HULK WATCHED TRANSFORMERS 2 FOR YOU ASSHOLES

December 29, 2010

HULK NEVER SEEN TRANSFORMERS 2 BEFORE. HULK ALWAYS SWEAR HULK NEVER SEE IT.

IT SHOWING UP ON HBO LOT NOW, SO FOR SOME REASON HULK DECIDE TO SEE AND TWEET ABOUT IT AFTER MUCH TWITTER FOLLOWER SUPPORT OF IDEA.

THIS MEANT BE DONE IN TWITTER FORM. BUT HULK HAD 13 PAGE OF NOTES AND HUNDREDS OF ENTRIES. IT WOULD CLOG TWITTER UP + BE ANNOYING TO FOLLOWERS. SO HULK THINK THIS BETTER FORMAT.

AND SO BEGINS HULKS RUNNING DIARY OF TRANSFORMERS 2:

And go!

:00 MINUTES – MOVIE START

:01  MINUTES – “HUMANS CAPABLE OF GREAT COMPASSION” [MATCH TO SHOT OF AFRICAN TRIBESMAN W/ SPEARS]

:01 – NEVERMIND. BAY ONLY INTERESTED IN ‘GREAT VIOLENCE” PART OF THAT YIN-YANG

:02 – OH IT 10,000 BC TRANSFORMERS EDITION. HOW SAD FOR AUDIENCE.

:02 – WAIT… WHY ANCIENT 10,000 BC TRANSFORMERS SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH?

:02 – WHY AN AUTOBOT SAY “SUCK MY POPSICLE?” WHEN DID AUTOBOTS BECOME ADOLESCENT DICKS?

:02 – MICHAEL BAYESQUE MILITARY SOLDIER COMPLAINT #1

:03 – WAIT, TRANSFORMERS CAN SMELL?

:05 – OH GOD. ICE CREAM TRUCK = THE INFAMOUS TWINS…HULK HAVE BAAAAD FEELING ABOUT THIS

:06 – WHY THAT ONE TRANSFORMER ICE SKATING?

:06 – WHICH ONES ARE BAD AND WHICH ONES ARE GOOD? HULK SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER? THERE NO PRIME YET.

:06 – SO FAR THIS JUST A BUNCH OF STUFF HAPPENING ON SCREEN

:07 – HULK PRETTY SURE THIS UBER-PUBLIC BRAWL IN SHANGHAI WOULD EXPOSE TRANSFORMER EXISTENCE

:07 – “PUNK ASS DECEPTICON”… IF TRANSFORMERS COPY HOW WE TALK WHY THEY DECIDE TO TALK LIKE 7TH GRADE IDIOTS?

:07 – POINT BEING, NO RESPECTABLE COOL PERSON ACTUALLY SAY “PUNK ASS” … TRANSFORMERS CAN DO BETTER

:07 – THEN AGAIN, MICHAEL BAY STILL USES 1991 HIP HOP VIDEOS AS REFERENCE POINT OF COOL

:07 – WAIT, HAS OPTIMUS PRIME BECOME DIRTY HARRY SINCE LAST FILM? HE JUST EXECUTED SOME DECEPTICON… LIKE EXECUTION STYLE.

:08: – OH GREAT. THE PARENTS ARE BACK. THIS WILL BE FUNCTIONAL TO PLOT + THEMATICS, HULK SURE.

:09 – MEGAN FOX’S BUTT JUST GOT RE-INTRODUCED BEFORE MEGAN FOX.

Butt first...

:09 – … POOR MEGAN FOX

:11 – WHY CUBE SHARD JUST MELT THROUGH FLOORS LIKE “ALIEN” BLOOD?

:11 – THIS KITCHEN APPLIANCE TRANSFORMER ATTACK APPEAR BE MOST SUPERFLUOUS SCENE IN FILM HISTORY

:13 – DIDN’T BUMBLEBEE GET TALK AT END OF LAST MOVIE?

:13 – OH THANKS MICHAEL BAY. HULK NEEDED TERRIBLE THROWAWAY LINE OF DIALOGUE TO EXPLAIN THAT POINTLESS DECISION.

:16 – SPINNING CAMERA + NONSENSE RELATIONSHIP LOVE TALK = HULK LOSING STEAM

:17 – WHY SOUNDWAVE A SATELLITE WHO SOUND LIKE DR. CLAW?

:17 – OK. TINY BIT RESEARCH SHOW THEY ACTUALLY SAME VOICE. THE GREAT FRANK WELKER. SO SUE HULK.

