAN WE PASS OFF SOMETHING BAD AS INCONSEQUENTIAL MERELY DUE TO THE FACT IT IS EVERYWHERE. IT IS NOTE JUST A LOGICAL FALLACY, BUT A HUMANE FALLACY. WHEN THINGS ARE EVERYWHERE (LIKE SERIOUS CAPITAL R-RACISM WAS IN THIS COUNTRY WITH LYNCHINGS AND SUCH) THINGS CHANGE WHEN PEOPLE SPEAK UP, ALTER THE DIALOGUE, INSIST ON THE CORRECT BEHAVIOR, AND STOP LOOKING THE OTHER WAY. IT’S TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THINGS.

IS A SEXIST BENT IN A VIDEO GAME AS IMPORTANT AS LYNCHING? OF COURSE NOT. HULK WOULD NEVER IMPLY IT WOULD BE.

BUT NOR IS IT INSIGNIFICANT. ESPECIALLY WHEN THE THINKING IS SO SIMILAR (JUST WITH DIFFERENT STAKES)

AGAIN, NO MORAL RELATIVISM ALLOWED.

ARGUMENT #17 – WHATEVER, IT’S JUST A VIDEOGAME!

HULK WILL SIMPLIFY THIS LINK TO GREAT PENNY ARCADE, ALSO FROM THE COMMENTS BY TOUCHDOWN AL.

http://penny-arcade.com/patv/episode/sex-in-games

VIDEO GAMES NOW HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO BE FULLY IN CONTROL OF THEIR MESSAGE AND TONE (SEE PICTURE ABOVE)

IT IS TIME ALL THE OTHER GAMES ACTED LIKE IT.

ARGUMENT #18 – NO, YOU’RE THE ONE WHO IS A SEXIST RETARD! JERK! ARKHAM CITY IS AWESOME! YOU’RE A FAG!

SO HULK COMES FROM THE WORLD OF EDUCATION. HULK NOT TALK ABOUT HIGH HIGHFALUTIN FANCY-PANTS UNIVERSITY EDUCATION (THOUGH OBVIOUSLY THAT TOO). HULK COMES FROM THE WORLD OF REAL EDUCATION. THAT MEANS INNER CITY PUBLIC SCHOOLS. THAT MEANS LOW-LEVEL KIDS AND AT-RISK YOUTH. THAT MEANS GANGS AND GANG MENTALITIES. MOST OF THE TIME THE MATTERS OF ALGEBRA AND READING ASSIGNMENTS ARE JUST WINDOW DRESSING. IT’S ABOUT TEACHING BASIC LIFE SKILLS. AND IT IS NOT EASY.

SO IF YOU THINK THESE INSULTS ARE GOING TO PHASE HULK YOU HAVE ANOTHER THING COMING. THEY WON’T. HULK WON’T PUT UP WITH LEAD PIPE THREATS. HULK WON’T PUT UP WITH ANYTHING DANGEROUS. BUT FOR EVERYTHING ELSE? HULK IS GOING TO BE RIGHT HERE. EVERY DAY. AND HULK IS GOING TO TRY AND GET THROUGH. THAT’S WHY HULK WROTE THIS SECOND BLOG POST ON THE MATTER.

IT SOUNDS CHEESY AS HELL, BUT HULK CARES. HULK CARES SO MUCH NOT ONLY ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FUTURE BUT OUR COLLECTIVE EXPERIENCE. HULK HAS TO CARE.

BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP.

WE ARE NOW LIVING IN A WORLD, WHERE THE ABILITY TO PERCEIVE NUANCE MATTERS MORE THAN EVER. NOT LESS. OUR LIVES ARE SO DIRECTLY INFLUENCED BY SYSTEMS SO LARGE AND COMPLEX THAT IT IS TERRIFYING. AND THE ONLY WAY WE ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH IT IS IF WE DO IT TOGETHER.

THAT’S BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A BUREAUCRACY. AND OUR ABILITY TO NAVIGATE THAT BUREAUCRACY, NOT ONLY TO DECIPHER WHAT IS ACTUALLY IN OUR COLLECTIVE HUMAN INTEREST, BUT WHAT IS EVEN IN OUR OWN IMMEDIATE SELF INTEREST, IS PARAMOUNT TO ONE’S ABILITY TO SUCCEED.

THINK ABOUT IT: THE ABILITY TO FILL OUT A TAX RETURN AND PAY WHAT YOU SHOULD RIGHTFULLY PAY. TO UNDERSTAND THE CONTEXT OF WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THE NEWS. TO UNDERSTAND HOW OUR ECONOMY WORKS. EVERY SYSTEM THAT YOU UNDERSTAND AND CAN NAVIGATE (CARS, MOVIES, BANKING, STOCKS) IS SOMETHING THAT GIVES YOU THE ABILITY TO SUCCEED. THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES.

SO WAKE UP.

BECAUSE HULK’S ARGUMENT ABOUT THE SEXISM IN THIS GAME IS NOT AN ILLUSION OR UNFOUNDED. IT IS PLAIN AS DAY REAL. THE WAYS TO UNDERSTAND HOW IT IS SO ARE NOT ALWAYS SIMPLE, BUT THEY ARE VALID. AND IF YOU LIKE VIDEO GAMES OR MOVIES, THE TIME HAS COME TO TRY AND WORK AT IT. THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY.

SO WAKE UP.

THERE IS A WORLD OUT THERE WHERE PEOPLE DISCUSS THINGS WITH OTHER PEOPLE. WHERE THEY LISTEN. WHERE THEY COMPREHEND. WHERE THEY READ THE ENTIRE ARTICLE IF THEY ARE GOING TO CRITICIZE. THEY DO THESE THINGS NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE EASY, BUT BECAUSE THEY ARE RIGHT.

AND IF YOU DON’T PARTICIPATE, THAN THAT WORLD IS GOING TO EITHER PASS YOU BY OR EAT YOU UP. ANYTHING ELSE AND YOU ARE STANDING ON THE OUTSKIRTS THROWING PEBBLES AT THE WALLS. YOU ARE PROVERBIALLY BRINGING A KNIFE TO A GUN FIGHT. MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON A VITAL HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

AND HERE’S THE THING. HULK WANTS YOU TO BE A PART OF THIS WORLD.

SADLY, THERE ARE MANY WHO DO NOT. THE METAPHOR FOR THIS IS AS OLD AS TIME AND IT’S “LIVING IN IVORY TOWER” AND AS MUCH AS EVERY INTELLECTUAL DOESN’T WANT TO ADMIT IT, IT IS TRUE.