:17 -  BUT SERIOUSLY, SOUNDWAVE, THE MOST ENDEARINGLY DUMB TRANSFORMER HAS TO BE TURNED LOGICAL “CAUSE AN 80′S BOOMBOX NO MAKE SENSE”? WHAT MOVIE DO MICHAEL BAY THINK HE MAKING!?!?

:17 – PUT THIS WAY: A HILARIOUS GIANT BOOMBOX MUCH LESS STUPID THAN SUDDENLY INCLUDING A RACIST ICE CREAM TRUCK.

:17 – GUESS WHICH ONE HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE?

:18 – AND ON CUE… THEY APPEAR AGAIN

:19 – WHY ALL THE AUTOBOTS JUST LINED UP IN HANGAR? DO THEY, LIKE, SLEEP IN CAR FORM?

:19 – THEY SHOULD BE PLAYING CARDS OR SOMETHING. BEING A TRANSFORMER MUST BE BORING.

:20 – DUMB TYRESE LINE: “GOD MADE US IN HIS IMAGE. WHAT MADE [OPTIMUS PRIME]?” ANSWER: MICHAEL FUCKING BAY

THE CREATOR ALMIGHTY

:21 – WHAT? A COMPLAINT ABOUT PANSY LIBERAL PRESIDENT? IN A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE?!

:23 – WASHINGTON HACK: “OK, LET’S GO OVER THIS HIGHLY DETAILED AND UBER-SPECIFIC INFORMATION EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM ALREADY KNOWS (EVEN THOUGH I’M AN OUTSIDER) NOW THAT AS OF SERIOUSLY 30 SECONDS AGO WE STARTED BEING MONITORED BY THE GIANT SPACE BOOMBOX.” … GIVE HULK BREAK.

:27 – COLLEGE ROOMATE: “I READ YOUR FILE. I’M POOR. YOU’RE POOR” OKAY…. GET READY FOR HULK SMASH RAMPAGE:

:27 – MICHAEL BAY/HOLLYWOOD’S DEFINITION OF “POOR” = MORE INSULTING THAN SKIDZ AND MUDFLAP. THEY SEE SAM’S HUGE FREAKING HOUSE? HIS HUGE FREAKING HOUSE IN LOS ANGELES!?!??!??!?! AND THAT OTHER KID HAVE ENOUGH ELECTRONICS AND FRAMED POSTERS TO DEFINITELY NOT BE POOR. THIS ABSURD AND HULK’S LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE CONVENTION. HULK SMASH THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

:27 – SERIOUSLY…

:28 – AND NOW THE MOM EATING POT BROWNIES… THIS SHOULD MAKE SENSE.

:28 – SO ROOMMATE HACKED UNIVERSITY AND PUT ALL HOT GIRLS IN THEIR DORM? THIS SHOULD BE OWN MOVIE. THIS BAD SEX COMEDY FROM 1998.

AND IT SHALL BE CALLED "BONER DORM!"

:28 – “HE RECENTLY POPPED HIS CHERRY. I WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM AND HEARD THE WHOLE THING.”… THE MOMENT WHEN DIGNITY DIED.

:28 – OKAY, YEAH HULK LAUGHED FOR 1 SECOND AT THAT. “CRITIC HAS BE HONEST WHEN MAKES LAUGH” – EBERT?

:29 – AND NOW THERE SABERTOOTH TIGER DECEPTICON… SURE

:29  – THAT VOMIT LITTLE BRASS BALLS… THAT ARE ALSO TRANSFORMERS… SURE

:30 – OBLIGATORY TERMINATOR 2 MUSIC CUE WHEN BRASS BALL TRANSFORMERS MELD TOGETHER INTO THIN GLASS LIKE TRANSFORMER… [SHRUGS] SURE

:32 – WHY THERE NO AUTOBOT GUARD WITH ALL SPARK SHARD AT ALL TIMES? THEY JUST SITTING THERE AS CARS RIGHT NOW.

:37 – WHY SAM NOT TELL OPTIMUS HE HAVE ANOTHER SHARD? OPTIMUS MAKE IT CLEAR THEY NEED ONE.

:37 – SAM WITWICKY: TOTAL DICK

:38 – WAIT MEGATRON WASN’T KILLED? HULK PRETTY SURE HE KILLED IN LAST ONE.

:38 – WAIT, WHERE THOSE 4 OTHER DECIPTICONS COME FROM? THERE JUST TIGER ONE BEFORE… WUHT?

:39 – OKAY MEGATRON JUST FLY TO CYBERTRON, WHICH MULTIPLE LIGHT YEARS AWAY, IN LIKE 2 EARTH MINUTES…

:39 – THERE PROBLEM WITH PHYSICS THERE HULK SURE.

:39 – YES. HULK NITPICKING. BUT IF MOVIE THIS DUMB GOING SPEND MOST OF IT TIME THINKING UP OVERTLY-COMPLICATED EXPLANATIONS FOR HALF THE NONSENSE THAT HULK NOT GIVE SHIT ABOUT ANYWAY, HULK RESERVE RIGHT, NAY! THE HONOR OF CALLING OUT THE OTHER HALF OF NONSENSICAL BULLSHIT.

:39 – SERIOUSLY? WHY BOTHER HALF-ASSING!? WHOLE-ASS IT! GO CRANK 2 ON US. IT BETTER FOR EVERYONE.

:41 -WHY TRANSFORMERS BORN IN SAC’S OF FLUID? THE TRANSFORMERS MYTHOLOGY ONE OF MOST CONFUSING THINGS ON PLANET AND HULK TRIED FIGURE OUT “PRIMER.”

:41 – ACTUALLY PRIMER CAN BE FIGURED OUT SORTA AND IT BRILLIANT

:42 – OH HEY. IT RAINN WILSON… TENURED IVY LEAGUE PROFESSOR?!

:43 – SAM’S ALL SPARK SEIZURES = TOO MUCH LIKE SAM’S O-FACE.

:46 – TINY/HORNY TRANSFORMER TO MEGAN FOX “YOU’RE HOT BUT YOU AIN’T TOO BRIGHT.” JESUS CHRIST MICHAEL BAY

:47 – NOTE TO HULK: TINY TRANSFORMER GET THROUGH CHECKED LUGGAGE SCANNER JUST FINE. NO WORRIES.

:50 – WHY SKINNY WEIRD SUPPOSEDLY “HOT” GIRL HAVE TRANSFORMER TAIL?!?!

:50 – … OH

:51 – … SERIOUSLY?

:52 – … SERIOUSLY!?! SO TRANSFORMERS CAN HAVE, LIKE, HUMAN SKIN? THIS WHOLE TIME?

:53 – … CAUSE THERE MANY TIME THAT NOT TOTALLY BE ADVANTAGEOUS OR ANYTHING.

:53 – JESUS.

:54 – OKAY SHIA/MEGAN’S LIBRARY BANTER AT LEAST RESEMBLE CINEMATIC DIALOGUE IN ROUGHEST SENSE #HOORAYFORAUDIENCE

:56 – AND NOW A TRANSFORMER SLUG TAKEN FROM MATRIX JUST POOPED IN SHIA’S MOUTH

:59 – WAIT, HOW THEY IN FOREST NOW?

1:00 – ONLY ONE HOUR DOWN!??! GOOD GOD.

1:00 – OPTIMUS JUST RIP DECPTICON’S FACE IN HALF… KIDS MOVIE!

DON'T EVEN LOOK AT HIM COCKEYED. HE CRAZY.

1:00 – HULK TAKE MOMENT TALK ABOUT THE “RATED-R”-IFICATION OF CHILDREN’S PROPERTY. LOOK. HULK ONCE LITTLE HULK TOO. HULK LIKED TRANSFORMERS A LOT. HULK HAD TONS OF THEM. GOING BACK NOW HULK RECOGNIZE FUN AND SILLINESS OF THESE TOYS. HULK LIKE AND HAVE FONDNESS FOR THEM. BUT IN NO PART OF HULK’S HEART, DOES HULK NEED TRANSFORMERS BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY BY PUBLIC AT LARGE. IT WAS TERRIBLE CARTOON LITERALLY DESIGNED TO SELL TOYS. WE NOT NEED HAVE OPTIMUS PRIME RIP SOMEONE’S FACE APART TO JUSTIFY OUR CHILDHOOD INTERESTS AND HAVE FIT WITH MORE CURRENT + ADULT SENSIBILITIES OF TASTE, EVEN IF WE STILL HAVE MILD INTEREST/GENUINE AFFINITY IN CHILDHOOD PRODUCT. IT NOT ONLY BAD FOR OUR DEVELOPMENT, IT ACTUALLY DISLOYAL TO ESSENCE OF OUR 8 YEAR OLDS SELVES AND CERTAINLY DETRIMENTAL TO 8 YEAR OLDS OUT THERE NOW. OPTIMUS NOT NEED WASTE MOTHERFUCKERS. END HULK RANT.