BUT HULK WANTS YOU TO BE A PART OF THIS WORLD. HULK COMES FROM AN EDUCATIONAL HEART. THAT IS THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS. OVER THE LAST 24 HOURS TONS OF PEOPLE HAVE SUGGESTED THAT HULK JUST DROP IT AND NOT CARE IF PEOPLE DON’T GET IT. THAT’S IT’S NOT WORTH IT. THAT IT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT IS WHAT TEACHERS FIGHT EVERY SINGLE DAY OF EVERY SINGLE YEAR. THE ABILITY TO CONVEY INFORMATION TO SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT YET UNDERSTAND. AND THAT IS IT.

HULK WANTS YOU TO GET HULK’S POINT ABOUT THE SEXISM. YOU DON’T HAVE TO AGREE. BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.

WE ARE ALL IN THIS LIFE TOGETHER AND IF WE CAN’T UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER THAN THERE’S NO HOPE.

AND THAT’S THE THOUGHT THAT KEEPS HULK UP AT NIGHT.

SO WAKE UP.

UPDATE: AFTER ALL, THIS IS WATER

UPDATE: ARKHAM CITY COLUMN NOW HAS A PART 2!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK VIDEO GAMES?

EVERY TIME HULK THINKS WE’RE GETTING SOMEWHERE, YOU MANAGE TO TAKE ONE COLOSSAL STEP BACK FROM PROVING YOU BELONG AT THE BIG BOY TABLE.

2009’S BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM MAY BE ONE OF THE GREAT GAMES EVER. SERIOUSLY. IT’S FUN, INVENTIVE, COOL, AND HAS BOTH A GREAT COMBAT AND A GREAT STEALTH SYSTEM (USUALLY IT’S ONE OR THE OTHER). THE GAME WOULD EVEN BE STELLAR IF IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH BATMAN. BUT LUCKILY, THE BATMAN STUFF IS GREAT TOO. HULK PARTICULARLY LIKED THAT THE DEPICTION WASN’T SINGULARLY REFERENCING ONE VERSION OF THE BATMAN WORLD AND INSTEAD COMES OFF AS A HYBRID OF THE NOLANVERSE, THE ANIMATED SERIES, THE BURTONVERSE, THE COMICS, AND EVEN TAKES SOME OF THE GOOD PARTS FROM SCHUMACHER’S ORNATE DESIGN SCHEME.

NEEDLESS TO SAY HULK WAS EXCITED ABOUT THE SEQUEL, BATMAN: ARKHAM CITY, WHICH WAS RELEASED LAST NIGHT

BUT AFTER A KIND OF NEAT LITTLE INTRODUCTION (THOUGH NARRATIVE-LY IT MAKES, LIKE, ZERO SENSE. WHY IS THIS BIG STRETCH OF CITY A PRISON? AND WHY IS IT LIKE DYSTOPIAN FUTURE WHERE INMATES JUST ROAM AROUND EXACTLY?) THE TONE OF THE GAME STARTS GOING IN A REALLY WEIRD DIRECTION… SPECIFICALLY WHEN CATWOMAN SHOWS UP… BASICALLY, THINGS GET SUPER-DUPER SEXIST AND NEVER, EVER STOP.

NOW, IT SHOULD BE SAID THAT THIS ISN’T SOME INDICTMENT OF THE SEXUAL FEMME-FATALISM. THAT IS ACTUALLY A BIG PART OF THE CATWOMAN CHARACTER AND ICONGRAPHY. BUT THERE IS A SPECIFIC WAY IN NOT ONLY HOW THE FEMME FATALE WORKS IN STORIES, BUT SPECIFICALLY HOW IT FITS IN THE WHOLE BATMAN THING. CATWOMAN IS MORE MEANT AS A FOIL FOR BATMAN, HIS SENSE OF DARK VENGEANCE GONE HAYWIRE AND MORALITY (EVEN MORE) SKEWED. PLUS SHE VAGUELY SEXUALIZES HIM.

BUT THIS CATWOMAN IS… UM…

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THIS REALLY ISN’T ABOUT OUTFIT. THE OUTFIT REALLY JUST SYMBOLIZING THE SHIT THAT’S WRONG ON THE INSIDE.

TO REITERATE: IN THE FIRST HOUR OF ARKHAM CITY WE HAVE A SCANTILLY CLAD HIGH-HEAL-NINJA-ING CATWOMAN GETTING BEATEN BY TWO-FACE AS HE CALLS HER A BITCH. WE HAVE A GROUP OF MUSCLE-BOUND HOODLUMS ALL STANDING AROUND EXCITED TO DUMP HER INTO A VAT OF ACID. BATMAN COMES TO THE RESCUE AS CATWOMAN ESCAPES. SHE FLIRTS WITH HIM MERCILESSLY AND MAKES NOT JUST DUMB, BUT NOT-FUN SEXY PUNS. BATMAN THEN GOES OUTSIDE AND YOU OVERHEAR A BUNCH OF GUYS TALKING ABOUT HOW CATWOMAN AND AGAIN THE WORD BITCH POPS IN.  THEY ALL THINK SHE SWINGS BOTH WAYS (CAUSE THAT’S THE KIND OF THING ANY SEXY GIRL MUST BE UP FOR). AND THEN THEY’RE BASICALLY TALKING ABOUT THEIR MASTURBATORY FANTASIES OF HER… YOU KNOW, ABOUT THE SAME ONE THEY WERE CALLING A BITCH. BATMAN THEN GOES OVER TOWARD THE JOKER’S TOWER AND YOU HOPE ALL THIS SHIT IS OVER BUT THEN YOU OVERHEAR A BUNCH OF THUGS TALKING ABOUT HOW HARLEY QUINN IS A DUMB BITCH.

NOW THIS WAS WHERE HULK LEFT IT THE OTHER NIGHT AND TO BE SURE HULK WASN’T JUST REACTING OUT OF MOMENTARY THINGS HULK CAME BACK AND PLAYED A LOT MORE TO BE FAIR… IT DIDN’T GET ANY BETTER.

ACTUALLY IT GOT WORSE. THE FOLLOWING IS STUFF OVERHEARD BY A WIDE CAST OF CHARACTERS THAT INCLUDES PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY:

“DON’T COME ANY CLOSER OR THIS BITCH GETS A HOLE WHERE HER HEAD USED TO BE!”