1:00 – SO OPTIMUS IS NOW DEAD. #KARMA

1:03 – “NO MORE DISGUISES!” SAID MEGATRON, STANDING AT TOP OF GIANT SKYSCRAPER IN DAY TIME, AND WHO HAS DONE SO OFTEN

1:03 – AND THE PARENTS ARE BACK. BAY SHOULD JUST GONE FULL BALLS AND HAVE MOVIE FROM THEIR POINT VIEW.

1:03 – ACTUALLY THE MOM (THE GREAT ACTRESS JULIE WHITE) SEEM BE ONLY ONE KNOW WHAT MOVIE SHE IN.

1:04 – MAN, DECIPTONS HATE AMERICAN FLAGS!

TERRORIST!

1:04 – FOR RECORD, ESCARGOT DELCIOUS

1:05 – IT BEEN HAPPENING WHOLE MOVIE, BUT MICHAEL BAY JUST LOVE PUTTING POINTLESS MILTARY TERM INFO AND LOCATION IN BOTTOM LEFT OF SCREEN. IT LITERALLY CONVEY NOTHING IMPORTANT. YET IT CONSTANT.

1:05 – WAIT, IT THE GUISE OF PLOT ORGANIZATION!

1:06 – HULK HAVE NO UNDERSTANDING HOW THERE STILL HOUR + HALF LEFT OF MOVIE

1:07 – OBAMA WITHHELD TRUTH FROM YOU!!! OBAMA WITHHELD TRUTH FROM YOU!!!

1:07 – GET OBAMA TO A HIDDEN BUNKER! THAT PUSSY!

1:07 – MICHAEL BAY’S MILITARY HARD-ON AND ANTI-LIBERAL STUFF KINDA AMAZING. IT SO PRESENT YET ILL-DEFINED. HULK SO CURIOUS WHERE IT COME FROM. HE MILITARY FAMILY? HULK KNOW HE NEVER SERVED…

1:07 – HULK LAUGH. HULK DO LITTLE RESEARCH. OF COURSE BAY WENT TO CROSSROADS IN L.A. (HIPPY DIPPY NO GRADES TYPE SCHOOL) AND OF COURSE HE GO WESLEYAN (THE MOST HIPPY DIPPY COLLEGE IN COUNTRY). OF COURSE HE ADOPTED KID OF CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST. IT MAKE SO MUCH SENSE NOW. THIS NOT THE DECENT CONSERVATISM OF RATIONAL, GROUNDED AMERICAN BASED ON EXPERIENCE (AND ANY POLITICS IS FINE IS TO HULK IF BUILT ON DECENCY). BUT NO. THIS KNEE-JERK  REACTION TO BEING SUBJECTED TO MOST LIBERAL AMERICAN ENVIRONMENTS POSSIBLE. THIS INNER DESIRE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUS + BADASS EVEN THOUGH BAY’S ENTIRE LIFE ABOUT AS NON-MILITARY FOCUSED OR NON-CONSERVATIVE AS IT GET. THIS IS I’M-A-TOUGH-GUY-PLAY-TIME.

1:07 – IT MAKE SO MUCH SENSE NOW.

1:08 – FOR THAT COMMENTARY HULK CURRENTLY BEING SUBJECTED TO FULL RAVAGE OF SKIDZ +MUDFLAP. THANKS KARMA.

1:10 – “NOW THAT THAT DECEPTIONS HAVE ATTACKED HUMANS LIKE YOU WARNED US, THE PRESIDENT IS DOING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE AGREED TO AND WHAT IS LOGICAL FOR NO APPARENT REASON” – OBAMA’S WHITE HOUSE GUY. AGAIN BAY POLITICS AT WORK.

1:10 – “DIPLOMATIC SOLUTION” MORE LIBERAL PUSSYTALK! HOORAY!

1:10 – FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY. HULK GOING TO SMASH YOUR ASS.

1:11 – WHY THERE AN AUSSIE GUY IN THE US ARMY?

1:12 – WHY MEGAN FOX’S LIPS ALWAYS CRAZY RED?

1:13 – SKIDZ OR MUDFLAP: “WE DON’T DO MUCH READING.” [FACEPALM]

1:14 – OH GOD JOHN TURTURRO YOU’RE RETURNED TO THIS? REMEMBER WHEN THE COEN BROS USE TO CAST YOU IN THEIR MOVIES?

1:16 – AT LEAST TURTURRO ALSO SEEM TO KNOW WHAT MOVIE HE IN

1:19 – WAIT, WHY TURTURRO IN A THONG? “I WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK”…

1:19 – TRANSFORMERS 2: WHATEVER THE FUCK

1:20 – HULK NEED ANOTHER DRINK

1:20 – … OH YEAH HULK STARTED DRINKING AROUND WHEN THAT GIRL TURN INTO ROBOT FOR SOME REASON

1:23 – HOW IS THE DC AIR + SPACE MUSEUM NOW NEXT TO GIANT AIRFIELD IN THE PLAINS? DID THAT JUST HAPPEN!?

1:24 – AND A ROBOT IS HUMPING MEGAN FOX’S LEG. THIS IS DEFINITELY HAPPENING. TIME TO DRINK!

1:24 – INCONTINENT OLD-TIMER TRANSFORMER NAMED JETFIRE JUST FARTED A PARACHUTES. IF THE MOVIE NOTHING BUT MOMENTS LIKE THIS IT COULD BE THE ROBOT VERSION OF HAUSU

GET HIM SOME DEPENDS

1:26 – SO TRANSFORMERS CAN TELEPORT?! HULK PRETTY SURE THIS INFRINGE ON NIGHTCRAWLERS BAMPF! COPYRIGHT

1:27 – “LET’S NOT GET EPISODIC. FACTS. PLOT. TELL IT!” – JOHN TURTURRO… IN TRANSFORMERS 2

1: 27 – LET NO TAKE THIS LIGHTLY. THIS MOST INCREDIBLE LINE IN MOVIE. HULK THINK MICHAEL BAY JUST INCLUDED (RATHER ASTUTE) STUDIO NOTE RIGHT INTO SCRIPT AT THIS POINT.  CAUSE HE CERTAINLY IGNORE FOR PREVIOUS HOUR + HALF. (AND CERTAINLY IGNORES AFTER THIS EXPLANATION SEQUECE)… JUST AMAZING THAT IT’S EVEN THERE.

1:27 – HULK MEAN SERIOUSLY! THIS MOVIE TAKE 1 HOUR 27 MINUTE TO GET TO THE FREAKIN’ MCGUFFIN!

1:28 – SO IF WE’RE MEANT TO ASSUME TRANSFORMERS GAVE US CULTURE LANGUAGE (W/ ANCIENT PYRAMID CONNECTION) AND THEY SPOKE ENGLISH, WHY THEY NO GIVE US ENGLISH? WHY EVERYONE SPEAK ANCIENT EGYPTIAN INSTEAD? #LINGUISTICPLOTHOLES

1:33 – HEY! IT’S KENNY POWER’S MIDGET COCK-FIGHTING PARTNER! HULK KNEW THERE REASON HULK WATCH THIS 1 YEAR LATER… OTHER THAN HAVING INFINITE NUMBER OF BETTER THINGS TO DO

1:40 – SET WHERE THEY FIND MATRIX KEY SEEM TO BE SAME EXACT SET FROM END OF “INDIANA JONES AND LAST CRUSADE”

1:40 – HULK HOPE THEY DON’T CHOOSE POORLY

1:41 – SKIDZ + MUDFLAP JUST FOUGHT EACH OTHER AND KNOCKED OUT A WALL SAVING THE DAY (ALL IN SAD ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY THEIR INCLUSION)

1:41 – WHY ARE THE TWINS IN THIS ENTIRE MOVIE? HULK WOULD HAVE HAD “ENTIRE MOVIE” IN CAPS, BUT HULK ALREADY YELL IN CAPS. SO HULK JUST EXPLAIN IT NOW.

1:41 – BUT SERIOUSLY, THIS IS JAR-JAR-EPISODE-1-LEVEL OF ANNOYING PRESENCE. IT SOMEHOW EVEN MORE RACIST.

1:42 – WHERE SHIA GET A FLASHLIGHT?

1:44 – WAIT, IT EXPLAINED THAT THE MATRIX THE KEY TO ENERGON PYRAMID THINGY, WHICH HAVE POWER GIVE LIFE, NOT THE MATRIX HAVING POWER ITSELF. SO WHY MATRIX NOW THE MAGIC PIXIE HEALING DUST? THEY JUST REVERSED WHAT EXPLAINED CAREFULLY BEFORE TO MAKE THE ACTION SCENE MAKE “SENSE”… UGH

1:46 – HULK THOUGHT THE ROOMMATE JUST TASED 1 SECOND AGO. WHY HE NOW UP?

1:49 – OH WAIT, THE MAIN MILITARY COMMANDER = LANDRY’S DAD FROM FNL! SWEET! GLENN MORSHOWER THE-CHARACTER-ACTIN’-MAN!

1:50 – SO, “NOW” THEY’RE BEGINNING THE ASSAULT? WHAT HAPPEN LAST 6 MINUTES?