“THAT CRAZY BITCH!” (SAID BY A GOOD GUY)

“SHE SCARES ME. FORTUNATELY I SAW THE CRAZY BITCH LEAVING!”

“YOU DON’T FIND THE BOSSES GIRL ATTRACTIVE DO YOU?” / “IN HERE THEY ALL LOOK GOOD.”

“DID YOU HEAR THE NOISE THAT DOCTOR WAS MAKIN?”  / (GIGGLE) “I LIKE HEARING HER SCREAM LIKE THAT”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT JOKER SEES IN THAT CRAZY BITCH”

CATWOMAN NEEDING MORE GADGETS (AND TALKING TO HERSELF): “I NEED MY TOYS. I’D JUST BE (INSERT MARYLIN MONROE VOICE) NAKED WITH OUT THEM (COO).”

“YEAH THE BOSS HAD THE CAT ALL CHAINED UP BUT THAT BITCH BROKE FREE.”

EVEN BATMAN, THE PARAGON OF GOODNESS ASKS HARLEY TO MOVE AT ONE POINT. WHEN SHE DOESN’T, HE SEEMS TO TAKE EERIE DELIGHT IN MANHANDLING HER AND THROWING HER OVER. NOTHING BUSINESS LIKE, THE EMPHASIS IS SO FUCKING WEIRD. BATMAN LIKED IT.

……

……..

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK ARKHAM CITY?

THIS IS NOT OKAY.

DO YOU EVEN, LIKE, GET HOW SEXISM WORKS?

CLEARLY NOT. CAUSE THIS IS THE KIND OF BLATENT SEXISM THAT MOST 2ND WAVE FEMINISM MOVED PAST IN ORDER TO TALK ABOUT MORE SUBTLE THINGS LIKE “PAY SCALES,” AND “THE RIGHT TO GO TO THE SAME COLLEGES AS MEN.”

SO LET’S MAKE IT PRETTY CLEAR: REFRAINING FROM SEXISM DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU CAN’T HAVE CHARACTERS IN REVEALING OUTFITS, OR THAT YOU CAN’T USE THE WORD “BITCH,” OR THAT YOU CAN’T SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT FEMALE CHARACTERS, OR THAT YOU HAVE TO BE SOME PARAGON OF GOODNESS AND PROVIDE G-RATED POSITIVE ROLE MODELS FOR EVERYONE. YOU CAN TOTALLY DO THOSE THINGS. IT’S JUST A MATTER OF HOW YOU PRESENT IT.

SEE THE REAL ISSUE IS NOT THE THINGS THEMSELVES, BUT THE TONE.  WHICH MEANS IT’S ABOUT THE CONTEXT. IT’S ABOUT THE PRESENTATION AND THE FEELING. IT’S ABOUT THE REASONS FOR DOING SO AND WHY.

WHATEVER COULD THE MEANING OF THIS BE?

DO YOU SERIOUSLY NOT GET THE BASIC FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO?

FINE. LET’S GET AN EXAMPLE UP IN THIS SHIT: STRAW DOGS IS A MOVIE THAT FAMOUSLY DEALS WITH SOME VERY TABOO SEXUAL POLITICS (SPOILERS IF NOT SEEN, BUT GODDAMMIT THE MOVIE’S 30 YEARS OLD) THE FILM HAS A SCENE WHERE THERE IS A RAPE AND HALFWAY THROUGH THE HORRIBLE ORDEAL THE VICTIM SEEMS TO HAVE A MOMENT OF ENJOYMENT. NOW, IF THE EVENT OF THE SCENE IS TAKEN AT FACE VALUE, IT SEEMS LIKE THE MOST SEXIST THING EVER. RIGHT? ONE THAT PROPAGATES SOME OF THE MOST VILE MYTHS ABOUT WOMAN AND SEXUALITY ALONG WITH DISMISSING THE CONSEQUENCES OF A HORRENDOUS ACT?

BUT THAT’S NOT TOTALLY THE CASE. THAT’S BECAUSE THE SITUATION HAS DEEP CONTEXT, BOTH IN TERMS OF PLOT, CHARACTER, AND THEMATIC RESONANCE. FOR ONE, THE VIOLATION SETS UP A LOT OF THINGS TO SAY ABOUT SHAME CULTURE AND MAN’S ATTITUDES TOWARD SEXUALITY. IN FACT, THE WHOLE MOVIE IS MEANT AS A META COMMENTARY ON MALE’S SEXUAL POLITICS, CENTERING AROUND THE ATTITUDE OF THE WOMAN’S HUSBAND, PLAYED DUSTIN HOFFMAN. THE HUSBAND IS AN INTELLECTUAL, NON-CONFRONTATIONAL PERSON. AT FACE VALUE ONE WOULD GUESS THAT THIS IS YET ANOTHER HORRIBLE THING BEING SAID ABOUT THE PAINS A LACK OF MASCULINITY AND WHAT WOMEN WANT, ETC. BUT AGAIN, NOT THE CASE. THE FILM MAKES IT CLEAR THIS IS ABOUT GENDER ROLES. FOR ALL OF THE HUSBAND’S INTELLECTUALISM, HE ACTUALLY HAS A DEEPLY SEXIST AND RIGID ATTITUDE TOWARD TRADITIONAL ROLES FOR HIS WIFE. CONVERSELY HE DOES NOT ACCEPT TRADITIONAL MALE ROLES FOR HIMSELF THUS SHOWING HIS EMPHASIS ON THE DOUBLE STANDARD. MEANING IT IS ABOUT THE HYPOCRITICAL NATURE OF MENT. THE FILM DIRECTLY AND TEXTUALLY ADDRESSES THESE HYPOCRISIES WITHIN THE MAIN CHARACTER ACTING AS A SORT OF “HORROR FILM” FOR THE EMASCULATED MALE PSYCHE. THIS IS ONLY REINFORCED BY THE FACT THAT ONE OF THE RAPISTS IS THE WOMAN’S EX-BOYFRIEND.

BUT NONE OF THIS IS MEANT EXPLOITATIVE SENSE, BUT IN AN EXPLORATIVE SENSE. THE FILM IS ENGAGING THESE QUESTIONS DIRECTLY WITH COMMENTARY ON CHARACTER. SOME MAY ARGUE THE RELATIVE MERITS TO THIS, AND WHETHER OR NOT IT’S WORTH DEPICTING THE HARM AND SUBVERSION OF WOMAN TO STRICTLY ENGAGE HORROR OF THE MALE EGO (HULK CAN COME UP WITH A PRETTY GOOD EVALUATION OF HER JOURNEY TOO) AND THAT’S FINE. ADMITTEDLY, YOU CANNOT WRAP A NEAT BOW ON ALL OF THE SEXISM AT PLAY IN STRAW DOGS.