1:51 – MICHAEL BAY YET TO MAKE MOVIE WITHOUT SOME 3RD ACT “GREEN SMOKE” RELEASE INITIATIVE

1:58 – OKAY FOR SERIOUS: HULK JUST NOTIFIED THAT HULK’S BEST FRIENDS JUST GOT ENGAGED. THIS CAUSE HULK REALIZE JOY OF WHAT THEY DID = THE EXACT OPPOSITE END OF HAPPINESS SPECTRUM FROM HULK DOING THIS TRANSFORMERS 2 RUNNING DIARY ALL BY HULK SELF.

1:58 – HULK GETTING ANOTHER DRINK.

1:58 – AND THE PARENTS NOW BACK (IN EGYPT SOMEHOW) THEY WON’T GO AWAY. THEY THE JAY LENO OF THIS MOVIE.

1:58 – HULK MAKING A DOUBLE.

1:58 – IS IT HULK OR IS SAM’S MOM STARTING LOOK PRETTY GOOD?

2:00 – AT TWO HOUR MARK, HULK REMEMBER BEING AT LEAST WOWED BY FEW MOMENTS OF FIGHTING IN TRANSFORMERS 1… THIS JUST TEDIOUS + NONSENSICAL. THERE NO IMPACT. IT PURELY DISTANT MACHINATIONS OCCURRING ON SCREEN.

2:00 – WHY EVERY TRANSFORMER KILL HAPPENING IN SLOW-MOTION. IT LIKE BAD VIDEO GAME.

2:00 – YEAH, FINE. GTA = AWESOME. BUT THIS MOVIE = NOT.

2:05 – GOD THIS FIGHT SCENE IS GOING ON FOR FUCKING EVER

2:08 – WHERE THE HELL MEGATRON BEEN THIS ENTIRE BATTLE?

2:08 – DID AN ANCIENT TRANSFORMER JUST SAY BRING THE PAIN? OF COURSE HE DID

2:09 – CONSTRUCTICON HAS WRECKING BALLS FOR ANATOMICALLY CORRECT SCROTUM…

2:09 – LET TAKE MOMENT SILENCE TO ACKNOLWLEDGE EVERYTHING WEIRD + PERVERSE ABOUT MICHAEL BAY

2:09 – … OK. DONE.

2:10 – ANYONE WHO LIKES THIS MOVIE MUST HATE EDITING

2:10 – ACTION SEQUENCES SHOULD HAVE RHYTHM AND CHARACTER INTEREST. THIS HAS THE RHYTHM OF LONG, SPUTTERING WET FART.

2:11 – OH HEY IT’S ACTAULLY MEGATRON SHOWING UP! (HULK THINK IT HIM AT LEAST. EVERY ROBOT LOOK SAME)

2:11 – OH HEY MEGATRON DO SOMETHING USEFUL AND KILL SAM! SEE WHAT HAPPEN IF ACTUALLY SHOW UP! GOOD THINGS!

2:12 – HULK THOUGHT BUMBLEE SUPPOSED TO GET PARENTS FAR AWAY?… NOT, LIKE, 100 FEET. NICE JOB BUMBLEBEE… ASS.

2:13 – WAIT… IS… IS THIS HAPPENING?

2:13 – HOLY SHIT IS SAM IN TRANSFORMER HEAVEN? REALLY THIS IS HAPPENING?!?!

2:13 -THE THEOLOGICAL IMPLICATIONS OF TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ARE BAFFLING:

2:13 – 1. DO HUMANS AND TRANSFORMERS GO TO HEAVEN TOGETHER? HULK IMAGINE THEY SEPARATE…

2:13 – 2. IS TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ABOVE CYBERTRON OR EARTH OR A GO BETWEEN?

2:13 – 3. IS SHIA SECRETLY A TRANSFORMER? THEY CAN BE SKINNY WOMEN APPARENTLY.

2:13 – 4. CAN GAY TRANSFORMERS GET INTO ROBOT HEAVEN?

2:13 – 5. IF NOT, THEN IT COULD BE BAD FOR THE ICE SKATING TRANSFORMER

2:13 – 6. HULK LOOKED UP ICE SKATING TRANSFORMER AND IT APPARENTLY NAMED “SIDE-SWIPE”… COULD GO EITHER WAY

2:13 – 7. HULK SURPRISED MICHAEL BAY NOT NAME HIM “LANCE” AND HAVE HIM TRANSFORM INTO CONDOM MACHINE IN WEHO

2:13 – 8. (IN CASE NOT OBVIOUS: HULK MAKING POINT ABOUT MICHAEL BAY’S WRETCHED SENSE OF HUMOR, NOT HULK’S OWN)

2:13 – 9. WAIT, WAS JAZZ IN THAT SEQUENCE IN TRANSFORMER HEAVEN? HULK NO THINK SO.

2:13 – 10. MAYBE TRANSFORMER HEAVEN ONLY FOR “PRIMES” AND THIS SOME SORT HORRIBLE RACE THING.

2:13 – 11. HULK TOLD YOU. IMPLICATIONS = STAGGERING.

2:14 – SO THE DUST TURN INTO THE MATRIX DAGGER THING AGAIN? WHERES THE 30 SECOND MONOLOGUE NONSENSICALLY EXPLAINING HOW?

2:15 – WAIT, JETFIRE STILL ALIVE?

2:15 – LET TAKE MOMENT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT OPTIMUS PRIME = REMOVED FOR 1 HOUR 15 MINUTES OF THE RUNNING TIME OF THIS MOVIE

2:15  – THE FALLEN CAN TELEPORT TOO? WHY TRANSFORMERS NO TELEPORTING ALL THE FREAKING TIME? WHY TURN INTO MACK TRUCK AND DRIVE 4 HOURS FROM VEGAS IN TRAFFIC?

2:16 – THE FALLEN IS APPARENTLY ALSO MAGNETO (MARVEL INFRINGEMENT = HULK- A-SMASHIN’)

2:18 – WHY EVERY TRANSFORMER RELATED TO OPTIMUS? HE HAVE LIKE 13 BROTHERS. MR + MRS. PRIME MUST BE BOSTON IRISH CATHOLIC. #THANKSHULKBEHEREALLWEEK

2:18 – OPTIMUS: “GIVE ME YOUR FACE” #UNINTENTIONALPORNLINE

2:18 – “I RISE! YOU FALL!” #MOREUNINTENTIONALPORNLINES

2:19 – SERIOUSLY?! THE BATTLE FINALLY OVER? THAT WAS 40 MINUTES PURE BOREDOM. AND HULK LOVE ACTION SCENES! THERE NO PACING! NO RHYTHM! NOTHING!

DOESN'T THIS LOOK WELL STORYBOARDED?

2:19 – THAT BATTLE SEQUENCE SO BAD HULK MOTIVATED MAKE LIST OF THINGS HULK COULD DONE W/ MONEY USED TO MAKE THAT SCENE:

2:19 – 1. FUND 1/3 OF L.A.’S PUBLIC SCHOOLS

2:19 – 2. BUY 15 OF M.C. HAMMER’S MANSIONS

2:19 – 3. DOWNLOAD THE ENTIRE ITUNES CATALOGUE

2:19 – 4. COMMISSION CREATION GOLD STATUE OF HULK AND PUT IN FRONT YARD

2:19 – 5. FINALLY GET ADMITTED TO THAT SNOTTY GENTLEMEN CLUB WITH REED RICHARDS + PROFESSOR X… SO SNOTTY… #GODHULKNEEDACCEPTANCE

2:19 – 6. MAKE APPROXIMATELY 48 FILMS EQUAL TO BUDGET OF THE AWESOME “WINTER’S BONE”

2:20 – PEOPLE HUGGING. THEY HAPPY THE BATTLE IS OVER TOO. BECAUSE THEY ALMOST DIED FROM REPETITION.

THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES WHEN THEY READ THE SCRIPT

2:20 – HULK KIND OF CURIOUS HOW THEY GOING WRITE OUT MEGAN FOX IN NEXT ONE… AND BY KINDA CURIOUS HULK MEAN NOT AT ALL.

2:21 – HULK HEAR LINKIN PARK ON SOUNDTRACK!?!? IT ALMOST OVER?!?! REALLY!??!

2:21 – YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2:22 – HULK LOVE HOW ALL THE LAST ACT WRAP UP ONE FIND IN NORMAL MOVIES JUST SQUEEZED INTO CREDIT SNIPPETS

2:22 – IT PROOF MICHAEL BAY JUST NOT GIVE A SHIT. THERE NOTHING LEFT TO EXPLODE.

ENDING THOUGHTS:

-WHAT A SHIT-PILE. EVERY SINGLE THING THAT WRONG WITH FIRST ONE = EXACERBATED… AND EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT FIRST ONE = REMOVED ENTIRELY

-HOW DID SPIELBERG PUT HIS NAME ON THIS?

-”SKIDZ + MUDFLAP: FROM THE DIRECTOR OF AMISTAD!”