BUT WHAT YOU CAN DO, IS CAREFULLY EXAMINE THE CONTEXT AND ANALYSIS AND BE TREATED TO A RATHER INTERESTING DISCUSSION OF A MOVIE THAT IS HYPER-AWARE OF WHAT IT IS DOING AND INDULGING INTO SOME VERY BIG GRAY AREAS ON PURPOSE.

… SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THIS SHIT IN ARKHAM CITY?

OH WAIT, THERE IS NONE. THERE IS NO FUCKING CONTEXT FOR THE THINGS. THEY ARE JUST PRESENTED AT FACE VALUE WITH ABSOLUTELY NO OTHER REDEEMING VALUE BEYOND TITILLATION AND SEEPING OUT OF THE WRITERS COLLECTIVE ID AS SOME SORT OF AXE TO GRIND WITH WOMEN.

REMEMBER, TONE IS ABOUT YOUR REASONS FOR DOING SO AND WHY.

SO WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE? IT IS THE DUMBEST AND MOST USELESS FORM OF SEXISM IN THE WORLD. IT’S WORSE THAN MERE “FAN SERVICE” WHICH IS USUALLY THE KIND OF THING YOU CAN SHAKE YOUR HEAD AT AND JUST HOPE THERE AREN’T 8 YEAR OLDS PLAYING IT (AND YES THERE TOTALLY ARE).  HULK IS GOING TO SAY IT’S DOWNRIGHT PORNOGRAPHIC.

OH DON’T LOOK AT HULK LIKE THAT, HULK KNOWS IT IS MISSING BOTH THE ACTUAL ELEMENT OF REAL-PERSON EXPLOITATION AND THE UTILITARIAN NATURE OF PORNOGRAPHY, BUT WHAT IT IS OFFERING IS NOT STORY-LINE BOUND CONTEXT FOR THE SEXISM MAKING SENSE. AND FUCK IF HULK HAS SEEN PORNOGRAPHY THAT AT LEAST HAS BETTER ATTITUDES TOWARD WOMEN.

”]SERIOUSLY, HAS THE BLATANT SEXISM ON DISPLAY IN ARKHAM CITY ACHIEVED SOME LEVEL OF COMMENTARY? CAN HULK EXPLAIN THE GENDER ROLES? NO. IMAGINE HULK GOING ON WITH IT, “THE PLUNGING V-NECK OF CATWOMAN COUPLE WITH THE NON-STOP VERBAL BERATING OF WOMEN AS BITCHES IS ACTUALLY A BRECHTIAN MECHANISM TO SHOW HOW THE REALITY OF SEXISM IS EVERYWHERE, A NON-STOP ANALYSIS AND OH FOR FUCK SAKE HULK CAN’T GO ON WITH THIS SHIT… UGH. THERE IS NO ARGUMENT TO BE MADE. NONE.

IT’S NOT A “HEIGHTENED WORLD.” THE STUFF ON DISPLAY IN THE WORLD OF GRAND THEFT AUTO SKIRTS AS MORE OF A TOTAL SOCIETAL SATIRE AND IS CAREFUL TO INCLUDE THE BACKWARD NATURE OF THESE SEXUAL POLITICS. IT MAKES SENSE IN THE TONE OF THAT WORLD. BUT HERE? IN A BATMAN SEQUEL WHERE THERE WASN’T ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE? NOT AT ALL.

AND DON’T TRY TO JUSTIFY IT AS SOME “BUT CATWOMAN KICKS SOME OF THOSE GUYS’ ASSES! IT’S FEMINISM!” THING. THOUGH A LOT OF PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK SO, THE WOMAN AS ACTION HERO IS NOT SOME SHORTCUT TO GIRL POWER. SHE’S ENTIRELY VAPID. IT IS THE MOST BASIC OF MALE CONFIGURATIONS TO GET OUT OF THE RESPONSIBILITY AND MORE IMPORTANTLY IT FEEDS RIGHT INTO THEIR MASTURBATE TO / SLAP AROUND LOVE / HATE THING. SO NO WAY.

HULK BET THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY TRY TO DEFEND THIS HORSESHIT DISPOSITION BY SAYING IT’S OKAY BECAUSE THE ONES SAYING IT ARE THE “BAD GUYS.” WHICH ISN’T ACTUALLY TRUE BECAUSE LOTS OF THE SECURITY GUARDS AND A GOOD GUY FROM LAST GAME ALL CHIP IN WITH THE “BITCH” TALK JUST AS MUCH AS EVERYONE ELSE. (2) AND IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WAY BATMAN OR CATWOMAN RESPOND TO ANY OF THIS THAT MAKES HULK THINK OTHERWISE? IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WAY IT’S SHOWN TO MAKE HULK THINK IT’S ANYTHING MORE THAN SEXIST FUN MEANT TO ELLICIT A FEW PAINFUL LAUGHS FROM AN AUDIENCE WHO DOESN’T KNOW ANY BETTER?

NOOP.

SO WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

IT’S SERIOUSLY NO BETTER THAN THIS:

SERIOUSLY… THE FUCK?!?! IT’S NOT LIKE HULK CAN GET AWAY FROM IT EITHER, IT’S AN ALL-OUT ASSAULT ON YOU SENSES. BATMAN PICKS UP ALL THESE CONVERSATIONS AS HE MOVES AROUND HEARING “BITCH, BITCH, BITCH, BITCH” YOU BETTER FUCKING LIKE THAT WORD IF YOU WANT TO TRULY LOVE ARKHAM CITY. LIKE LOVE THAT WORD AND EVERY WORST THING IT MEANS. IT MUST DELIGHT YOU TO YOUR BONES. EITHER THAT OR YOU’RE JUST NOT THINKING ABOUT IT.

BUT HERE’S THE REAL QUESTION OF THE HOUR: IF THE LAST ENTRY ARKHAM ISLAND KNEW HOW TO BLEND THE LINES OF SEXIST STUFF WITH SKIMPY OUTFITS AND SILLY TONE, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY JUST CONCENTRATE ON MAKING AN AGE-APPROPRIATE BATMAN GAME THEN WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THIS ONE?

WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?

HOW DO THESE CHOICES MAKE SENSE? WHAT MAKES THEM VIABLE IN ANY OTHER TERMS BESIDES DEPLORABLE?

NOTHING. THIS IS BASICALLY THE OPPOSITE OF STRAW DOGS.

DON’T SAY “OH THAT’S A MOVIE, BUT THIS IS A GAME” AND THAT THIS SHIT IN VIDEO GAMES DOESN’T MATTER. IT MATTERS AND IT MATTERS MORE EVERY DAY. VIDEO GAMES ARE OFFICIALLY A MEDIUM FOR THE MASSES AND THEY ARE ABOUT 90 YEARS BEHIND ACTUAL SOCIETY. FOR INSTANCE, THIS GUY IS ABSOLUTELY WRONG. SAYING THEY ARE JUST JUVENILE AND “PANDERING TO AN AUDIENCE” IS LIKE GETTING UP IN FRONT OF THE KKK, CALLING FOR THE DEATH OF ALL BLACK PEOPLE, AND THEN JUST SAYING YOU WERE “PANDERING TO AN AUDIENCE.” SO NO DICE. [UPDATE: WHAT HULK HAS WRITTEN HERE CATEGORIZES THE ARTICLE AS SOME KIND OF PROFANE NONSENSE AND THAT NOT THE CASE. IT ACTUALLY RATHER NUANCED AND HULK BASICALLY ONLY DISAGREEING WITH ONE ELEMENT OF THE CATEGORIZATION/LOGIC. SO APOLOGIES TO THE AUTHOR. SINCERELY]

IT IS A BIG DEAL.

IT IS A VERY, VERY BIG DEAL.

WHY?

BECAUSE WHEN HULK WAS BUYING IT IN THE MIDNIGHT LINE THE OTHER NIGHT THERE WERE ABOUT 90 GUYS ALL STANDING AROUND READY TO BUY. AMONG THEM, A FEW RANDOM GIRLS INTERSPERSED WHO RIGHTLY LOVED THE LAST GAME AND ARE NOW GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH A REALLY, REALLY STRANGE TONE. OH SURE, CHANCES ARE THEY’RE USED TO MOST OF THE SEXISM IN VIDEO GAMES, BUT THIS IS A SPECIAL KIND OF ORNAMENTAL. THIS IS STEALTH SEXISM. SOMETHING FAR MORE INSIDIOUS THAN THE NAKED PANDERING OF DUKE NUKEM.

MORE IMPORTANTLY THERE WERE, AT MIDNIGHT MIND YOU, ABOUT THIRTY CHILDREN AGED 9-12 ALL WITH THEIR MOMS. ALL JOYFULLY WALKING OUT WITH THEIR NEW BATMAN GAME ALL WITH A BEVY OF UNSUSPECTING PARENTS AS TO WHAT THEY JUST BOUGHT AND WHAT THE FIRST HOUR WILL UNVEIL.(2)

DON’T THINK FOR A SECOND THIS ISN’T HOW THEY’RE LEARNING MODES OF SOCIALIZATION. HELL, THEIR SEXUALITY IS LITERALLY BEING FORMED AS WE SPEAK. SO HULK ARGUE THIS WEIRD, ADULT AND ALL-TOGETHER SEXIST TURN FOR THE BATMAN GAME IS VERY MUCH UNCALLED FOR.

:MRS. LOVEJOY "PLEASE, WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!"

AND HERE WE GO WITH THE MORALIZING AND GOD HULK REALLY HATES DOING IT, BUT WHOEVER WROTE THIS SHIT IN ARKHAM CITY AND WHOEVER APPROVED IT SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES. SERIOUSLY, HULK SOMEHOW HOPES THIS MESSAGE IF LIFTED UP OVER ROOFTOPS AND INTO THE SKY AND IS HEARD, BECAUSE IT’S NOT OKAY. AND IF THEY’RE NOT ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES, WELL THEN THEY HAVE THEIR OWN ISSUES TO WORK THROUGH. HULK GUESS THEY MIGHT HAVE THIS IDEA THAT PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT SEXISM ARE ALWAYS COLLEGE AGE WOMEN’S STUDIES MAJORS / LESBIANS (THE NON-SEXY KIND OF COURSE!) WHO WILL OBJECT TO THEIR EVERY ACTION AND “HARMLESS” JOKE SOLELY BASED ON THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE PENISES.

AND MAYBE, LIKE ALL THINGS, IT’S A LITTLE MORE GRAY THAN THAT, BUT THE POINT IS THAT THEY DON’T GET IT.

… TOO BAD THE REST OF THE GAME IS FUCKING EXCELLENT.

LIKE SERIOUSLY, IT’S GREAT AND SO MUCH FUN TO PLAY IT ISN’T EVEN FUNNY… WHICH JUST PUTS HULK IN MORE OF A PRECARIOUS POSITION. THE AMAZING PACKAGING DISTRACTS YOU FROM THE HARFMUL CONTENT.

… GODAMMIT VIDEO GAMES.

AND IF YOU WANT HEAR MORE RESPONSES AND COUNTERARGUMENTS PLEASE CHECK OUT PART 2. IF YOU COMMENTED BELOW CHANCES ARE YOUR POINT WAS DISCUSSED.

 

ENDNOTES!

(1) ALSO THERE IS THIS REALLY WEIRD QUASI-POLITICAL POT-SHOT WHERE A BUNCH OF DOCTORS WONDER WHY THEY WERE ATTACKED BY THE PRISONERS WHEN THEY WERE JUST THERE TO HELP, THEN CALL THEM A BUNCH OF ANIMALS WHO DON’T DESERVE IT.

(2) THIS ISN’T TO IMPLY HULK NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO THINK KIDS SHOULDN’T BE EXPOSED TO SEX OR VIOLENCE. NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST. IT’S JUST THAT CONTEXT MATTERS MORE THAN ACTUAL CONTENT. A KID SEEING BOOBS IN, LIKE, THE GODFATHER OR Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN, IS NOT ONLY FINE BUT SOCIALLY HEALTHY. MOVIES WHICH PROVIDE CONTEXTS FOR THE SEXUALITY AND PEOPLE INVOLVED.

LIKE MANY, HULK HAD GREAT LOVE OF JAMES BOND FILMS WHEN HULK WAS A LITTLE HULK.  HULK RECENTLY FIND OUT THAT BETTY SEEN, LIKE, TWO OF THE ACTUAL BOND MOVIES. SO HULK MADE IT HULK’S MISSION TO WATCH ALL THE BOND FILMS, IN ORDER, WITH BETTY. IN SOME CASES IT BEEN OVER 20 YEARS SINCE HULK SEEN SAID BOND MOVIE.

THE RESULTS WERE SURPRISING.

THIS WOULD BE THE YOUTH-AIMED POSTER

ENTRY #5: YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

SO IN LAST COLUMN ON THUNDERBALL, HULK TALK ABOUT SURPRISINGLY DELICATE TONE NEEDED FOR GOOD BOND MOVIES. THEY NEED BE UP-FRONT YET NOT RIDICULOUS. OBVIOUS, BUT NOT IN YOUR FACE. HULK THINK DR. NO, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, AND THUNDERBALL EXECUTE THIS TONE RATHER WELL.

 YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE DOES NOT.

THIS THE FIFTH FILM IN SERIES AND WHAT HULK CONSIDER THE “PROPER END” OF SEAN CONNERY RUN. TAKEN IN THAT CONTEXT, THE FILM ACTUALLY DELIVER IN NUMBER WAYS. I.E., BOND FINALLY MEET THE HEAD OF SPECTER, THE STROKER OF WHITE KITTENS, ERNST STARVO BLOFIELD!

DUHN DUHN DUHHHHHH

THE CHARACTER GO ONE BE USED MANY TIMES, BUT THIS THE ABSOLUTE BEST VERSION. NO QUESTION. THE ETERNALLY-AWESOME DONALD PLEASANCE PLAY HIM WITH THIS GREAT DETACHED, MALEVOLENT, YET STILL REALLY FAY QUALITY. HE ETHEREAL AND DOWNRIGHT STRANGE. HULK FIND IT BE ONE OF THE SILLIEST-BUT-PLAYED-STRAIGHT PERFORMANCES EVER. WHY HULK ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS PSYCHOTIC WEIRDO MESSED UP ENOUGH TO HAVE WELL-PAID CRONIES RUNNING AROUND JUMP SUITS CARRYING OUT EVIL PLANS. AND YES FOLKS, HE THE OBVIOUS INFLUENCE FOR DR. EVIL (THAT AND LORNE MICHAELS OF COURSE).

THE PLOT KIND OF HILARIOUS. THE FILM START WITH JAMES BOND’S DEATH BEING FAKED SO HE CAN OPERATE IN SECRET.  OR SOMETHING. THIS VERY IDEA HILARIOUS AS HE SUPPOSED BE SECRET AGENT. BUT SINCE ALWAYS USE REAL NAME AND SEEMINGLY KNOWN ALL OVER WORLD HULK GUESS IT MAKE “MOVIE SENSE.”  MEANWHILE BLOFIELD SECRETLY ABDUCTING RUSSIAN AND AMERICAN ASTRONAUTS (IN SPACE-JACKINGS!) TO TRY START WORLD WAR THREE. HE OPERATING OUT OF JAPAN FOR SOME REASON. MOSTLY SO BOND CAN START TAPPING ASIA HULK GUESS.

SO BOND ARRIVE IN JAPAN AND ATTEND A SUMO WRESTLING MATCH BECAUSE, UNLESS TV AND MOVIE LIE TO HULK, THAT AUTOMATICALLY WHAT HAPPEN WHEN FIRST GO TO JAPAN. THERE THIS WEIRD BIT OF FLIRTY CAT AND MOUSE GAME WITH MYSTERIOUS JAPANESE WOMAN. IT SEEM LIKE SHE ABDUCT JAMES BOND AFTER TRICKING HIM INTO THIS SLIDE THING, BUT TURN OUT SHE WITH JAPANESE SECRET SERVICE AND TOTALLY ON BONDS SIDE. IT MAKE NO SENSE BUT WHATEVER. HER NAME AKI AND SHE TAKE HIM TO BOSS TIGER TANAKA WHO TAKE HIM SOMEONE ELSE BLAH BLAH BLAH. EVEN THOUGH LOTS STUFF OCCURRING, THIS FIRST ACT HAVE ZERO NARRATIVE STEAM.

UNLESS YOU DEFINE THIS NARRATIVE STEAM... SOME OF YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY

AND THEN IN SECOND ACT EVEN MORE OF WHOLE BUNCH STUFF HAPPEN. SERIOUSLY. THE MOVIE JAM PACKED WITH SUDDEN BITS INFORMATION AND NARRATIVE TURNS AND HULK NO MAKE SENSE OF ANY OF IT (AND HULK PRETTY SURE HULK HAVE DECENT LOCK ON PLOT OF PRIMER SO THAT TELL YOU THIS BOND PLOT LIKELY NOT VALID). HULK GUESS THE MOVIE REALLY TRYING ACT LIKE ACTUAL SPY/INTRIGUE MOVIEM BUT THEY MAKE HUGE MISTAKE OF ASSUMING NEW PLOT DEVELOPMENTS = MYSTERY. IF THERE NO THROUGH-LINE OR MOTIVE, REALLY IT JUST BS MACGUFFIN-HOPPING.

EVENTUALLY BOND REALIZE SOMETHING FUNKY GOING ON THIS REMOTE ISLAND. SO HE GO TO TANAKA’S NEARBY NINJA ISLAND… YES. ACTUAL NINJA ISLAND. THERE TIMES IT USED EFFECTIVELY AND TIMES IT CRINGE WORTHY, BUT OVERALL HULK OKAY WITH THE NINJA ISLAND DEVELOPMENT. SO THEN Q SHOW UP AND BOND RIDE IN DORKY HELICOPTER TO SCOUT THE STRANGE ISLAND. THERE HELICOPTER FIGHT SCENE THAT KIND OF NEAT. LATER THE BAD GUYS RETALIATE AND AKI (WHO BOND CURRENTLY DOING IF HULK NO MENTION) GET KILLED IN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT. BOND SAD.

BUT THAT LITERALLY FOR, LIKE, TWO SECOND CAUSE BOND THEN HAVE GET MARRIED TO NEW HOT JAPANESE WOMAN AS PART OF SUBLIMATION INTO JAPANESE CULTURE.. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEN… PERHAPS HULK SHOULD EXPLAIN WHAT LEAD UP TO IT.

IN ORDER FOR BOND BE ON THIS NINJA ISLAND, BOND TOLD HE HAVE “BECOME JAPANESE” TO BLEND IN AND BE ACCEPTED. SO THEY DO OBVIOUS THING AND PUT HIM IN BLACK MOE WIG, CHANGE ANGLE OF EYEBROWS, AND GIVE HIM MASCARA. IN CASE IT NO OBVIOUS, HE LOOK NOTHING LIKE JAPANESE PERSON…

HE LOOK LIKE THIS

THE JAW-DROPPING THING THAT THIS MAYBE ONLY LIKE THE 17TH MOST ABSURD THING EVER HAPPEN IN BOND MOVIE AND MAYBE ONLY THE 28TH MOST RACIST THING. STILL, EVERYONE NOW TREAT BOND AS JAPANESE-NINJA-IN-TRAINING EVEN THOUGH CONNERY CONTINUE USE THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT. TO CONNERY’S “CREDIT” HE DO MANAGE ADD THIS WEIRD TIC OF PROPRIETY, LIKE AT LEAST ATTEMPT MAKE SOME KIND OF VERBAL CHANGE, BUT IT ONLY MAKE THING ALL THE MORE SAD.

LOOK, HULK ARGUE THERE SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF IN SPIRIT OF MOVIE AND SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF AGAINST SPIRIT OF MOVIE. THIS CLEARLY AGAINST. JUST ONE OF THOSE AMAZINGLY TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE CHOICES THAT NO CAN BELIEVE EVERYONE KEEP SAYING “YEAH SURE.” IT PRETTY MUCH HAUNTED THE MOVIE FOREVER. IT CAN NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN ANY WAY AFTER DOING THIS. YET IT SO DELIGHTFULLY INSANE AND DATED THAT HULK LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT. BUT IT ONLY IRONIC ENJOYMENT, NOT GENUINE DELIGHT. MODERN AUDIENCES TEND CONFUSE THE TWO A BIT SO HULK JUST MAKING CLEAR THE DIFFERENCE.

SO BACK TO BOND MARRYING NEW RANDOM HOT JAPANESE GIRL. AGAIN, AKI DIED MINUTES AGO. HE NOW BEING TOLD HE HAVE MARRY NEW GIRL. BOND, EVER DEVOTED TO THE MISSION, WORRIED HE GOING BE WED TO FAT COW. BUT OF COURSE HIS NEW WIFE HE MEET AT CEREMONY ANOTHER HOT JAPANESE GIRL NAMED KISSY SUZUKI (BOND GIRL NAMING NEVER CEASE AMAZE HULK). SO NEEDLESS SAY BOND EXCITED. HE PROMPTLY TRY ENJOY HIS NEW MARRIAGE BENEFITS BUT KISSY NOT HAVIN IT… WHOA… MORALS! SELF-ESTEEM! THIS REALLY A BOND MOVIE?

OK... PERHAPS THERE A SLIDING SCALE...

SO IMMEDIATELY THEY GO INTO 3RD ACT MODE AND IT TAKE BOND WAY TO LONG TO FIGURE OUT THE VOLCANO FAKE. THEY GO INTO BLOFELD’S LAYER.  PIRANHAS HAPPEN. THERE SOME ARYAN STRONGMAN TYPE. NINJA ISLAND SHOWS UP TO FIGHT. AND FINALLY THEY HAVE EPIC LAME CONFRONTATION WHERE BLOFELD SOMEHOW ESCAPE ON TINY MONORAIL. BOND SAVE DAY. ESCAPE WITH KISSY AND THEY GET IN ON IN SURVIVAL RAFT (THIS HAPPEN A LOT TO BOND).

SO AGAIN, IT NOT EXACTLY THE WHAT BUT THE HOW. THE FILM HAVE ALL THIS WEIRD HALF-ASSEDNESS WHERE IT NOT COASTING IN GOOD WAY. IT NO LIKE DIRECTOR LEWIS GILBERT ABJECTLY HORRIBLE. HE JUST NOT AS GOOD AT BALANCE LIKE TERENCE YOUNG. THE TONE JUST READ FAR SILLIER SOME PLACE THEN INTENDED. SURE DEAR READER, IT STILL FAR FROM ROGER MOORE DEPTHS OF CORNINESS. BUT SERIES PROBLEMS STARTING CREEP IN SERIES: THE JUMPSUIT-CLAD MINIONS STARTING DESCEND INTO PARODY.  FUTURE MOVIES WILL MISTAKE BLOFELD’S STRANGENESS FOR THE REASON HE GOOD (REALLY IT BECAUSE PLEASENCE MADE THAT SHIT WORK). THE AFOREMENTIONED RACIST STUFF. THE NONSENSICAL PLOT. THE MACGUFFIN HOPPING. THERE LOTS OF STUFF HERE THAT SPELL DOOM FOR THE FIRST “END OF THE SERIES.”

BUT STILL HULK HAPPY ACCEPT IT FOR WAYS IT GOOD AS “CONCLUSION” TO CONNERY’S RUN.

WEIRD NOTE: THE MOVIE WRITTEN BY ROALD DAHL. YES THAT RHOALD DAHL. HIS ONLY SCREENPLAY CREDITS THIS AND CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG. BOTH NOVELS ACTUALLY BY IAN FLEMING! HULK SURE THERE SOME REASON FOR IT, BUT ON SURFACE IT SEEM FUCKING BIZARRE.

BEST MOMENT: BOND BREAK INTO OSATA CHEMICALS AND END UP FACING THIS BIG STRONG JAPANESE GUY. THERE FISTICUFFS AND COUCH FLIPPING BUT IT ABSOLUTELY BEST FILMED FIGHT SCENE TO DATE. GRANTED, MOST OF FIGHTING BEFORE THIS IN THAT LAZY “CLASSIC” STYLE WHERE TO GUYS JUST EXCHANGE PUNCHES AND BLOCK AWKWARDLY, BUT FOR EVEN TODAY IT PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOND GIRLS?

GOOD NEWS FOR ASIAN FETISHISTS!*

*NOTE: BECAUSE THIS THE INTERNET AND HARD TELL IF SERIOUS OR NOT, HULK NOT ACTUALLY IMPLYING DATING ASIAN PEOPLE = FETISHISM. COME ON. HULK POINTING OUT THE DISTINCTLY FETISHISTIC NATURE TO PRETTY MUCH ALL MINORITY BOND GIRLS THAT COME INTO FOLD PRE-HALLE BERRY… HULK ALSO ACCEPT ARGUMENTS FOR GRACE JONES AS SHE SORT OF “POST-RACIAL” TOO. BUT SERIOUSLY. IT ALWAYS FETISHISTIC. THINK HULK JOKING? OBSERVE:

HULK MEAN, REALLY

THIS STUFF ON THE ACTUAL POSTERS.

IT INTERESTING THING BRING UP ACTUALLY. TO AUDIENCE TODAY, IT LAUGHABLY INSULTING TO THINK STUFF LIKE THIS “PROGRESSIVE” BUT IT CAPTURE THAT WEIRD MOMENT IN TIME WHERE IT NOT COMPLETELY MERIT-LESS ARGUMENT.  THE BOND PEOPLE TALK AT LENGTH ABOUT THEIR FORWARD THINKING HERE AND HOW THEY CAST INTERRACIAL LOVE INTERESTS. HULK MEAN IT JUST SO OBVIOUS THAT IDEA OF MEN BEDDING WOMEN OF EXOTIC RACES NOT FORWARD THINKING IN SLIGHTEST. HECK, IT BEEN FASCINATION OF MALE CULTURE FOREVER (HULK COULD EVEN ARGUE IT GO BACK TO GENETIC PREDISPOSITION BUT THAT PRETTY B.S. TOO). BUT POINT IS, AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME IT NOT SOMETHING ALL THAT WELL-REPRESENTED IN POPULAR NARRATIVE. SO EVEN THOUGH IT FETISHISTIC, AT LEAST IT NOT CAPITAL R-RACIST DEMAGOGUEY WHITE PURITY BACKWARDNESS … HULK JUST REALIZE THIS TERRIBLE ARGUMENT FOR WHY IT OKAY.

MOVING ON…

AKIKO WAKABAYASHI AS AKI – AKI ACTUALLY DECENT. THIS POINT IN SERIES WERE SOME OF BOND GIRLS START BEING ALLOWED BE CAPABLE OF, LIKE, ACTUALLY DOING SPY STUFF. SO THAT NEAT. SHE ACTUALLY SEEM LIKE WOMAN FULL OF CONFIDENCE TOO. HER PARTNERSHIP WITH BOND NOT SEEM LIKE OUT SOME OBLIGATION, BUT MORE “IM’MA DO WHAT I WANT DO.” WHICH WHAT SHOULD BE, RIGHT? BUT HULK HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE HAVE DIE HALFWAY THROUGH. THERE NO ACTUAL DRAMA TO IT. AND IT WOULD BEEN MUCH MORE INTERESTING IF SHE GO ALL WAY THROUGH ACTION FIGHTING AT BOND’S SIDE.

KARIN DOR AS HELGA BRANDT – SO THIS LADY IN MOVIE TOO. SHE ONE OF BAD GUYS ASSISTANTS AND SHE SORT OF LOOK LIKE CROSS BETWEEN LUCIANA FROM LAST FILM AND THE DIANA RIGG FROM FILM AFTER THIS ONE… THAT KIND OF WEIRD. HER BOND GIRL ARCHETYPE = THE MARGINALIZED AND USED ASSISTANT. THIS ONE COME UP LOT IN BOND FILMS. SHE COMMANDED BY BOSS TO KILL JAMES BOND. SO SHE PRETEND DEFECT TO HIS SIDE FOR SOME REASON, SLEEP WITH HIM, THEN TRY KILL HIM BY JUMPING OUT HIS FAILING PLANE. SURPRISE THOUGH, BOND ESCAPE! THE WHOLE SEQUENCE PRETTY BIZARRE. AND MORE THAN THAT, THESE CHARACTERS ALWAYS STRIKE HULK AS SADDEST IN SERIES. THEY PAWNS IN BIG SEXUAL MAN’S GAME. THEY ESSENTIALLY ABUSED BY THEIR BOSSES, THEN ABUSED BY BOND. AUDIENCE SUPPOSED BE OKAY WITH IT CAUSE SHE “BAD GUY” CHARACTER, BUT THAT RARELY WAY IT FEEL. ANYWAY, FOR HER FAILURE KILL BOND SHE TREATED TO ONE OF BEST DEATHS IN THE ENTIRE SERIES:

PIRANHA’D!

MIE HAMA AS KISS SUZUKI – AHHH, THE INTERCHANGEABLE REPLACEMENT… HULK ALREADY DISCUSS AT LENGTH SO… WHATEVER.

OK, OK. HULK GUESS IT WORTH SAYING SHE NICE ENOUGH OR SOMETHING. SHE ALTERNATED BETWEEN DOE-EYED AND FEIGNED COMPETENCE. BUT IT JUST ALL SO UNDESERVED COMING SO SOON AFTER AKI.

KNOWING BOND, HE PROBABLY JUST COULD NO TELL THEM APART AND FIGURED AKI LIVE OR SOMETHING

MOMENT OF MISOGYNY: THERE METRIC-SHIT-TON IN THIS MOVIE, BUT HULK HAVE SAY IT HOW HILARIOUSLY FAST BOND MOVE ON FROM AKI TO AFOREMENTIONED NEXT GENERIC ASIAN GIRL.

SUPPORTING CAST: HULK ALREADY TALK ABOUT HOW AWESOME PLEASANCE = AS BLOFELD. BUT REALLY THERE NO OTHER NEW INTERESTING CHARACTERS ASIDE ONES HULK ALREADY MENTION. MR. OSATO PRETTY MUCH A BORE. THE ARYAN STRONGMAN HAVE NOTHING GOING ON. REALLY. THAT IT.

AT LEAST DESMOND LLEWELYN SORT OF COMING INTO OWN AS Q IN THIS MOVIE. HE GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH HIS GRUMPY, PATERNAL NATURE WITH BOND AND SEEM FULLY DEVELOPED THE Q SCHTICK. STILL, IT FINALLY NICE SEE HIM DELIGHT IN BOND’S ABILITY TO USE THE EQUIPMENT HANDILY.

NOW PAY ATTENTION...

DUMB OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM: THREE HULK SMASHES OUT OF FIVE! (THIS MAY SEEM HIGH GIVE REVIEW, BUT HULK ASSURE YOU. IT GONNA GET WORSE SOON)

BETTY’S TAKE: [upon seeing James Bond appear in ridiculous “japanese” disguise]: “Oh rordy!”**

**SIGH. IN CASE HULK HAVE EXPLAIN JOKE AGAIN, BETTY NOT ACTUALLY BEING RACIST BUT MIMICKING THE RACIST ATTITUDE OF FILMMAKERS FOR HAVING CREATED SUCH MONSTROSITY… THAT CLEAR, RIGHT? HULK FEEL LIKE THE INTERNET MAKING HULK CRAZY.