-TO BE FAIR, HULK REMEMBER CONVERSATION WITH THE FALCON ABOUT SKIDZ + MUDFLAP AND FALCON ARGUE THAT MOST AFRICAN-AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE ABILITY TO SHRUG IT OFF AS “DUMB GANSTER STEREOTYPE” AND NOT TAKE AS PERSONAL INDICTMENT OF BLACK CULTURE AT LARGE… NOT BLACK PANTHER THOUGH. NO, THAT MAN WAS LIVID.

-HULK SWORE HULK NEVER SEE TRANSFORMERS 2. IN MOMENT OF WEAKNESS, (DIDN’T WANT TO GO OUT SEE ANOTHER MOVIE), LONLINESS (BETTY VISITING FAMILY), + DEPRESSION (THE LEADER ESCAPE AGAIN) HULK END UP DO IT… WHY? WHY!?!

-IN SOME WAYS PROCESS OF WRITING THIS = PRETTY CATHARTIC.

-BUT IN BETTER, MORE ACCURATE WAYS, HULK HAS WASTED HOURS OF HULKS LIFE.

THE HORROR

-THE MOST USED WORD ON THIS BLOG POST = “WHY”… HULK LAUGH

About these ads

15 Responses to “HULK WATCHED TRANSFORMERS 2 FOR YOU ASSHOLES”

  1. That was so much FUN! I hope Hulk does more of these!

  2. Holly said

    I second the motion!!! More blow by blow reviews of awful movies!

  3. Green said

    Hulk, you heard the lady! This was an awesome review. We want more!

  4. John said

    The best sequence I’ve ever seen in any sort of film critique:

    “1:10 – FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY. HULK GOING TO SMASH YOUR ASS.

    1:11 – WHY THERE AN AUSSIE GUY IN THE US ARMY?”

  5. BoDee said

    This is hilarious!! I enjoyed this more than the movie.But I have to admit, I watch his movies to spot the “Bay Cliches”: helicopters or planes silhouetted by the sun, somebody standing in front of a waving American flag, rooms drenched in early morn or late afternoon sunlight (what the hell time is it in the Bay universe?). His movie budgets would be better spent improving the lives of others.

  6. Joe said

    Oh my. This is brilliant. FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY indeed. Thank you so much for doing this.

  7. [...] I could just be impressed that technology allows me to read a moment-by-moment review of “Transformers 2″ by the Hulk.  Read that sentence again.  Bask in it.  That just happened.  You’re [...]

  8. MikeR said

    Awesome, Hulk. I feel the same way about Avatar and James Cameron. Avatar = a cross between Terminator and Fern Gully.

  9. Good blog! I actually love how it is easy on my eyes as well as the details are well written. I am wondering how I could be notified whenever a new post was been made. I have subscribed to your rss feed which really should work! Have a good day!

  10. Mongo said

    No Hulk no! Mongo love Bay-formers! Mongo pawn in game of life! Mongo knows Bay pawn of death. Mongo need more Bay-formers this year! Though, Mongo admit he confused about Transformers 3 teaser. Didn’t Mongo see the same thing in Transformers 1 teaser on Mars? Mongo and Hulk need Siskel and Ebert show.

  11. [...] MAKE SENSE. THE MOVIE WORK EVEN BETTER TODAY. WATCH ANY BORING BIG BUDGET BLOCKBUSTER (TRON, TRANSFORMERS 2, ETC) THAT DO NOTHING BUT PRESENT SPECIAL EFFECTS WITH NO WEIGHT OR GRAVITY. THEN COMPARE TO THE [...]

  12. [...] we begin, I invite you to take a moment and check out @filmcrithulk’s fantastic real-time review of Transformers 2. I hold his opinions in very high regard and although we’ve never met, I consider him a kindred [...]

  13. [...] THINGS.  KEEP IN MIND HULK INCLUDES HULK-SELF IN THIS CAMP TOO. HULK WILL NOT GO OUT OF WAY TO SEE, BUT FINDS FODDER IN BAYISM ALL THE SAME.  EVEN THIS COLUMN IS PART OF IT. TOM MENTIONS THE ARMAGEDDON AMUSEMENT AND THE BAY MOVIE KIND OF [...]

  14. [...] WATCHED TRANSFORMERS 2 FOR YOU ASSHOLES (MINUTE BY MINUTE [...]

  15. FeRDNYC said

    Ohhhhmigod. Thank you, Hulk, for both providing one of the most entertaining 3-minute reads of my year, but also for reinforcing my conviction to never subject myself to that travesty. Some things are so bad it’s entertaining, and that movie sounds like none of them.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 777 other followers

%d bloggers like this: